Tell Me A Lie

Chapter 14

The events of yesterday kept replaying in my mind. I was mad at Jai - for the first time ever. I was also mad at myself. The fact that what happened yesterday bothered me so much also angered me more.

Being who I was, I tried not to feel much. Even if I laughed and talked and was alive, most of my life was spent feeling nothing. Nothing was a feeling I grew accustomed to.

But suddenly nowadays, I did feel things. I felt happiness, anger, and even sadness, and I hated it. I hated it because the old me knew just how much feelings could hurt. They could destroy you, and right before they did I had shut them off. That fact that they were slipping through my barrier terrified me, so I hugged myself on my bed.

As I closed my eyes for a second, an image of Jai flew to my mind. He was grinning at me and my heart sunk, knowing that the year my feelings were starting to appear was the year I met Jai. It could be a coincidence, but I knew better. Jai was changing me and at the moment, it seemed like for the worse. But even with that, he was what I valued the most. That left me wondering if he was bettering my life or worsening it.

Suddenly, I heard someone tapping my window. My eyes flew open and my heart froze, knowing who it was. We hadn't spoken since the incident and I was terrified to do so. He had left me embarrassed and hurt yesterday, and I just wasn't ready to see him.

But sitting up, I also knew the world wouldn't stop for you. This cruel world we lived in constantly moved and even if you just needed a second to breathe, it wouldn't give you that. It was cruel but it was a part of life.

Looking at my window, I saw Jai's face peering through it. I tried not to think of the perverts who could look into my room as I got up and walked to the window. Instead, I thought about hiding my feelings as usual.

As I opened the window, Jai blurted out, "I'm sorry."

I stepped aside from the window and didn't say anything. His words should've been satisfying, but they meant nothing to me. Sorry didn't change the fact that he had hurt me. Really hurt me with his words yesterday and now left me with feelings that used to be nonexistent.

"Is anyone home?" Jai asked, stepping through the window.

I shook my head. Thankfully my parents were out shopping today.

"Scarlett, we need to talk." He looked sad as he stared at me. "I mean, really talk."

"Okay, you're sorry," I said flatly, crossing my arm over my chest. "I get it. There's no need to convince me."

"No Scarlett, I want to really talk to you. Not convince you." He sighed. "What I said to you yesterday was really wrong and I've been acting weird lately. I know you're confused about it but let me tell you why. Let me tell you why I am the way I am."

I couldn't hide my surprise. My eyes widened as I stared at him. This was what I had always wanted. This was what I had been waiting for. But, for some reason it felt wrong.

"Jai, don't do this because you feel entitled to," I said, staring at him with serious eyes. "I want you to talk to me because you want to."

"I want to talk to you," he said confidently. "I'm sorry but I won't give you my life story, but I want to tell you a bit about me."

That was more than I could ever ask for. I nodded my head, feeling my stomach twist with nerves. I hadn't expected this to happen any time soon.

"Can we go to your bed?" Jai asked, glancing at my unmade bed.

I nodded and walked to it. Getting on it, I sat on one side and pressed my back against the headrest of the bed. I pulled my knees to my chest as Jai sat beside me, leaving his legs stretched out in front of him. We had a foot of space between us, and I couldn't help but feel like we were so close yet so far.

"So, I told you I'm a complicated person," Jai said as I hugged my knees to my chest.

"You did," I whispered. "And you told me I would never understand."

"I was an asshole," he said bitterly. "But don't you agree? Unless you somehow become the person and live their life, you will never understand what it's like to be someone else."

I nodded, agreeing. It was true. I could explain my life to anyone with as much detail as possible, but they wouldn't understand. They couldn't understand because we were two different people living two different lives. Hearing is never the same as living.

"You know why Jared bothers me so much?" Jai suddenly asked, sounding nervous.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "Tell me Jai. Just tell me and I will listen."

I didn't know why I was so upset, but I was. Everything about yesterday bothered me. From what he said to his fake kiss left me feeling down. I almost hated him for it, but I didn't. Jai and I weren't perfect. No one was. All I could do about it was listen to him and try to understand.

"It's because..." Jai took a deep breath in, looking at me with raw eyes. "I'm scared. I'm so freaking scared."

"Of what?" I asked as Jai took another deep breath in.

"Of losing you," he blurted out. "Scarlett, I'm so used to losing people."

Jai took a deep breath in and my heart broke for him. He looked so scared and vulnerable. It hurt to see him like this, but I wanted him to keep going. Sometimes talking did help, so I wanted him to let it all out.

"I... Everyone I care about ends up leaving in some way," he continued. "Out of nowhere and suddenly. Those people are what used to make me happy and now they're all gone. This is why I'm a shell of who I used to be."

I put an arm on Jai suddenly, trying to calm down. His face was pale and I knew this was really hard for him. Suddenly, I understood why he didn't like sharing. It literally took a lot out of him to do it.

"Jai," I coaxed gently, rubbing his arm gently. "I'm here. I'm here to stay."

"But how can you be so sure of that?" he whispered. "Scarlett, that's what everyone said and where are they now?"

Jai eyes were darker than usual. Sadness consumed them and the Jai sitting next to me was the realest Jai I ever saw. His emotions were written all over his face and his voice was raw with honestly. Even if I hated seeing him like this, I had to admit he was beautiful. Beautiful despite being broken. Maybe Jared was right. Broken things are often beautiful.

"You're right," I whispered back, sliding closer to Jai. "I can't promise you anything."

His eyes softened as I moved so that I was on his lap. My knees were on either side of his hips and my face was inches away from his. In the position I was in, I should have felt embarrassed. But instead, I felt closer to him.

I suddenly put my hands on both sides of Jai's face. Gently, I made sure he was staring right at my eyes, knowing he needed to know I was serious. Jai needed to believe me.

"But, I want you to know I want to stay," I said gently, staring at his beautiful green eyes. "I want you to know that I want to always be at your side. As long as I'm alive, I will always try to stay there. Right there as a constant in your life."

Jai suddenly hugged me. My head was now buried into the crook of his neck and I inhaled the fresh scent of his cologne. It was comforting. For once, I felt safe in his strong arms that held onto me tightly.

"Scarlett," he whispered. "I wish I could help you. I wish I could... Save you from this world."

I knew what he meant. My heart softened at that, touched by how desperate he sounded. Jai really cared about me; just like I did for him.

"And oh how I wish I could save you," I mumbled against his neck. "But this is the life we live in. Nothing can change."

Jai didn't reply to that. Instead, he suddenly slid down so that he was now lying down on my bed. I was still on top of him, and not wanting to crush him I tried to get up. But, Jai's arms only wrapped more tightly around me. They wanted me here - at his side. That was where I would stay.

So laying my body flat against his, I snuggled into his chest. We just lay there in silence for an hour or so, and before I knew it I had drifted asleep. A comfortable sleep that left me feeling safe from everything. That was definitely a first.