Ice Cold | ✓

my mirror

Oh Jesus, what did I do to deserve this? So much experience with being hungover and yet every time I wake up with it it's always the same bitch as before. This calls for the savior, advil. This time, I actually had some and thankfully, every one of my friends felt the same way.

Today had now been named a lazy day, since they all felt like shit and I didn't feel like getting dressed. Thank god that the teachers had kept the dance on a weekend not during the school week. They probably knew that half the school wouldn't be coming today if it was that way. I put on some J. Cole since his voice was very calming to me and I couldn't stand upbeat music at the moment.

I was currently sitting on my couch, wearing sweatpants and my favorite comfy Hogwarts sweater. Who said that a bad ass couldn't like Harry Potter? In fact, that's exactly what I was doing. I had Harry Potter on the TV, ready for a long ass marathon with me, myself, and my coffee caramel gelato.

"You're a wizard Harry." Hagrid said while I said the words myself, I mean I practically had the whole movie memorized by now. It used to be my brother and I's favorite pass time. "I'm a what?" I said while looking at the screen. That was the same time that the doorbell rang.

I paused the movie and fixed my hair a little bit since I knew my friends knew my door was always unlocked. I walked to the door, gelato in my hand, with remains of my makeup bugging me on my face. I had tried so hard to get it off and stopped trying when it wouldn't come off. It was almost gone anyways and I don't look that bad, I thought to myself. I turned the knob on the door and opened it a little warily. When I fully opened it, eyes just like mine stared back at me.

My eyes widened as I recognized the man looking at me from the door. For a second my mind totally blanked out, old memories rushing into my head. The laugh of the man standing in front of me, little, innocent, me running around. Then I remembered that day when I was five years old. When I woke up to go into my parents room and he was gone, no note or anything. Then my mother slapping me on the cheek and never spoke to me with her loving tone ever again.

It was his fault. Everything. My mother. My brother. Me.

I quickly grew angry and slammed the door shut on his face.

"Bea, honey, please, listen to me." "I'm sorry for everything just please, let me in." He said. That voice brought tears to my eyes, I bit my tongue to make them go away. They did.

"No!" "Why are you even here, go away like you did before!" I shouted at him through the door.

"I'm trying to apologize Bea, I'm your father, please, just hear me out." He pleaded. I clenched my fists, about to blow. I opened the door and let him and the man that was with him in. "Sit." I told them. "Bea, you look just like her." He said. That made me angry, and clenched my jaw and answered, "I don't care, she means nothing to me anymore." He looked guilty and that made me soften up just a little bit. "Where is she?" He asked. "Dead," I answered, no sadness in my voice. "No," He said, trying to convince himself that his wife was not really dead.

"She died from overdose, I thought you must've heard." I said angrily. "Your mother blocked me off completely after I left, I had no idea Bea." He said, sadness in his eyes. "Well, maybe if you hadn't left than she wouldn't be gone," I said, not holding back at all. "And Will?" He asked. That was the first time I had heard my brother's name in a while. All my anger faded away and sadness replaced it. "He's dead," I replied, hating the way that my voice  cracked. This time he stood up, tears in his eyes. It was quite weird seeing a man in a suit and an expensive watch, cry. He couldn't bring himself to say  anything. "You're all alone?" He asked tears running down his face now. I nodded, looking at the floor. "No," He kept repeating to himself.

He walked up to me and hugged me, this time I didn't hold back. A traitor tear fell down my face. He was here again, in a way it made me feel like my mother and my brother were hugging me at the same time. I let go of him, turned away and wiped the tears off my face. "It's okay to cry in front of me Bea, I'm your father." He said to me. I turned around, stone hard expression on my face.

"Why are you here!" I shouted at him. "I thought that we could be a family again, all of us." He said still speaking calmly. "Well there's only me left and if I was the reason that you left than why don't you just go back now?" I asked him, still shouting. "Is that really what you think?" He asked me. "You think that I left because of you?" He inches closer to me. "That's what my mother brought me up telling me." I screamed, the hate evident in my voice. "No, Bea, I left because it was just too much pressure." "I was a soon-to-be owner of a company and I just couldn't do it with so much distraction in my life." He said. "So your family was a distraction to you?" I yelled. "No, your mother wanted another child Bea, she wanted a full family and I couldn't do it. It was too much to take!" He finally broke.

"So you left your family because you cared more about your job." I stated. "Its not like that Bea." "I already had you and your brother I couldn't do another child." "On top of that, your mother didn't do anything, the love just wasn't there anymore Bea." "I wish I could say that it was, but it was gone." He was tearing up again. I understood him completely. I knew the reason why he had left.

"Why come back after so long?, why not do it before?" I asked him. "I was caught up in some trouble back then and couldn't get out of it to fix things with you guys." He said. "What do you mean by trouble?" I asked him, suspicious of what he was saying. "I-you might want to sit down Bea." He said before continuing. I sat.

"I was in a gang before I married your mother Bea." He started. What shocked me most was what he said after this. "The gang leader's name was John Kullen and he was like a brother to me." "He said that it would be big money if I joined him, so I did." "I found family there, I was finally happy." I know that feeling. I thought. "When John died, he gave me the responsibility of leading the gang." "At that time, I was only eighteen and was totally ready to do this job, I was the only person that John trusted." "It was sad to see him go but I guess it had to happen someday" He smiled sadly. "I led the gang for a while and then got tired of it." "John had told me that the only way you could stop leading was go pass it on to a family member, be killed, or entrust someone's life onto that position." "That was when I made the biggest mistake." He said. "I could've just trusted someone with my life, but I didn't trust anyone there." He said. Why did I have a bad feeling about what was coming next?

"I passed it on to my future child." He said while looking down. "I didn't tell your mother, only my gang knew." "They all respected my decision and backed out of the gang until my child came to call it." No, Will. I knew now why my brother was the leader of our gang. "I'm so sorry Bea." "I left when Will came of age, I told him and then I left, I couldn't see my own son go through that." He sadly smiled at me.

"No! You should've helped him through that! He thought that by joining the gang, he was going to be respected by his father!" I was screaming again. "I know! But I couldn't, I was still young, it wasn't your fault!" He replied. "I know, it was yours, you bastard!" I yelled. "What would you do if you were in my place!" My father tried to reason with me. "I would've stayed with my son and not leave such a big burden on him!" I said.

"I really am sorry Bea." He said one last time. He then walked over to my phone and put in his number. "Call me if you need anything, ever. I will always be there for you." "Why don't you move in with me, we can live together, Bea." "I'll give you some time to decide, you don't have to tell me yet." "I love you honey, so much." He kissed my forehead and closed the door behind him.

I could see it now, what the years of being in a gang had done to him. He didn't know how to love anymore. He held so much pain in his eyes, pain that even Will couldn't have understood. But I did. It wasn't his fault. He just made all the wrong decisions as a teenager. He was respected, and powerful. I realized that I was happy he had come to visit. It made me realize that I had that power too once. I had made the right choice, even if it was the more painful one.

It was like looking in a mirror. He had felt the same as me. He had been through it all. He had felt it too.

~~~~~

JESUS :0

HELLA DEEP BROO

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FREAKING WROTE THAT :(((

WELL TWO CHAPTERS FOR YOUUU :))

ABOVE IS BEA WHEN SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE YOUNGER :)

LOVE
            DISHA ;)