Roll With It

1. Roll With It

My mum always told me what goes around comes around. Therefore, if I was a good person, and did good things, good things would happen to me in return because that was fair. I guess I've always believed that, I'm usually so levelheaded. But today, anger got the best of me, and I acted on impulse and things happened that I guess were probably out of my control but I still blame myself for. I just got mad at him. I don't know why I felt the need to come at him with such haste. I couldn't control myself.

Finn has always been my best friend. We've never fought about anything. He's always been so supportive of me, no matter what. I was there for him in return. But there was just the other day, when we were in the van, and he said those things, and I just couldn't get over them. I know he didn't intend to do it, but he broke down Jacob pretty bad. It was the worst. Even though I knew he didn't do it on purpose, I felt such rage. I was just glad I didn't act that same day, because I probably would've actually beat him up. I went to his house today with the intention of yelling at him. Only verbal abuse. I planed to tell him what a fucking idiot he was, how inconsiderate he was of my boyfriend's feelings; and how he should've just known when to stop talking. It was Jacob, Rae, Chop, Izzy, Finn, and I. The whole group was in the van, on the way to one of the best concerts we knew we were ever going to experience. But there's always a change in plans. Things are always able to go wrong; and sometimes, the things your mum told you when you were a child just don't turn out to be right when you grow up.

I guess I should start from the beginning. It was just me and Jacob in the car. We were on our way to pick up Finn. We were in our Oasis shirts, the band was blasting. We were having a good time. Then, we picked Finn up. He got into the van, said hi, and everything was momentarily okay. Conversation went as normal until Finn asked, "How are you?" Jacob answered, "Alright." That exchange shook the momentum of the conversation. Finn then asked a question, ruining the night for Jacob. I guess he thought it was a nice gesture, a way to check up on someone you care about. But it wasn't taken as so. In an instrumental break in the song, Finn turns to Jacob and asks, "So, how's your dad?" Cue the awkward pause, where music filled in the uncomfortable second long silence between us. Jacob, physically uncomfortable by the question, replied, "I was up all night with him." At this point, I wanted to strangle Finn. Why would he ask that, knowing that this concert was one of the only breaks he could get from his home life. From the hospital, from the chemo, from the general anxiety and fear ridden situation his family is going through. "Oh..." Finn said. "That's too bad." Jacob cleared his throat and sat up a little bit, being more attentive to the conversation. "...Thanks. It's hard. He's really bony now, and he has these bedsores, so he gets these gnarly pains. I want to do something, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been sleeping well..." Jacob trailed off. This is where I wish the conversation had ended. It was the perfect spot. We would've picked up the others, and the conversation would've been forgotten. The concert would've gone wonderfully. But instead, Finn continued.

"My aunt had cancer. She had chemo and stuff. She lost all her hair." He told Jacob. "Yeah, my dad lost all his hair too. How's your aunt doing now?" Jacob asked. There was a pause before Finn awkwardly stated, "She died." I swear, the atmosphere in the car shifted in that split second. It was as if all the oxygen was taken out of the earth. "Oh... Well, you know, medicine has progressed in the past few years. They've had a lot of success with chemo and radiation..." Jacob said, in the most heartbreaking hopeful tone. "But my aunt only died last year. I mean—not that your dad's gonna die, I just meant it didn't happen like a super long time ago. I'm sure your dad will be fine." Finn said. That was the point when I realized that I should probably say something. I interjected with some mundane comment about the weather and how awesome Oasis was gonna be. I kept talking, it was as if I had no stop button. Finn and Jacob didn't respond to any of it, but I felt some undying need to continue. I kept blabbing on until we finally picked up someone else, and the prior conversation had left the atmosphere. It was like when you're done taking a shower, and the air is thick with condensation and after a while, the atmosphere returns to normal. You can breathe again.

The concert was amazing. The whole time, I thought it was going well. Everyone was having a good time. There were no issues. They sang some songs, we sang along, they talked to the audience, we responded. Then, all of a sudden, it was over. Hours had passed, but it felt as if we were there for only a few minutes. We were all sweaty and tired by the time it was over. Still, we stopped to go get some food. We got some burgers and chips, and sat at the diner, laughing and joking. I dropped everyone off, Finn first. As soon as Rae, the last person to leave went in her house, Jacob moved to the front seat. He seemed distraught. But I didn't prod. As soon as I pulled to the front of his house, he broke down, right then and there in the car. I asked him what was wrong. He couldn't reply. I hugged him, as he sobbed incoherently. I couldn't believe it. It happened so suddenly, it felt unreal. I don't know what to do. For the first time in the whole course of our relationship, I had no idea what to say to make him feel better. It was the first time I ever realized how good he was at hiding how he really felt. A split second of panic overcame me as I wondered how this trait of his would affect our budding relationship. After a few moments of hugging, he was finally able to explain what was up.

