Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter fifty-four

How is it that everything can be as it was while being entirely new and different at the same time? I couldn't tell you the answer, but as the night drags on and I pull off to the side of the road along Exit 11 somewhere outside of the Klamath National Forest, this feeling that I've been here before washes over me. Under a blanket of deep blue, I remember the moments all those weeks ago when Liz and I pulled off of the road and just lay on the ground, watching the stars.

Desperate for the nostalgia, I get out and grab a blanket out of the trunk. I circle around the van and spread the blanket atop the grassy knoll that separates the exit from the main road. Liz follows me out and we lie down on the blanket together, staring up at the still blue. The sky is clear tonight and the evening wind is cool and crisp, but not cold. The stars are small dots, brilliant against their dark backdrop.

"It's like magic," she says. "The night is so dark and so many fear it, but you look up and there they are, the stars standing like watchers over the sleepers."

"It's perfect," I say. I move my hand and touch my fingertips to Liz's. I let them stay there for a second, feeling the electricity pass between us. Slowly, I slide my hand into hers, my thumb stroking the space between her thumb and index finger. I smile up at the sky. "The night is dark, but we are not." The array of colors burns itself into my eyes and I don't know what it is I feel, but I almost want to cry. It isn't sadness or pain, but a still unfamiliar feeling that might almost be peace or happiness. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I understand the depth of Vonnegut's words now. I feel them in their entirety as they burn themselves into the fringes of my soul.

Liz rolls over to face me. She props her head up in the palm of her hand. I turn my head and stare at her. I can't take my eyes off of her.

"You are so beautiful," I say. I realize I haven't said those words to her in a long time. Now, though, it's like I have no choice. Hers is a beauty that demands attention that only my heart can give.

It's dark, but under the moonlight I can see that she is blushing so I lean in and kiss her because sometimes words aren't enough to express a feeling. And right now I feel her, right here next to me. And I feel her heart beating next to mine and I feel the heartbeat of our child inside her. And it's so beautifully imperfect. I feel how every scar on my body and every wound in her heart have created this life for us to live together.

I pull away and roll onto my side, resting my head on my arm as I fold it under me. With my free hand, I trace every curve of her face, my thumb pressing gently against the dimple beside her lips. "I'm not going to say you're perfect because you would know that's a lie and I don't want my love for you to be based on platitudes. And I'm not perfect either. We're messes, you and I. And there's no escaping that reality. But the thing is, we don't have to be perfect and we don't have to try to hide the ugly and flawed parts of ourselves from each other. And we don't have to wear masks with each other and pretend to be something we're not. And we don't have to act like we have it all together and we never doubt life or God or ourselves. And that is perfect. Because it's real. And it's true. And it's forever. And it's as deep and endless as the ocean and bright and hot as the sun and stars." I pause, losing myself in the deep blue of her eyes. "So I won't tell you you're perfect. And I won't let you tell me I'm perfect. Because there's always going to be someone that's more put together than we are. Or smarter than we are. Or more spiritual than we are. You and I, we aren't celebrities or supermodels, but we are human. Perfection isn't real; it's a lie people tell themselves and others in an attempt to avoid reality. So I'm not going to tell you you're perfect because I don't ever want to lie to you." Her eyes swim with emotion as she listens to each word. "But I will tell you this: you're perfect to me. And this moment, now, is perfect. And our love is perfectly imperfect. And we're just two messed up souls mending each other, filling the fractures in our lives with undying affection. And that is perfect."

Liz smiles at me and she laughs as she brings her hands to my face and holds me between her palms. "I think I was wrong to say you weren't an anomaly, Adam," she says, every one of her features radiating the smile on her lips. "Because you are an anomaly. There is no one on this earth like you and there is no one that could ever take your place for me. So, yeah, you're not perfect and I'm not perfect, but our hearts fit together just fine. Like two pieces of a puzzle, we fit perfectly."

I smile as she pulls my lips to meet hers and we kiss under the starlight.

Now, I realize that I have found heaven on earth.

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