Umbridge: Alright chil'ren, have fun in Hogsmeade. Oh, and don't get killed by Sirius Black.
"I wouldn't kill them." Grumbled Sirius.
Whew, Mama sure does have some mischievous little scamps, doesn't she Big D?
Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.
Everyone's eyes widened.
"Ewww!"
Umbridge: Dumbledore? You sent me the snapdragons didn't you?
Dumbledore: Oh yeah.
Umbridge: That was so sweet.
"I think I might be sick."
Dumbledore: Well I am the Headmaster. It's my job to make all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. So what do you say Umbridge? How about we hop on a good foot and head down to the Three Broomsticks and I will treat you to a traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shot?
Everyone paled.
Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off of all the new teachers?
Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones.
"This is disgusting."
Umbridge: gasps Dumbledore, you're making me blush.
Dumbledore: Oh yeah? Singing. I bet that you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things.
"No."
Umbridge: I'm sure that you've got all the girls to beg you for their wedding rings.
Dumbledore: What? I like your twisted humor!
Umbridge: I like you mystic rumors.
Both: I'd say we can assume we're gonna get along.
Umbridge: You're not like average Joe's or Jim's or Tim's or John's.
Dumbledore: And I'd wager that you'd never run from danger with those muscles made of bronze. I can safely shout, without a doubt, that it won't take very long...
Both: Before we're getting, and not regretting, ever setting on getting along!
Dumbledore: Oh, right this way Umbridge.
Umbridge: Oh my! What a fancy place.
Waiter: Oh, look at these strapping young gentlemen. What'll it be Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Just the Welcome-to-Hogwarts special.
Waiter: Ah! Two body shots coming right up.
"The waiter makes that sound normal!"
Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is so crazy.
Dumbledore: Oh I'm full of crazy ideas. Oh hey, by the way Umbridge, have you ever tried Gillyweed? We can have some of this and take a dip in our hidden swimming pool.
"Our next mission is to find the hidden swimming pool."
Umbridge: Hidden swimming pool, where's that?
Dumbledore: On Cloud 9, baby. On Cloud 9! Ah ha!
"Ew."
Dumbledore: You are a beautiful sample, for example my gosh, you're so strong! What's the matter with me?
Umbridge: Oh, you're just flattering me!
Both: Oh, how we're both just getting along.
Umbridge: I've never felt this way before...
Dumbledore: Felt how?
Umbridge: Um, intimidated? You have such prominence and poise!
Dumbledore: Oh that old thing! Baby, it's just me Dumbledore. So just try to relax, face the facts-you'll feel just like one of the boys!
Umbridge: One of the boys? I do?
Dumbledore: Oh you sure do baby! Ha-ha!
Umbridge: Dumbledore! Yes sir, you're the one professor that'd I'd want detention from.
Some people blocked their ears.
Dumbledore: Umbridge, you're the handsome wizard that'd I'd want an extension from!
Umbridge: And you'd get it too.
Dumbledore: I'll get the door.
Umbridge: Oh, you'll get much more...
Everyone looked horrified. Umbridge the most.
Both: Either way we can't go wrong, with how shamelessly and how famously we're both just getting along.
Umbridge: Dumbledore, before we go any further, there's a confession I want to make.
Dumbledore: Oh yeah?
Umbridge: I've never been with a man before.
"No one would want to."
Dumbledore: Oh you're first time with a man can be very scary. Mine certainly was, but Grindelwald
"Grindewald?"
just took my hand and said, "Relax Dumby, we cool and go with the flow. You know?"
Umbridge: Dumbledore, you know just what to say to make me feel magical. Most guys don't understand me at all.
Dumbledore: Well, uh, I think we understand each other perfectly, Mr. Umbridge.
Both: Oh, we'd be get-get-getting, we'll be get-get-getting, getting ALONG!
