I can't think normally. After a night full of pain and crying my eyes out, things are just really bad. The fact that tomorrow I have to see him. I rather sleep forever in my grave.
The next morning, I reluctantly got out of my bed. All that goes through in my head is why is this happening. It's happening all over again, it's going to be like last year where I'm the only getting hurt. I just wish he would tell me straight up what he thinks. Yes, I'll be hurt even more but at least ill have a real reason to leave and walk away, instead of keep wondering.
When I arrived to school. I just thought to myself, I have to get through this no matter what. As I walked into the school I saw Katlaina wearing the same thing I was. A plaid shirt with skinny jeans. This was never planned so it was really different. I never imagine it would be our friendship who turns into those tumblr girls.
"Omg. So we're going to be those best friends" katliana said all awkwardly, as she approached me.
"I guess so, did you hear? The least scoop about the Janoskians?" I said laughing.
"No, what? You know since idont have twitter I have no idea what's going on with them"
As we stood there talking about them, and at the same moment I just finish getting my books to head to period 1. I looked down the halls and I saw Tyler. God. Normally I would go up to him and hug him but now I don't even want to look at him anymore.
As the day went on, I swear, wherever I was, He was there too. this had never happened before. Either I miss him so much or he's following me. Why is this happening? Can I just run home and cry. This hurts so much. The sorrow. The memories. Everything.
When it was finally lunch. Best time of the day, I get to go see Cala and we would always talk about how our day was. While I was getting ready to go, someone pushed me. As I turned around I saw Tyler saying "oops my bad. Didnt see you there" and he gave me a wink before he tuned away.
I really want to just..... AHHHH. Why am i so confused?! No words can describe how I felt. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. As I saw Cala, she seems really mad. As we Walked to Dairy Queen Cala was ranting about Ursula. I wouldn't blame her. Being stuck with a person who lies about cutting, is really low.
Ursula used to be mine and Cala's best friend. Till she turn Cala and I against each other, 3 mother fucking times. Everyone hates Ursula, but she's the type that if you piss her off. She would make a tweet about you and basically she's still in the little kids stage. She's also the type that would lie and make herself better.
For some reason, I honestly don't know if it's just me or not. But today was actually faster than any other days. Like a second ago it was lunch, now its over? woah... As i got my books for 5th period, just as I was about to head upstairs to science, Tyler stood there. Honestly I wish he would stop. It's all bullshit right now. Mostly with the mix signals.
"I'm so sorry" Tyler said move back as I came closer.
"What? What are you talking about?" Honestly I'm so confused, as he went in his class, I followed trying to get an answer. But I gave up. A bell rang in my head saying just stop.
As I walked away, I kept thinking why is he sorry. Mostly why can't I stop thinking about him?! Can someone come and shoot me already. I'm so done with everything. I actually want to die. Not just because of him. I deserve to anyways. It's always my fault.
People always say to me "your life is good, why would you want to kill yourself?" Honestly, they don't know what happens behind close doors. What I don't tell anyone at all. No one knows.
Then again.. No one did care.. Once you tell them something.. They will leave you. Or they'll get annoyed at you.
They always do..
*****
I just finish dropping my sister off at school. I don't really like walking her to school cause I care too much of what others think. Weather they would hate me or not. would they think im a loser? i tell people its because im lazy... but i just really dont like hearing what negative things people say. Insecurities problem.
As I walk in the school, I just realized I was here really early today. It sucks. Cause now i get to spend extra time with the people I hate, and all of my friends arent around.. Great. A nice way to start off the day.
When I gather all of my supplies and headed towards homeroom, I saw Tyler standing there, outside of my class. Honestly, out of all the days in the week. Why today?! He's wearing his black Adidas sweater which fits perfect on him. That sweater he wore, was always my favorite. He let me more wore it once, I still remember how it was really big on me and how my perfume got on his sweater.
As I took a deep breath, i walked past him, and into the class. It sucks so much. I hated it.. things change. i have go move on. When I sat in class alone, it was so weird. That's when I had decided to walk out of my class and that's when I saw Cala just came through the doors. As we both walked upstairs to her locker. the conversation actually got my mind wonder off, but the fucking school bell had rang. Which means Time to go back.
As first period went by, everyone at my table group had left me. They just got up and left. I honestly feel like I'm not wanted anywhere, not at home, not at school, just no where. Do people hate me that much that they won't sit by me? Or talk to me? I know I made mistakes but honestly I can't handle anything right now.
When the bell rang, I was the first one out of there. I can't handle being alone again. My thoughts will eat me and I might not make it through. I never knew my biggest and worst enemy... Was myself. How can I fight myself? How can I tell myself not to do things, then again. No one cares.
As I walked to my second period class, Tyler stops me. He blocked my way to my locker. What is he doing? Honestly. Like he keeps pushing me to the lockers and wont let me go. finally hes distracted so i tried to leave, As I tried to walk away he pulled me back and gave me a hug like the one on the cover of the notebook... Except we went kissing.. But he lifted me up like that and i honestly felt like we were alone again.
As I walked away smiling, I just remembered.. I've to meet up with Lucy for a talk. Finally someone I can trust and don't hate..
Lucy is someone I have been working with when I actually almost killed myself back in April. It's crazy how fast time went by. She talks to me and ask me how I feel. She's basically a mother I never had.
As she pulled me out of second block, I had the worst anxiety attack ever.. My arms were really tense, my hands were shaking really bad.. It was just horrible. We talked and talked. I almost cried when we got to the topic of "do you love your parents" ill be honest... Even if it makes me sound like a bad person... I don't love them... All my life they called me fat, ugly, and done the worst to me. The flashback sucks. This is why I don't open up to people. It's something I can't do. And something I can never do is stare at a person for longer than 5seconds. That's just who I am. I'm not proud.. But...
It's me. Time to accept It... I guess.. Or
will it rule my life.. Like always.
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Heeeey guys. How's your day? Okay. Well I never wrote on wattpad before & this is my first story. So tell me what you guys think of it! c: if you guys are confused about something tell me. I'll be glad to explain. && if you guys have any feedback. Tell me. I'm always okay to the public's feedback & I can always add to improve for future on stories. Okay. Thanks. ;* xoxo
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My Deadly Little Secret (completed)
RomanceAs I stood there looking at myself I knew right at that moment how much hated what I had saw. Not everything is as it seems. I would laugh, smile, and have fun, however it's all an act. All my life I've been bullied, pushed down, and broken. In the...
