Jodha's Diary

Jodha's Diary : Part 6

Diary,

You already know what all has happened. Those ravaging minutes are still haunting me. His face, aglow with victory, staring straight into mine, as I watched him more shocked than angry, still revolves in my mind. I guess it'll take time to fade away. Or, it never will.

My tears have dried up. They no longer trickle down my cheeks. Not only the tears, it's the source of my life also, that has dried up. My life seems a long, dark passage now, which would practically, lead to anything eventually. If this kind of life is what a princess gets, then I would prefer to be a daasi in my next birth.

I can't really get my feelings right now. Is it the thought of spending my entire life with the very person whom I hate the most, that makes me so depressed...Or is it the betrayal by my own family...or is it because I have been bargained by my very own people...? I think it is the last two things which are hurting me the most. Couldn't anyone at least let me know about that? Did they didn't even care for me a bit? Just the very thought of this feels like a thousand nails piercing my heart. You can't really understand that, diary.

My parents, the two people I care the most about, didn't even find it necessary to tell me, that I was being sold to the Mughals. I swear, diary, I would have never ever refused, or protested to them. I would have just accepted that as my fate, believing that my life has been sacrificed for the good of my people. But no...they didn't even think about me. What I would feel when I came to know about it...Nothing...Just nothing...

Anyway...Everything's over now. Everything...Every dream that I ever saw, every pledge that I ever made, has gone. Still, I have to live. For Amer, and its people. I have to marry that Jallad, though I would anyday prefer a thousand deaths above that. It would cost Amer, if I died. God Knows what all he'll do. If this alliance can save a thousand lives, it really doesn't cost much. It just costs the life of a young princess.

You know diary, there is a word called hopelessness. A word whose meaning I have just fully realized. Realized what it is like, to have no hopes to support your life. This word more or less describes my current feelings, and why current, it is going to be like that, till the day I'm alive.

I feel really sorry for Moti today. Because of that stupid promise, she also has to stay in Agra now. As far as I know her, she'll definitely force me to take her too. And I know, I won't be able to refuse her. It hurts to know that even she knew about all this, yet never told me. Anyway...I know she was bound by the royal orders...She has always been a great friend, and she will be, though I feel guilty to drag her into all this mess.

You know what diary, I'm sure you're feeling strange today. This is not the Jodha you have always seen. This one is completely different from that brave, cheerful, ever - smiling young princess. This one is a dull, hopeless, depressed girl. You don't worry, my dear. You'll soon get accustomed to seeing me like this. For I know, all this is never going to change.

I'm even thinking to stop writing to you. After all, what exactly there is, to write about? Except for the suffocation I currently feel, and the various insults I'm going to face there? Nothing. Besides, it feels good when I have something good to tell and I tell that to you. But when I have only miseries to describe, it only increases the pain. Don't be sad, dear diary, remember that I loved writing to you once, and that I'll remember all the light convo's we had. You have been been my best friend and confidante lately, and I love you for that.

...

I think, I should not have run away like that. It had been childish on my part. Maybe that Jallad mistook it to be cowardice. I would not have run away, if I would have had even a bit of sense left in me. It was a turmoil of emotions running inside me. I could not even control that. As if there was a repulsive force in action, which forced me to run as far away from that smirking face, as I could. As for cowardice, Jodha is no coward, and I shall let him know that one day.

You know what, he sent me a gift. Wonder if I could even call that a gift, when he has already gifted me a life full of darkness. Well anyway...His foster - mother, Maham Anga had come to give all the presents. She handed me that shaadi ka joda, and started blabbering about how keemti it was and all. She even said that makers of that joda had to lose their hands, so that no other copy of that is ever made. Now that really put me off. This is really the signature Mughal style. How cruel! I would rather wear a daasi's dress than wearing such a blood - dripped joda.

I already didn't like the tone in which she spoke. As if trying to show off the expensive joda. And that hands - cutting bit, really pissed me off. I really wanted to burn that stupid gift, then and there. But I did not. There were two reasons for that.

First of all, whatever I am doing, is for Amer and its people. I wouldn't want to do anything that could make those people angry. God knows what havoc they would create here! It is better to stay quiet now. We'll see them later.

Secondly, it does not suit an Ameri princess to burn a gift in front of the presenter, as well as loads of people. That would look quite unroyal, right? Now that does not mean I'm going to wear that bloody piece, I'll throw it as soon as I get to my room.

...

Now diary, today, while sitting in my room, I got an idea. See, I have planned to put some conditions in front of Jalal. I know you would think what a fool I am, for he is the emperor, and is not bound to follow my words. But think about it diary. If he does accept them, then at least I would get the benefit. My life there in Agra, is going to be hell, and if he agrees to my wishes, that would be somewhat better. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that he won't deny marrying me, even after my conditions. Didn't you see that sparkle in his eyes, during the muh - dikhai, seeing me all shattered and defeated? I have a strong feeling that he wants to marry me only to take the revenge of his insults, and to assert his power on me. Considering this, I don't think he'll deny.

He might deny to the agreement, but won't ever deny for the wedding. After all, he's not bound to anything. But the thing is, when I have to marry him anyway, why not try a better path?

I know this can be dangerous for Amer. He has all the power to crush Amer, and if he considers this as another insult, it could prove disastrous. But my heart wants to try this out once. Don't exactly know why. But it does.

If anything bad happens, I would personally ask him for forgiveness. Yes I would, as the well - being of my people comes much above than my own pride. I'm sure he'll give that evil smirk of his, and make me do nasty things as punishment. But at least he'll spare Amer. Because he knows he can make me do anything, as long as my people are safe. He'll use that wisely. The day he harms Amer, there'll be no bounds for me, I would happily commit jauhar, and get freed from his clutches. He definitely doesn't want that. He wants me to live a life of extreme misery. Actually, my fate wants that, not only him.

But anyway, dear diary, Jodha is not a loser, she'll live, and live for her people, for her motherland, for herself, and won't let that Jallad win over her, ever.

.....

Thanks for reading. :)