Between You and I

Chapter Thirty- Three

 May 21, 2013: 201 Hours After

You know, Valentine? I wish you could’ve just written it all down on some lousy Hallmark card and mailed it to me. You should have done that. It would have given me one reason to hate you.

Just one.

“Are you alright, Dan? You’re not talking or being at least sarcastic like the last time I saw you.”  Mr. Quinn speaks softly, knowing that he was treading on thin ice today.

Why do psychiatrists have to be so damn good at knowing these things?

“No, I’m not.”

“Well then, what happened…” His voice trails off, and again, I can hear the gears churning in his head, and he figures out what exactly had happened.

“You read the next thing she wrote to you, right?” I nod.

The whole thing is completely out of balance. Here I am, willing to read everything she had to say but couldn’t, and I can’t say anything back. I can’t say shit about anything.

I can’t explain how I feel to her. I can’t tell her that she’s wrong and that all thE emotion she’s kept hidden wasn’t something worth hiding. But on the other hand, it was as well. If I was Valentine Holmes, well, to be honest…

I would have killed myself a long time ago.

“What did it say?” His eyes stare intently at me, letting me know that he would wait as long as I wanted him to wait for an answer.

“She felt worthless.”

Silence hangs in the air as if time had completely frozen in place.

“She wants me to understand all her reasons, but I don’t think she understood me when she was here.” You didn’t at all, Val.

The words slowly begin to come to the surface without my minds consent; each word being pulled out of me by a string.

“I didn’t care about her imperfections. I didn’t care about how she was so spontaneous. I didn’t care about her silences or her independent thinking.” I say quietly, my mouth sealing shut while my thoughts continue to rage inside.

Valentine, I loved it. Every bit and piece of you… I loved them all. I loved the way you sang when you thought no one could hear in the halls. How you would hold my hand whenever you were scared, or when you would hold it just because.

I loved your over active imagination.

The way your curly hair stuck out in places might have been out of line in someone’s opinion, but not mine. No, they were always where they were supposed to be.

I loved the way you cried silently, and then broke down all at once without having to yell or scream.

Your big brown eyes always glistened with life that no one else had when you laughed.

You drank, but never got drunk.

You made jokes that made me double over in laughter, and I loved the way you laugh. You gently tilted your head back, and made a sound that should have belonged to an angel, but it somehow found you.

That little birthmark shaped like some sort of small flower near your collarbone is something that I always loved because it was yours, and no one else had it.

I loved how you would bite your lip when you were nervous or wouldn’t know what to say, or think, or do. The way you randomly broke into song when someone spoke a lyric without realizing it always made me sing along with you, despite my horrible singing.

When you think of it, no one deserves to be seen as the world to someone. That just isn’t fair because we’re all human. The beauty we hold in ourselves isn’t even one millionth of the beauty the universe holds. Other times, we even have no beauty at all.

However, we always tend to find that one someone who thinks differently. The one person who looks at you, and just knows that you. Are. Their universe. Just knowing that fact, makes it all the more important because that one someone should be all that matters.

I’m your someone. Even though you believed that you were worth nothing at all, I’m the one person who didn’t see you as the darkness you saw yourself. You were very far from the darkness you saw yourself being.

Why couldn’t that have been enough?

“She didn’t understand that I loved everything about her. All her mistakes, and all her perfections.”

Everything, Valentine.

“Even when I thought she was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I knew that she wasn’t because she could never be that.”

I loved it all.

“I just miss her so much that it feels like she’s falling through my fingers, and no matter how much I hold on, I can’t.”

I loved you.

“She loved me, too. I know she did…”

I still do. Goddamn, I still do.

“But why wouldn’t she let me love her?”

And that’s my problem.

~AN: Sorry for the late update, I was on a writer’s block for awhile.~