Bad Habit

four

Moss was completely torn.

Sitting in front of his computer on a Friday night, almost a week after his dreaded party, dressed in nothing but a loose tank top and a new pair of lace that he safely ordered online. His parents were out, Anne left hours prior, and he was genuinely home alone, so why was starting the broadcast so difficult? He did it virtually every Friday night, no, he looked forward to doing it every Friday night. It was most often the highlight of his week. How about the huge victory against a rival team? No. A good party with his close friends? No. A nice date with Jane? Definitely not. The best part of his week entailed slutting himself up on camera for horny guys who did nothing more than praise and praise him. That, to Moss, was something he could look forward to. 

But this time around, it was different. Everything felt somehow tainted. . . And while he knew the reason for such a feeling, he tried his hardest not to acknowledge it. He tried to convince himself to just do it, considering users were already commenting on his broadcast slot he opened up, begging him to begin. He tried to say that maybe he wasn't watching, and even so, who cares if he was? There wasn't a thing Moss could do about him anymore. Everything was exposed and as much as he said he didn't like it, he kind of did. 

With that in his subconscious, he started up the camera. He checked himself out in the mirror as it rebooted, eventually showing a picture of his room to nearly 4,000 viewers. The comment section erupted with virtual cheers which only boosted Moss' confidence. After taking a deep breath, he stepped into view, doing his usual bow, allowing his hair to fall in front of his face and hide his identity. It was such a thrill once he started his music and began to dance, it always was. The feeling never grew old or repetitive. 

When he started to flaunt about his room, he finally felt like he was doing something he wanted to do. He was forced to do so much in his life that he had no interest in, and this was something that he wholeheartedly chose to do on his own. This was an act that made him actually feel something, and something other than guilt and the weight of responsibility. He could escape into a world where he felt truly appreciated and accepted for who he was and what he liked to do, not shoved into a tiny box that had other people's expectations written on the outside of it. No, on this website, Moss was out. He was out of the goddamn box and he loved every second of it.

The act of his broadcasts was an escape. A completely freeing, erotic, exciting escape. It was nothing more than a place he went to be himself and show others who he was. If he didn't have such an outlet, he probably would've gone insane or let his true self slip. God forbid anyone figured out that Theodore Mosspack was gay. 

And gay was a harsh word to Moss that he never used. He was convinced that he had never said it out loud in public, and he cringed every time he heard someone else mutter it. Hearing someone else say it pissed him off to no end, for he knew that he should be the one using the word. He should be the one condemning his friends for being ignorant, homophobic assholes, and he should be the one speaking it to possibly make an impact on his community and peers. And yet, he found it to be the dirtiest word of all, one to never be uttered.

But of course, he knew that he was defined by the word and he had grown to accept it. There wasn't anything he could do to change it, and he would know because he literally tried everything. And if he was honest, he was still trying by dating Jane for over a year. He thought of her as no more than a close friend, with the exception of occasional making out and casual sex. Casual sex that he did not enjoy in any sense, that is. Jane took things a little more seriously which was good for Moss. He could barely try and still keep up appearances with a beautiful girl who had no idea that her boyfriend was gay. He did feel bad about deceiving her, but it's not like he had a choice.