Tell Me A Lie

Chapter 33

Jai and I sat at our usual bench and for the first time, I felt uncomfortable. With nothing but silence surrounding us, I found myself squirming in my place. Knowing a topic I didn't want to talk about was on both of our minds, I want nothing more then to get up and leave.

Kissing Jai had made the both of us forget about depression. As we kissed as if this was our last opportunity to do so, depression was the last thing on our minds. But now we weren't kissing. We weren't talking and I knew Jai was preparing himself to bring up the topic. That left me debating on running or telling him to drop it.

    As if on cue, Jai said, "Scarlett, we seriously need to talk. No more distractions."

    "If it's about the topic from yeserday, then I don't want to," I said, shaking my head. "Just drop it Jai. Please."

    "What are you scared of?" Jai asked, exasperated. "I'm trying to help you."

    "I don't need your help in that way! Gosh Jai. I don't need medication or therapy."

    Jai frowned. "I don't want you taking medication... But therapy sounds good."

    "I don't need anything."

    Jai and I stared at each other. He seemed conflicted and my eyes hardened as I wished he'd stop pushing for this. We were great and I don't need anything or anyone but him. I wasn't an illness and I was fine. Definitely right now with everything calmed down, I was alright.

    "Talking about everything will help," Jai said, his eyes softening. "You've been through a lot and letting it out to someone will help."

    I sighed. "I let everything out to you already."

   "Yeah, and I'm useless." Jai sighed, looking upset. "You should go to someone who can help you. Someone who is good in the subject of mental illness - a therapist."

    "I don't have a mental illness!"

     Jai groaned and looked up at the clear, blue sky. He looked frustrated now and so was I. Unlike Jared, Jai wasn't backing down. He was confident and he was pushing. It was frustrating.

    "You're miserable, aren't you?" Jai asked. "You're biggest dream is to die. People without depression aren't like that."

    I rolled my eyes. "Those people have different lives."

     "Exactly. If they went through what you do they'd be depressed as well."

    I didn't know what to say to that. It was true, but that still wasn't me. I wasn't emotional or a self harmer. The teenagers who had depression in shows weren't me.

    "Jai, listen to me," I said, growing tired. "I know I'm miserable and what not, but depression isn't what I have. I'm just realistic and yes life sucks, but I accept that. Someone with depression is someone who wears their heart on their sleeves and is overly emotional."

    "Depression affects everyone differently," Jai said, shaking his head. "Why won't you just listen to me? I'm trying to help you."

    "I told you I'm fine," I snapped, tired of him. "Why can't you just let it go?"

    "Because you're not fine and it breaks my heart to see you like this!"

    Before I could stop myself, I shouted, "What about you!"

    Jai was taken aback by my shouting and his eyes widened. But because I was too angry, I kept speaking.

    "You're just like me!" I shouted. "You're miserable and you want to die too! Why don't you take your own advice."

    I flushed as I noticed a few worried faces glanced our way. Knowing I shouldn't have shouted, I exhaled my frustration out. As Jai stared at me with wide eyes that soon softened, I groaned. He still wasn't getting it.

     "But I don't need help," Jai said. "I'm different."

    "How are you different?" I asked bitterly. "Aren't we so relatable."

    "I... Just am."

     "How?" My eyes hardened. "Tell me how."

     "I can handle everything," Jai said calmly. "I don't need help because I can manage everything just fine."

    My eyes widened at his words. All this time I thought Jai and I were on the same page. We thought of each other as strong beings who could go through life despite the obstacles in it. Clearly, I had thought wrong.

    "You don't think I can handle everything?" I asked slowly.

    "No... I didn't mean it like that." Jai frowned, seeing my reaction. "I..."

    "You what?" I hissed, growing furious.

     "I just handle it better."

    His words were like a slap to the face. This was one of my insecurities, the reason I rarely cried. I didn't want people thinking I was emotional and I tried to keep my feelings bottled up. Jai was the only person I opened up to, and I realized how much of a mistake that was now. Because I had he had this idea that I was something that truly needed help. Pity help, that was.

    "You think I can't handle it?" I asked, trying to remain calm. "You think you're better than me?"

    "Scarlett, I-"

     "You're just like me!" I snapped. "What the fuck? You break down just like me. You bottle your feelings up just like me. But unlike me, opening up is harder for you. It's harder because your past hurts you a lot and you know what, I know it kills you everyday. It tears you apart and maybe you need to see a therapist. Maybe you need help for your own depression."

    Jai seemed taken aback by what I said for a mere second, but he quickly recovered. Showing no emotion, he shook his head. He sighed and I glared at him, feeling so angry at the boy I loved who was being so stubborn right now.

     "I'm not depressed. My past sucked and yes it hurts, but I'm better," Jai said. "I'm getting better."

    "Don't lie to me," I said, my voice growing soft suddenly. "You and I both know that once you're fucked up you always will be."

     "No, you think that. That's why you should see a therapist."

    "Ugh!" I exclaimed. "You're so frustrating."

I got up then, tired of this conversation. If I was even going to think about what he wanted, he had to, too. He had no right to throw a label at me when he was in the same position as me.

"Look at a mirror before you ever bring up this topic again," I said, turning around.

Storming off, I ignored Jai as he called after me. I was so angry and now that he mentioned the word depression again, it was tossing and turning around in my head. It was consuming my thoughts and for the first time, I felt truly annoyed at Jai. How dare he do this to me.