Tell Me A Lie

Chapter 35

    Jai had his arms wrapped around me as I cried into his chest. I hated crying and I wished I could stop, but what happened was too overwhelming. What I was about to do left me in shock.

    I was about to kill myself. To get rid of my suffering, I was about to jump out of a window. I hadn't thought about anyone in that moment and when Jai appeared, I broke down remembering the promise we made. We wouldn't kill ourselves. Not when the other would suffer. I couldn't believe I nearly left Jai all alone in this shitty world.

"You're right," I said, pulling away from Jai suddenly. "I need help. I can't do this anymore."

    Jai teared up suddenly and wiped my cheeks. He looked incredibly sad and I didn't blame him because my life was sad. I was sad and right now, all I wanted was help. What my dad did was a huge wake up call.

    "I know. I know and I will help you through this," Jai said quietly.

    "But how do I even get help?" I asked, frowning. "This has been my entire life. How do I wake up and think life is okay?"

    "Honestly, you're not going to wake up and think life isn't so bad." Jai began to stroke my hair gently, which was comforting. "It's a slow process and honestly, I don't get it myself. I don't understand how by talking to someone your entire perspective of life can change."

    "This is scary."

    I was being honest. I did want to get help, but what did help mean? Did it mean accepting my problems? Did it mean becoming a Jared who only saw positivity in this world? I had no idea.

    "What happened?" Jai suddenly asked. "What made you suddenly change your mind?"

   Taking a deep breath in, I told Jai about what happened. As I told him a tear ran down my cheek and Jai tensed up. I was shaking again as once again, I thought about my dad's words. This was my life. He would never leave me alone. If that was the case, I wondered if getting better was even possible.

    "That motherfucker," Jai hissed, once my tale was done. "I swear to god I will-"

    "How could I ever think life is okay with them in my life?" I cut in. "With them in it life will always suck."

"I know," he said bitterly. "But there has to be a way. There has to be a way for the both of us to feel better, at the very least."

My eyes widened. "The both of us?"

I forgot about my anger towards Jai for saying I only needed help, so I was extremely surprised that he also wanted to get help. In this moment I should've felt good, but instead I felt even more down. Depression wasn't fun, and it saddened me to know Jai had it too.

     "Yeah, I thought about what you said." Jai shrugged. "You're right, I'm just like you. Even though you have it worse and you're pain continues everyday, I'm just as miserable. I wish I could die often and my thoughts consume me everyday. If that's not depression, then I have no idea what's wrong with me."

"Jai, just because someone 'has it worse' doesn't mean your feelings and problems aren't as validated," I said, seeing how ashamed he looked. "And... I don't know. Isn't there something wrong with us? Depression is an illness."

"One in five people have some sort of mental illness. From depression to anxiety, there's a lot," he said, his tone getting an edge. "Does that make them wrong? An illness? No. It's just something that's a part of them. They're no different than anyone else."

His icy tone surprised me. I was lost for words as I stared at him, wondering what I said wrong.

"Sorry," he said, relaxing suddenly. "It's just I don't understand why you're so against the idea of depression. You seem like you're against it and that you're almost above it, which honestly, pisses me off."