Keeping My Distance

twenty five

EDITED

Stefan has been locked up in the cellar for a week now. And I've reluctantly started school.

School is the worst. But at least I don't have to pretend to be happy, I can wallow in sadness and no one notices.

Damon picks me up and drops me off at school. He's afraid that if he doesn't I'll just drive off one day and not come back and I'm afraid of that too. So I don't care that he drives me, it's kind of nice actually. We are both broken over Stefan and Elena, we wallow together.

Around Damon, I'm sort of myself, well at least more lively than what I have been lately.
I miss Stefan, terribly. He was my best friend before all of this happened.

I tip toe down to the cellar and away from Damon's room.

Damon and I spend most nights sleeping in the same bed, because I end up having a nightmare or can't sleep. It's just easier than him coming to my room all the time.

My bare feet hit the cold ground quietly and I let the door creak open and I close it gently behind me as I descend the stairs to the cellar room that Stefan is trapped in. The air in the chilly basement nips at my bare legs.

I peek through the little bars in the door and see him sitting on the cot. Not sleeping. Just sitting and thinking to himself.

Stefan snaps his head up and looks at me curiously,

"So I'm supposed to be in love with you?"

I nod, unsure of what to say,

"Yeah."

"I don't know you. How can I be in love with you?" He asks cocking his head one way.

"We don't know how you lost your memories, Silas probably put a spell on the safe you were locked in. That's why Damon, your brother, gave you your old journals. We were hoping it would spark a memory of some sort," I explain, my voice low.

Stefan sighs and runs a hand through his light brown hair,

"I read them all. Every line. Every word. But then I realized, I barely even know who I am," Stefan looks up at me because I didn't answer him,

"Do you love me too?"

Sighing myself, I massage my temple before looking at him sadly,

"I care deeply for you, I want to tell you that yes I do love you too. But the fact is, you're just meeting me, and I'm just a stranger to you."

We share intense eye contact and I sigh once again and turn away

"I should go, goodnight, Stefan," I whisper before letting go of the bars on the door.

"Goodnight, Evelyn," He whispers back and lays down on the cot.

I head back upstairs and when I open the door back to Damon's room and close is behind me, I see his bed is empty.
Shit.

"What are you doing up?" Damon asks from behind me and I groan in defeat.

"I went to see Stefan," I say and crawl back into bed.

Damon gets in next to me and wraps an arm around my waist effortlessly, like it is routine.

"How was he?" Damon asks me hesitantly.

"He doesn't know who I am. How do I look at the guy I'm technically dating, and tell myself it's time to walk away?" I whisper into his bare chest which was warm and smooth.

Damon sits up and pulls me with him,

"Well, that's easy. Do you still want him?"

I shrug as we stare at one another in the darkness,

"Yeah, but he doesn't want me because he can't remember."

Damon's lips are inches from mine,

"I remember." He lifts unhand to stroke my cheek delicately with his fingers, as if I'm made of glass and he doesn't want me to break.

It is so hard for me to trust that anything is permanent. Yet, I love the idea that someone somewhere is made for me forever. I thought that was the case with Kol. I thought maybe Stefan was the one based off of our visions and our connection. But maybe there's no one actually out there for me. Maybe all I'll ever really feel is loneliness and fleeting sparks.

"Damon, I'm not sure about anything right now," I whisper as we stare intently at one another.

"I know that you don't know what you want. And that you just react all the time. And you only come to me when things are hard for you or when everything is going wrong. But I have feelings for you," Damon pauses and runs a hand through his hair, and my cheeks flush pink as he continues,

"Let's just live and what happens will happen."

Tears well up in my eyes. But this overwhelming feeling comes over me. I don't hurt anymore, in fact, I feel at ease.

I hope this feeling lasts.

Sometimes the thing you want to happen the most, doesn't. And the thing you never expected to happen, does.

His expression was serious and compassionate. I loved the way he looked at me, it was a different look than the way he looked at anyone else.

Maybe Damon could help me learn to stop loving someone who is too out of reach. Kol is gone, he's dead on the other side. And Stefan doesn't remember anything.

What happens if I do this? What happens if I open my heart again? What if Elena wants Damon back and he picks her again?

Damon's eyes scan my face, trying to figure out what I'm thinking.

I look up at him, pushing my hair behind my ears,

"Okay, I want to try this."

Before I can blink, his lips are capturing mine making me breathless. This is new and exciting and risky. It feels dangerous and passionate. And I'm absolutely terrified.