Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter fifty-three

For us, the world happens to end in Oregon.

So, I shift Gus into gear and pull out of the parking lot. Glancing into the rearview mirror, I offer a silent goodbye to the school I hope to one day forget.

I hope to God that no one has as bad an experience at that school as I did. And I hope to God that Jeremiah and Oliver learn from their mistakes and whoever it is that comes into their lives to replace me gets the love and the loyalty they deserve.

Because no one deserves the pain of abandonment or rejection. Not even the worst person in the world. People aren't born evil. It's something they grow into when the pain gets to be too much.

If only the world were a kinder place, then, maybe, more people would survive its treachery. Maybe there would be less evil, less death, less heartache. Maybe if people treated each other better, there would be no cracks in hearts for the darkness to fill.

I glance at Liz beside me. She just sits there, in the passenger seat, a smile on her face as she stares out the windshield at the road ahead. And, for the first time in my life, I realize I'm happy.

And I realize how strong I am – how strong Liz made me. I survived this life. No, I more than survived – I learned to live.

"Here we are, just two wandering hearts searching for the end of existence." I say, my eyes steady on the road ahead, my fingers loose around the steering wheel as night begins to fall, lit only by the city lights. She looks over at me, her eyes radiant.

"What happens when we find it?" she asks.

"We come alive."

* * *

"What's your spirit animal?" I ask as we continue our game of 20 Questions. The California landscape passes us in a blur as we leave it behind, racing with all our hearts into the New.

She scrunches up her face, thinking for a moment. "I don't know. I've never really thought about it. What do you think?"

"I think you're a butterfly. Butterflies represent transformation, change, renewal, lightness of being, elevation from earthly matters and tuning into emotional or spiritual matters, and the world of the soul. So you're a butterfly."

She smiles. "I like that. What's your spirit animal?"

"I'm a wolf."

She raises an eyebrow at me and I laugh.

"It's true. The wolf is intelligent, has an appetite for freedom, expresses strong instincts, and is loyal, but when threatened, forms a lack of trust in someone or itself."

"Yeah, you're definitely a wolf. I don't think I've heard a more accurate description of your personality," she says with a laugh.

I smile.

"How do you know all this stuff?"

Sighing, I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. "I spent a long time not knowing who I was. After Jeremiah and Oliver abandoned me, I was lost and confused. I felt like I was just floating, a phantom with no solid grasp on my identity. So I did everything I could to define myself. I know that Christians are supposed to define themselves as God defines them, but that's hard for me. I can't feel that, ya know? So I learned everything I could about my spirit animal, my Myers-Briggs Personality Type, my astrological sign – Taurus, by the way – and my bloodline."

"Has it helped at all?"

"Somewhat. A lot of those things I didn't realize the accuracy of until I started living again." I glance over at Liz. "You helped me learn to live again, Liz."

She smiles and I turn back to the road.

"And now I know that my spirit animal doesn't matter. And my horoscope doesn't matter. And my personality type doesn't matter. Those are just labels. And while they helped me ground myself at the time, they didn't help me learn to live. Only you did that. If God is real, you were my Godsend. You were my angel, my light, my reason to live."

Her eyes begin to water and she cries silently as I continue talking.

"Jeremiah told me once that I depend too much on him and that I needed to learn to depend on God for everything because 'people will fail you'. And he let that be his excuse for so long. He let that be his reason for never even trying. But the thing is, man wasn't born to live life completely isolated and independent from other people. Man was born for love and happiness and community. I may be mistaken, but didn't God say 'It is not good for man to be alone?' I just don't get how people can underestimate the power of relationships.

"People like me and you spend so long feeling alone and isolated already that, sometimes, we're too open to accept people into our lives just to feel that sense of togetherness, to feel like we're not alone. And then those people end up betraying us and we're alone again. Maybe some people aren't built to handle hurricanes. Maybe it takes a special type of person – like you, Liz – to handle my kind of storm."

She stops me then. "I don't believe that for a second. 'Cause if that's true, that means that people can just keep making the same excuse: 'I'm not the right person for you. You need to find someone who can handle your mess.' Life and people shouldn't be allowed to work that way. But I guess that sad truth is that the world and life is messed up and it takes its victims and it never gives anything back."

"Maybe we escaped, then," I say. "Because – and I don't know about you – but I feel very much alive right now. And I feel like I'm the furthest thing from alone right here, and now, together with you, 'Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.'"

"Slaughterhouse-five," she says. "Kurt Vonnegut."

I nod and continue, "Life dealt us a bad hand, but I guess we cheated because here we are. Alive. I'd say we came out on top."

"But... don't let your worth be found in me because, inevitably, I will fail you. I promise to never walk away or give up on you – and I hope you'll do the same for me – but one day in the distant future we're going to break each other's hearts again and if your worth is found only in the whether or not I'm happy with you... I don't want to lose you, Adam. So, I'm not here to distract you from life and all the bitter moments it throws at you. I'm here to help you face it. And the same goes for me.

"I promise, Liz. Through thick and thin, I will never leave you and I will never give up on you. We'll face life. Together."

She smiles. "We've still got a long way to go."

"Yeah, but we've come a long way too."

"You're a glass half-full kind of guy, aren't you?"

I look over at her and smile. "I am now."

*If you enjoyed this chapter, please VOTE or COMMENT.