My Deadly Little Secret (completed)

Worst day

Best day ever... Mondays are always amazing. Not. Today has to be one of those worst days ever. Not just because it's Monday, everyone was just pissing me off. Also, almost everyone was ignoring me today. Great. This is just fucking great. But I've to remember, just cause it's a bad day doesnt mean its going to be a worst life.

First thing in the morning, no one wants to talk to me. Whenever I say something, they all just ignored me. So that's why I didn't bother to say anything at all during first period. When it came to second period, it was gym FUUUN! not really.. what sucks is that Cala didn't even say a thing to me. She just ignored me and stayed around Ursula all the time.

This happens all the time. When they're in a fight, they always will talked to me. But when they aren't, I'm suddenly invisible. I don't want to talk to them about this cause I know they have other friends not just me, it would make it seem like I need attention. But they're in the same class for crying out loud. The least they could do is talk to me in 1/6 of the class..

If that's not bad enough. Everyone kept saying I like Luke because of the kiss. I mean it's not a bad thing. But I don't. Considering he has a girlfriend, doesnt really make sense. and he always hits on me every 5mins. Honestly. He touches me inappropriately. Isnt this like sexual harassment?! He always grabs my ass, he Touches me a lot and says the most dirtiest things.. I always hate being touched.. Every time he does that I always get such bad anxiety attacks. But I can't tell anyone about those, they'll keep doing it.

Finally it was lunch. I actually was excited cause I knew for a fact that I would be able to talk to Cala and Ursula and hope that they're not mad, And they will not leave me out. But guess what. Surprise. Cala came up to me saying she can't come to lunch with me! She could've said it in gym so I make plans ahead and not freak out now. I've no one to go to lunch with at this point. What the fuck is this? I know she has short memory, but she could've text! What a great day so far..

Thanks to my only true friend right now, Kat had agreed to go to lunch with me. I honestly don't know where I'll be without Kat. She's the only one I can trust now a days.

Fast forward it's Second last period of the day. I thought the morning was bad.. Turns out science was worst. I sat alone reading my book at my desk. No one cared or noticed I was acting off. No one wanted to talk to me. I honestly wanted to cry so much at this point. I have no one beside Kat. Even the teacher didnt care. I really wanted to give up at this point. I want to run home and just find my escape.

When it was last period of the day. I was so happy. God damn it. But my joy always comes to an end. Ursula won't even look at me nor talk to me that whole foods class. I'm stuck with her as a food partner.. Honestly fuck sakes. I wanted to rip her head off. She didnt do a thing, i had to tell her to do it. I'm so tired of everyone and everything.

Finally when I came home. I ran to my room.. And I just started to cry, the tears just poured out like nothing. Everyone suddenly hated me. No one wants to talk to me. Why?! i know i can be rude but thats cause i push so many people away.. i dont trust many. That's when it happens.

I grabbed the blade once again.. And started making lines where no one would see. It's better that way. More and more people have asked me about me cutting. Time to start somewhere else..

Not like anyone would see the marks on my legs, smart right? Finally the stress is gone.. As I sat on the floor crying.. I wanted things to end. Please.. All I'm ever asking is to be happy. I don't care about others. I want to simply be happy.

That's when I started making more and more lines.

I'm so done with the world.. Can I end it....

****

I honestly feel like a zombie right now. When I got in the shower, I just let the warm water run. i could feel the bits of water splashes when it hit the bottom of the bathtub.

All i can do right now Is just sit in the corner of the bathtub just thinking, why me? Why is this happening to me? Then again.. I created this. Currently I feel like I have lost my best friends, but it's true I did. Every one of them.

A few days back i ran up to Cala and I had pushed Cala ( as a joke of course ) and it turns out her ring was stuck to my sweater.. Which made the diamond fell off of her ring. I felt so bad. That ring was her mum's 16th birthday gift. And her mum gave it to Cala afterwards.

It was horrible how much guilt I had. She was my best friend, and I had done that! What kind of person am I? It was all an accident. If I never done that, none of this would happen. I said I'm sorry repeatedly.. But sorry won't work.. Not this time.

I feel like the whole world hates me at this point. The only way to escape my parents, my pain, and everyone in this whole world is to hide in the shower and cry my eyes out.

There's no way anyone can hear it. As I made more lines that no one can see, I saw the water slowly turning pink. Oh lord it stung so much as the water touches my skin. But it did take away the stressed and guilt I had.

This is all my fault. Everyone hating me. It's all me. I created this! Can I go die now?! Im sorry to everyone i had hurt! truthfully!

If I cut it right on the spot, I could die instantly with just a single cut, thats my pressure point of course. I'm so done with the world. I was always rude to people. So I guess I deserve this. I never had friends when I was little, but still that's no excuse.

I have been in the shower for only 5mins now but it feels like i been in there forever. As I reluctantly got clean and got out to get dressed. I went straight to my room. I took a looked in my mirror. How fucking gross am I?! I made so many mistakes. It's not on purpose, to everyone, I just didn't think.

I'm sorry to everyone I had hurt. Honest.

Tears started to roll down my face. So much anger but yet so much Pain. My heart really did ache. My own best friend hates me. Katlaina won't talk to me anymore. And Jesselyn has her own problems.

Jesselyn has been my best friend for a year now. She's really good at sports and she's so talented. I honestly love her positivity. But lately she been negative because of one boy.. I honestly hate what has happened. People changed I guess.

I have to fake it now.. But I can't. Have you ever done something and it basically ruled your life? That's what cutting is. If any of my best friends found out. They already won't talk to me.. I can't talk to anyone else.

So, This is how it feels to be completely alone..

But instead I'm not alone.. I've a new best friend still... It's my only escape..

Now a days...