"He's dying. Everyone talks about how it's going to be okay, but I know it's not. I'm so sick of everything. I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm gonna go home one day and he's just going to be gone."Jacob told me, between tears. I didn't know what else to do but hold hold him tighter, and kiss his cheek, and rock him. I was crying too. I don't know how long we were there, but it felt like forever. I've never wanted to help someone as much as I did in that moment. We made sure he looked presentable before returning to his house. We were in a bit of a rush. He called me around thirty minutes later. I was home, in bed. He seemed calmer. I still heard pain in his voice. He began with, "He's alive." We spent an hour, maybe more, talking about how Jacob felt and what he was going through, along with what his dad was going through physically. It made me understand him better. As I reflect on the situation, I can appreciate and acknowledge the fact that Finn's painfully awkward conversation with Jacob inadvertently made him open up to me. But at the time, I was furious at Finn for hurting him.

All of that led to today when I rushed to his house, with the goal of just kicking the living shit out of him. I pounded on the door. I knew no one else was home but him. I pounded for what seemed like 10 whole minutes but he didn't answer, I burst through the door using the hidden key, leaving the door open as I ran in, trying to find him. Me, being so self-centered, thought that he was hiding from me. I yelled for him. There was no response. I heard the shower running, and headed straight for the door. I pounded again, calling his name.The lack of response from him was unnerving. My furious pounds turned to nervous knocks. I asked if he was there and got no answer. I called his name. Then I noticed a stain seeping under the door and onto the hallway carpet, a dark semi circle growing by the second.Something in me changed. I yelled his name. There was nothing. I turned the doorknob. It was locked. "Where's the key?!" I yelled to no one in particular. I was in a state of sheer panic. I searched the hallway cabinets trying to find the key. I found nothing. I don't even know how I did what I did next. I ran to the garage, where I knew his father kept the tools. I looked through them, trying to figure out which one to use. I found an axe, charged back to the bathroom, and started breaking down the door. I was yelling for help, even though I knew no one could hear me. The door made splintering cracking sounds. My arms felt like they were made of steel. I kept going at it. It was like I was Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Quickly, I realized that my actions wouldn't work. The door had already been damaged, but I wouldn't be able to break it completely, because I was just too weak. I began to kick the ever living shit out of the door, and it gave away cracked in half pretty quick. I darted in, and it was like I entered a horror scene in some movie. The air was thick with steam. It smelled faintly of alcohol and pennies. I noticed a bottle on the floor floating in bathwater. I splashed in the water and pulled the shower curtain aside. Finn was sprawled out in the tub, the water almost completely covering his face. He was fully clothed and unconscious. I quickly reached into the water, hooking my arms under his shoulders. I pulled him out and managed to set him on the closed toilet. He was groaning softly, his head drowsily moving around as if he was trying to regain consciousness. "What are you doing?" I asked. Finn mumbled something about being drunk and wanting to take a shower. I didn't know what to do. I left him there, went into the hallway and got a towel for him. I wrapped it around him. It was cold, I wanted him to be dry. Then, I thought about his parents and how they would be home soon. And I stood up, getting a grip on him, and guided him to my car. This was hard, because he was dripping water. I somehow I managed to do it. I dumped him in the backseat. He tried to talk, but was overall incoherent.

My hands were shaky as they tried to grip the steering wheel. I tried not to look suspicious. I had to put my entire concentration into driving so I wouldn't crash. I didn't know what to do with him. It was then that I heard the crying. Well, it was more like soft sniffling from the backseat. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that he was crying. I realized then that I was too. We were crying together for a moment, then he said he was sorry for my getting my car wet. I said it was okay, worse things have happened to the seats. It was a polite conversation. At the stop sign, I looked at him again in the rearview mirror. He was looking away, out the window. I could tell he was beginning to sober up. He was still sniffly. He said he was sorry for being a drunk. I said it was okay, even though it wasn't. The sniffles turned into sobs, and he kept apologizing for being drunk. He kept saying over and over, "I'm sorry for being drunk, I'm sorry for being a drunk, I'm sorry Archie. Please forgive me." I kept reassuring him that it was okay. But he kept pleading over and over, as if he didn't believe me. At that point, I was just driving aimlessly around the city. I still don't know where to go.