Dear Scott..

January 17 & January 18

"Mitch!"

You called after me. I heard the bed squeak as indication that you got off of it. I didn't want you to chase after me. You promised me and you left me. You told me you loved me, and you lied to me.

"Mitch, just let me explain!"

Explain? How could you possibly explain being in bed with a girl? You told me you were gay. What did this mean? Are you bisexual? Pansexual? Are you just straight and I got played once more? What had just happened hurt more than what anyone else ever said to me. I never should have trusted anyone. I knew that I would get screwed over eventually, but I didn't know it would be by you. Out of all people, I never expected the one that I put every piece of my trust into would do this shit to me.

I just kept running. I didn't look back. I ran through the living room past all the drunks passed out on the floor. A few people gave me a questioning look and some yelled loudly when I had shoved them trying to get the hell out of that place. I was finally on the porch. The couple that was making out when we entered a while ago were gone. They probably went to another bedroom on the second floor...just like you did. I think if I would have stayed with you and not have gotten lost maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe I would have been the one in the bedroom with you and not some slut. Were you drunk? Maybe you didn't know what was happening. What if someone drugged you? You didn't look any different though.

I shook my head clear of my thoughts when I heard you calling behind me. I wondered how I was supposed to get home since you drove me here. Then I remembered, I didn't have a home. I could just spend the night in the woods nearby. I walked swiftly and carefully onto the road because I was out of breath at this point. I can usually run longer, but the breath got knocked out of me when I first opened the bedroom door.

I hid behind the trees and started walking into the forest, trying not to make much of a sound. When I heard your voice becoming more audible and frequent, I panicked. I sat on the cold ground and hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth as if I was a lost child. It felt like I was. Footsteps got closer as minutes passed and I kept silently reminding myself that I was hidden and you couldn't find me. I was safe and I should have been happy that way. Something about your worried voice made tears roll down my cheeks. You called out for me every once in a while and it did not seem like you were going to give up on finding me. I heard your voice crack a few times, and it broke my heart along with my soul and every single piece of me that was being held together by you.

"Mitch, please I just want to explain myself. I know you probably hate my guts right now, but you need to give me a chance," I could practically see the expression on your face in my mind. It hurt that you betrayed me like you did, but it hurt even more that I couldn't forgive you for it. I feel as if I would have stayed there and let you explain that I wouldn't be stuck in this predicament at the moment. But I also feel like if I would have let you explain, it wouldn't be what I wanted to hear you say.

It hurt. Everything hurt so much. My mind started screaming at me and I found myself deciding if I should stay where I was, run into your arms, or run the other direction. I do not know where I would end up if I didn't end up coming back to you, but maybe I would find my way? I felt my cheeks heat up and hot tears streamed down them uncontrollably. I was gasping for breath and the world was spinning around me. I didn't notice the rustle in the bushes nearby or the sudden light that shone on my face, revealing my hopeless appearance. I tried not the notice the strong arms come down to my rescue and picked me up bridal style. I tried not to notice the crying that stung my ears when they came from you. I tried to struggle against you, kicking and screaming. But I realized that I wasn't even moving against you. I was still. I was too numb to move and I was too numb to feel.

***

I woke up on a couch, alone. The sunshine was barely blocked out by the transparent curtain that hung messily over the window. The place looked familiar, but I didn't spend time thinking about it. I was caught off guard by the feeling that overcame me. There was a baby blue blanket draped over the cough I was on and I was covered by half of it. The pillow I was lying my head on smelled vaguely of you and a tear slipped on it when I realized where I was. I flinched and sat up quickly, looking around. Everything looked so normal, like nothing even happened last night. I remembered everything even though I really wish I hadn't.

Peering my head over top of the couch, I noticed that you were nowhere to be seen. Perhaps you felt bad, took me here to drop me off, and then drove off once more to fuck other girls. I tried not to care about what you did or what you were ever going to do. To be honest, I don't think I could ever not care. You were just an asshole that a month ago didn't even acknowledge I was alive and somehow I thought you were different and I trusted you.

I placed my feet on the carpeted floor and gently pulled the blanket off of me, draping it more over the couch. I felt weird and even though I had one drink at that party I still felt like shit. I looked around for shoes, trying to remember if I had any in the first place. When I came across sneakers I walked over to them, sat down, and slipped them on carefully, not caring if they were mine or not. There was still no sign of you and it upset me greatly because last night I started to think nothing happened majorly between you and that girl because of the worry that I kept hearing in your voice when you called my name. Now that you weren't here in your own house to protect me after what happened, I began to think it might have just been my imagination.

I walked out. The front door was only a few feet away and I figured there was no need to stay. The only thing I was now worried sick about was where the hell was I supposed to go? It was freezing outside and I failed to find a jacket before I left. I started walking down the sidewalk, away from your house. I didn't check if you were even there, maybe I should have checked before I left. Maybe I will always regret that I didn't, but there was no way in hell that I was going back inside.

As I continued to amble down the back-road, I sang quietly to myself. Maybe the quiet was too much for me this time. I didn't want to remember anything that had happened within the past 24 hours and I hoped the icy chills I kept getting from the outside weather would soon numb me for good. I sat down. It wasn't a highway so I had no strange feelings about anyone seeing me on the side of the road. Homeless. Alone. Cold. Numb. That is until I heard a car in the distance, then I stealthily backed up into the trees and let the noise overcome me. 

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This is a little short so I apologize. However, I haven't updated in about a month so I just wanted to. School starts again tomorrow so I'll try to update as much as I can! ~Ray