Cofi and fishbols

Chapter XIV: Empty fishbol stick

I’m staring at the ceiling looking for cracks that I know full well aren’t there.

Lying as if in a coffin, but I’m not in one.

But this seems like death anyway.

“So?” he uttered, slicing the thick air of silence. I felt him look at my direction.

“I don’t know where I should start…” My voice trailing away.

He looked backed at the ceiling, lying in a position like mine. We’re like two corpse in both sides of his bed.

“I love you Rey… I hope you know that.”, but I still continue to glue my sight to where it is, not daring to look at his side.

Silence.

I took in some air and decided to continue, as if doing it will somehow give me the courage to say the words I dread to voice out. “But I know you can feel that there’s something wrong. I’m slowly dying…of guilt.”

Still nothing, we’re both holding our breath if that’s even possible.

“I couldn’t do this anymore. I hate myself so much but I can’t do anything about it. I know saying sorry is not what you need. Wala akong masasabi na hindi ka masasaktan…one way or another, this will hurt us both…” the tears escaped the corners of my eyes but I didn’t wipe it away. I’m suddenly lost for words.

This is the first time I felt alone beside him, without his arms securely around me, without his voice soothingly whispering.

I tried to continue though my voice started to quiver, “We can’t go on anymore…not now…” I tried hard not to whimper.

Finally, an almost inaudible sniff from him. I waited, but nothing more.

“Rey…” I gained the courage to tear my eyes away from the ceiling to finally look at him. I couldn’t almost see his expression as the sun outside is already setting in and my eyes are blurry from my tears. But I can make out the dampness in his cheeks reflected by the faint light of the room.

He finally looked at me. He managed to put on a weak smile that clamped my heart even more. I breathed in harshly. Why is he being like this? Why won’t he get mad?! I’m breaking up with him…and still…he smiles.

The same smile that captured my heart.

“Stop being kind Rey…please…you’re making me feel guiltier than I already am. Magalit ka naman! Shout at me! Kahit ano wag lang ganyan!” I burst and didn’t stop myself from crying harder, sobbing uncontrollably. I buried my face in my hands, in a fetal position facing his direction.

I waited for his touch. Comforting me, sucking all the pain away. But none came. I felt him fix his stare at the ceiling again. He let out a sigh. I have my eyes closed as tears continue to pour out. “Stop crying,” he said softly. “Alam mo naman na ayokong umiiyak ka diba?"

I looked up, hoping to read his expression made unfathomable by the impending darkness. But buried my face once again.

"I know you’re sorry and that’s enough for me. Don’t ask me to be mad or to shout at you alam mong di ko kaya yun, not to you. You’ve been the source of my strength and of my happiness for quite some time now, hindi ko na nga ma-imagine na wala ka sa’kin e, but…” he paused for a while. “I’ll let you go…”

I tried to control my sobs again not wanting to miss a single word from him. There’s a momentary silence as if he’s trying to find the words to say. “I wanna thank you Alex. For the time, for your honesty, for your love. Everything. I can’t ask for anything more. I won’t deny that I’m sad but still I’m thankful.”

“Rey…alam mo ba?” I asked feebly in a whisper as I looked at him again.

“I felt it…but you came back to me even for just a while. Kahit papano nahanda ko na sarili ko for this. I know we’ll gonna have this conversation. I already cried during those two weeks that you were gone, I know you’re bound to leave…”

“Rey…-”

He continued, cutting me off. “I just wanted to savor the last moments I’ll have with you so I didn’t want you to say anything right away. I just wanted to feel that I had you…I don’t want to be rude this time but I want you to leave now. I don’t’ want you to see me weeping. Bigay mo na sa’kin yung kahihiyan na yun. Don’t worry about me. I’ll heal in time. I don’t want to know anything about the two of you anymore, if he’s really the one you chose I’ll try hard to be happy for you. But for now just leave me…I can’t promise for long that I won’t stop you from leaving so just go. Don’t even kiss me goodbye. I wanted to have that make believe kiss we had this morning to be our memorable last kiss, when I was still convincing myself that your still mine alone.”

I’m frozen to where I was. He’s asking me to leave and yet I can’t move a muscle. I suddenly became paralyzed. Numb. I’m just looking at him as he stares still at the ceiling. I can see beads of tears rolling off his cheeks, and I can still feel mine damping the pillow case beneath my face.

He cleared his throat, with his voice hoarse this time. “Alex, I mean it. Alis na…please…”

I want to reach out for him but I know I don’t have to or I’m not supposed to. He simply don’t want me to. I gathered some strength left in me and slowly rise and turned my back to him and stood up. I felt him took my pillow and shift his body to his side clutching it tight, turning his back on me. I wiped my tear-stained face and reached for my bag placed on top of his study table. Looked at his pitiful figure for the last time before I leave his room.

I reached for the dark aviator sunglasses inside of my bag, who cares if it’s already dusk?

No make-up can cover up the puffiness of my eyes.

Not even powder can cover the probable blotchiness of my skin.

But nothing seems important as I will leave this place from this day forward.

I looked around the living room.

This was my home.

My abode.

My sanctuary.

Now it’ll be nothing more than just any another apartment I had been before.

I slowly went for the door but a framed picture of us caught my eye. We were so happy in the photo, one of those ‘kulit’ moments we had. He was biting my neck and I was giggling as I held the camera and clicked.

Those were the happy times. No Vito. Just us.

I walked towards it and slowly put it face down.

This is goodbye.