Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter thirty-seven

I practically live at the hospital now. The only time I leave is to go back to the school to get a change of clothes. I can't be there right now, though. Whenever I see Jeremiah or Oliver, the anger returns and it's something I just can't bear right now.

The days pass slowly and Adam doesn't seem to be any closer to waking up. His parents and I rotate through his room. We don't want to leave him alone even for a moment.

As I sit here now, holding his journal, flipping through the used pages and the empty pages, reading each word over and over, I listen to the sound of his breathing. It's shallow and faint, but it's there. His breath has become my anchor – I hold onto it as if it were a lifeline. For him or for me, it doesn't matter – in fact, I suppose it's a lifeline to the both of us.

Picking up his pen, I let it dangle between my fingers before I set it to the first blank page I find.

You tried to kill yourself this week, I write. I'm sitting here now, beside you, listening to every breath you take. You don't know how long I've cried in this place – this sterile, cold, healing place. You don't know how your pain has hurt me.

I pause, chewing my lip. The honest words hurt, but it's a cleansing pain. It's the kind of pain that comes with the healing of a wound.

You don't know how guilty I feel. I pushed you away and I shouldn't have. I didn't give you a reason. I just pushed you away and I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I made a mistake and now you're here, fighting for your life, kept alive only by wires and tubes and you don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this.

I try and I try to figure out why you had to feel the pain of everything that happened between you and Jeremiah and Oliver and I can't figure it out. I just don't get how they can move on with their lives as if nothing ever happened, as if you never mattered, while you lay here, bearing the weight of universe.

And I can't lose you. I won't lose you. Don't let Jeremiah win. Don't let Oliver win. Don't let this cruel, cruel world win. Fight, Adam. You're strong enough. You, the boy who showed me how to live. You, the boy who has a thing for oceans. You, the boy who feels endless. You have what it takes to fight this. Learn to live again, Adam.

I can't lose you. I can't. I know I don't deserve you, but I can't lose you. We can't lose you. Please, keep fighting. Fight for your life, the life you could have. Fight for your family. Fight for me. Adam, please, fight.

You are strong.

I pull back, setting the notebook and pen on the nightstand, wiping the tears away with my sleeve. Eyes to the ceiling, I do something I haven't in a long time.

God, if You're there. Please, bring Adam through this.

It's hard not to be mad at God, but right now, anger is of no use to me.

Hope is all I have.

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