Fix Me

Vertigo

Sarah's POV

After shaking Ryan's hand, Josh leaves. Ryan closes the door and looks at me intently. "So?"

"So what?" I look at her with a mocking look. I know she wants to know about Josh and I. Maybe I should tell her about our deal?

"Are you . . ?" She puts her hands together so her fingers are linked tightly in a knot. I raise an eyebrow in question, not really confused but wanting her to say the words. "You know, a thing?"

"Oh, No. Well . . . yeah, but no. It's complicated." I beat around the bush, hoping that she won't ask more about it. I'm lucky.

"Just be careful. He's a rock star, and that could ruin you again." She pats my shoulder and walks away toward  her bedroom.

I notice that Tanner is sitting on the couch, looking through the paper. "Are there anymore jobs that Josh can find us? I'm at a loss." He groans and throws the paper onto the coffee table in front of him.

"I'll see, but not right now. I need sleep and I start work tomorrow." I half smile at him and walk into my bedroom. I flop onto my bed and drift off to sleep.

"You shouldn't even be thinking about me." Brendon sighs. He's so small looking in the too bright daylight. The two of us are standing in a field, him sporting a suit and I a white dress.

"I just can't let you go. You never should have left me in the first place." I cry, falling to my knees in front of him.

"It was you who left me. And maybe I forgive you, but you can forgive and move on. I'm not coming back, Sarah." He vanishes and I'm left to cry all alone in the dimming light.

I wake up with tears in my eyes. I quickly wipe them away and check the clock. 2:30 am. I shuffle out of bed with what is probably the worst idea. Josh said he lives alone, meaning I can go and talk to him. I'm not sure why I have the urge to, but I follow it. I shove on my slippers and grab a key, walking out the door.

I get to Josh's door and knock, loud enough that he can hear but soft enough that it won't wake up the neighbours. I hear swearing and loud noises, it sounds like he's running into things.

"Who the fuck is at my--" he mumbles, opening the door. "Oh. Come in, what's wrong? Are you crying?" When he sees that it's me, he opens the door wider for me to get through and leads me down the hallway to his bedroom.

"I-I had a dream. I needed someone to talk to, and I don't know why, but I thought of you." I answer. We sit on his bed, where there is a lamp on.

"Lucky for you, I'm an insomniac. What happened?" Josh pulls me closer into a hug.

"I was dreaming about Brendon. He told me to . . . let him go." I cry into Josh's chest, with the feeling that I'm betraying Brendon.

"Oh, sweet Jesus, maybe you should. No offense, but dear, you spend too much time dwelling in the past. It's bad for you, I would know."

"What happened to you?" I ask, genuinely interested in his story. Maybe we need each other. Maybe it's better to let it out and let it go than to try and keep it all inside, until it all explodes.

"I battled with drug abuse, with heroine, and self harm. I also had bulimia and, for a short time, anorexia. At a certain point, things got really rough. My parents gave me an ultimatum, go to rehab or get the hell out. I went because I never thought that my parents could ever throw me out.
At first I didn't want to get better, but rehab changes you. It changes your opinions and opens your eyes to new options. I learned to let go, without using drugs or self harm to do so.
I could give you the advice they gave me there: holding onto something that you cannot change is worse than looking forward to the things you have full control over." The advice is enough to give a person vertigo.

"Can I stay here for the night? I'm afraid to go home." I ask, the familiarity of this sentence makes my skin tingle, but I ignore it. Josh merely lays down and pats the bed beside him. I lay on his chest and drift off into a deep sleep that is void of dreams about Brendon.