My Deadly Little Secret (completed)

Waste

I had apologized to taylor saying how I'm so sorry. It's true. I am. I don't want to lose my best friends. Taylor said she was sorry too. She didnt mean it as well.

Both of us we're stressed. We didnt know what to do. We said things we mean, but its fixable. I can finally breath again without the air being so heavy. I felt like a part of me is finally recovered.

I knew apologizing to Cala would be even harder.. That's why I didn't. But of course the guilty side of me had to text her saying how sorry i am. That's when the heavy air was back.

She saw the text.. She didnt reply. She ignored me. I felt so mad but at the same time I understand. She was mad because I treated her like she wasn't good enough... I didn't even know. But if I could, I would change.

Right now, I honestly can't wait for Vegas and Cali. To get away from all this. To ignore all the pain. To simply let the California Breeze as along with Vegas vibe take away all the sorrow and let me be free.

I know Cala and I won't ever have the same friendship. But at the end, I have to move on. I guess no matter how much I feel like shit and still have the pain. I have to move on. People left her while I stayed. She left me this time. Its my turn... I guess I should move on too.

People would think I'm being dramatic.. But I'm not. I hate how much I care. I try way too hard with people. No one ever tried for me. I honestly wonder how it feels to have someone there trying for you.

I also wonder how it feels to have someone wanting to fix things instead of you doing it. I wonder how it feels to walk around without worrying about a single thing.

Last but not least. I wonder how it feels to be loved... By everyone... Not those who fake it to gain your trust and breaks it at the end...

Tyler had asked me a really good question. Why do I try? I try because that's who I am. I try so hard to make things right with everyone. I hate goodbyes. I'm never good at it.

I hate getting so close to someone & they always leave. That's why I try. I can't handle someone getting close to me & just walking out of it.

But that's just me. I lost so much that not many people know. Some people are out there starving and I'm complaining how bad my life is. Who am I to judge.

People had actually said to me I'm such a waste of human skin.. Or I'm such a waste of air... Maybe their right. For once, maybe...

I am a waste.

I just heard some news that really shocked me... My selfish-ness, my bitch moments, my Pushy-ness, and mostly my rudeness caused everything..

It wasn't depression that ruined my life, it wasn't all the cutting either.. It was me.

I. Ruined. My. Own. Life.

Not just mentally nor physically. It's both. I'm one sick ass person.

After all this time I had blame everything on depression, when it wasn't it at all. I caused it myself.

I lost all my friends because of my own personality. People were right. What's good with looks on the outside if your complete shit on the inside?

Tyler just told me that he has the biggest crush on me forever. Till of course, I got complicated. Taylor said she likes talking to me, till I keep ditching her. Kat said she loves be around me, but I always talk about how I feel like shit...

It's all me. My fault. I push people away, and they won't come back when I need them. They prob feel like I don't want them around... I do! I just don't want to seem weak.