Between You and I

Chapter Thirty

May 20, 2012: 169 Hours After

It's eight in the morning. On a Sunday.

Can't my family just go to an afternoon church or something? I was never really religious; I just grew up with it. None of it feels real at all. Just... Another tall tale about a guy who died for our sins. And, if we don't accept his gift of salvation we're screwed to kingdom come. As in, we rot in hell.

I mean, we deserve to rot in hell. Everybody does. Nobody has a squeaky clean record like this Jesus guy did. So, why would God send Jesus to save us? If I was Him, I'd pretty much just be all like, "Fuck it, you guys are on your own." But no, He sent His only Son to die for us. Another thing that confuses me is how God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit can be one thing. That doesn't make sense.

Everything's so complicated; no one can even begin to understand. How can you believe in something you don't understand? That's another problem. I'm the sort of guy who likes to know why something happens, and the reasons behind it. So, sue me if I find it hard to believe in something I can't see.

It's been a week since I've seen Valentine alive. Right at this moment, one week ago, I was in her car, talking to her, laughing with her, breathing with her... It doesn't feel like she's been dead for a week. It feels like she's been dead for a day.

I still expect to see her around whenever I'm out. I'd pass by some sort of smoothie place, and expect to see her ordering something at the counter. Whenever I go to the abandoned arcade with the secret bar inside, I expect to see Val, moving to the beat of the music with a red cup in hand.

Then when I don't, it hits me once again that she's never going to do those things ever, and I head back on home because I don't feel like being out anymore.

Sitting here, at church, I'm feeling especially against God today. If He loves us so much, why did he leave Valentine alone? If He cares, why did Valentine feel the need to leave?

If God hates to see us in agony, why did he leave her to die in it?

I feel like the biggest fraud in the room; kneeling down, pretending to pray.

Is Valentine in heaven? Or is she rotting in hell? Isn't killing yourself one of the greatest sins? All of a sudden, everything falls onto me and I'm being crushed because of the whole concept of afterlife. I don't want Val to spend an eternity in hell. She was a good person. She was a great person who was just lost.

She was someone who was just destroyed by the world God put her in. She's a rose that died like a broken love, and a speech that ran out of words.

Not only God left her for dead.

We all did. Without knowing, we all left her to die. We all killed her.

I killed her.

Heat pierces my eyes and I can't take being in this room anymore. I'm being suffocated by everyone around me and I can't breathe. Marcelline looks at me, eyes wide, and I snap. I get up, and run for it.

I slip out of the church room and run as fast as I can out of there. I killed Valentine Holmes. Indirect murder. Unintentional murder. I'm a murderer. My feet hit the road and I can barely see with my sight blurred by tears.

I killed her because I made her feel like she was screwing up my life. I gave her another reason to hate herself, another reason to do it; to die. I gave her another reason to why she shouldn't be here, and another reason to be alone. I made her feel alone. Like everyone hated her.

"Dan!" Marcelline screams somewhere behind me, but I keep running.

"Daniel!" I need to get away from here. I need to get out of here. I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe.