Between You and I

Chapter Twenty- Five

May 16, 2012: 73 Hours After

A lot of them are crying. A load of the people here- attending this dark funeral- are from school. Who probably only came so that people won't view them as the soulless creatures they actually are. The priest up front drones on about things I don't really care about and so on, so forth. Valentine's parents wanted me to take a seat next to them in the front row, and when I took in Ms. Holmes' puffy red face, I couldn't say no even though my only wish was to sit in the back.

Ms. Holmes can't stop crying. Mr. Holmes (they came together for this, like a truce for a while) is trying to stay strong for her, but I see how hard he's trying to keep it together. He can't even look at the coffin dead on. But I can. I've cried so much over the past few days that if I cry now, I'd probably cry blood. It doesn't matter though. Nothing really does. She left me again. She's tearing me up. Again.

I'm tired of her shit. There was a point in the last couple hours where I was just so angry. I admit, if you asked me then, I would have told you that if I could revive people, I would revive her just to kill her. Though now? I don't know. I don't know anything and everything. Was I supposed to wear black today? Because I sure didn't. I knew that she wouldn't want a black dreary funeral. She would say, "It's a celebration of death in a way. Why wear black?"

Though everyone showed up in the colour except me. Whatever. I don't care if everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick for wearing red to an all black funeral. Black looks so out of place with all the flowers anyway. Charlie's sitting behind me, constantly prodding my back, asking if I'm okay or not. I swear to God, I'm so close to having it with him. It doesn't even take an idiot to know that I'm incredibly far from okay.

Then everyone stands up in the small chapel, and starts forming a line leading to her open coffin. I guess the priest finished talking and it's that part where people say their 'last goodbyes' and shit. What's the point of that anyway? It's not like she can hear them. Ears don't exactly work when you're dead.

So, why? Do people feel like saints if they do this? Saying goodbye to someone they didn't get the chance to say goodbye to while the person was still alive? Or maybe just cause they're guilty souls who haven't even bothered to say hello in the first place.

Well, I've said goodbye once already. I've said goodbye so many times. This one won't make any difference. Besides, she's already said goodbye to me. She's said goodbye to everyone. She knew she would never see any of us again. So she had to have said goodbye. At least, in her head she did. All of my classmates go up one by one, saying whatever they wish, and I save all the bitter comments to myself.

Like: you've never talked to her you bitch, and, you're the one who told the whole school that she was a no good slut, remember? Save your pity tears for another dead soul.

One by one, everyone goes, and finally Mr. and Ms. Holmes stand up after the last high schooler takes a seat. They usher me up, and I still can't say no to them. Even though I do think that this whole thing is stupid. Why can't they just bury her and leave it at that?

I stand behind the now childless, divorced couple- the only ones left in the line besides me- and I watch them. They speak softly enough that I can't hear them, but she starts shaking at the sight of her daughter while he holds her close and tight.

Did Valentine even think about what this would do to them? What this would do to me? She left; leaving us in a hell fire she started herself. It's not fair. Every time Ms. Holmes heaves and sobs, a little bit of my numbness chips away and I feel it. I feel every ache coursing through my body and every broken piece of my heart stabs my insides.

I stick my hands into my pants pockets, trying to keep myself from crying because I swear that this is the first time I see Mr. Holmes shed a tear in my life. My hand encloses around a piece of paper in my right pocket: finally giving me something to use to take my mind off of it all. It's probably a recite. I slide it out, look at its folded corners and-

This is not a recite.

The couple in front of me takes a seat, and my hands begin to tremble as I remember what I've written in it. Why I've written it. Her coffin is all I can see in front of me, and out of nowhere my emotions go crazy.

I'm angry that she left.

I'm confused because I thought that we could be happy.

I don't understand why she's gone.

I'm frustrated because after all this time, she completely destroys me all over again.

And I'm devastated that now she can never make me feel those things again.

She can never leave me for someone else. She can never be happy. She can never make me understand why she just stops talking to me. Never can I be frustrated at how I try so hard to show her that I love her and she just throws it all away.

She'll never smile at me again. Those calls in the middle of the night that we used to do before will never happen anymore. We'll never go farther than we did on that road trip and we'll never drive in her car until its way past midnight. She'll never again laugh, cry, scream, shout, talk, or say that she loves me.

The tears are hot against my skin and it burns so bad, but even through them, I can see her pale face. I can see her pale lips that I kissed the day she died and I promise you I can still feel the heat on mine. But her's is just cold, now. She's gone cold. Like a block of ice.

My hand tightens around the piece of paper. God, Valentine. Everyone has told me that you're a bitch, but now? I actually believe them. You can't just take me away from all of this BS for a day then die the next. You can't tell me that you love me, and then take that all away. Didn't you even stop to think about anyone?

Did you think about how you're shredding your mom's heart and forcing your dad to stay up, crying at night, hoping that nobody will catch him!? How about Cady? Weren't the two of you friends or something? Did you just think about it all!?

I grip the edge of the coffin, letting the tears fall onto her lifeless body, letting the crowd stare and wonder just what is going through my head but I don't mind because every single fucker in here was given their sweet time to say what they want to say, so it's my goddamn turn! The air is cold inside my lungs and I grit my teeth.

"Valentine..." I whisper. Half of me expectes her to say something while the other half bitterly spits, "She's never going to answer you, idiot."

"If your soul or whatever can hear me..." The piece of folded paper is now completely crumpled, but I tuck it inside her hand anyway.

"I hope you're happy now. At least... more than when you were here." Again, my mind splits into two since one side of me is breaking down emotionally, while the other side just wants to slap her dead corpse.

Someone places their hands on my shoulders, and I turn to see my dad. His eyes are blurry, but his mouth is a firm line; giving me the hint that I should go sit back down. I run my arm across my eyes and sniff, taking one, good last look at her before taking my seat next to Ms. Holmes. I guess she thinks that I need some comfort because she takes my hand in hers.

They close up the coffin and wrap it all up by lowering her into a hole in the ground along with that piece of paper. Even though I don't have those words written anywhere else, I remember the one sentence that's scrawled across it. The one sentence that I never told her because I thought that I would get the chance later.

You're the reason why I smile.