✦Joshler✦: He's A Butcher With A Smile

Being Honest

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
—Jane Austen

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I paced back and fourth in the gas station bathroom, contemplating what I was going to do. I had to choose one of two options:

Either I would have to face whatever I was feeling and be honest with Jenna, or I would continue pushing away the feelings, end anything more than friendship with Josh, and keep lying to Jenna. Neither seemed good to me.

My mind was spinning and I didn't have a clue what was the right option.

Well, I did, it was just the more terrifying one.

"Ty?" Josh's voice interrupted the discussion I was having with myself.
"Yeah," I gulped, not sure how I was supposed to act. I hadn't really made up my mind yet.

"I don't want you to be mad at me," he said with such pain in his words that I winced, forcing myself to open the door and let him in.

"I'm not angry at you," I shrugged numbly, taking a deep breath and stepping aside with defeat in my voice. He looked confused by the statement; probably because you'd assume someone who'd just screamed at you was upset- my mind is funny in that it changes in minutes.

"I'm just scared," I informed honestly. Usually Josh helped me with this sort of thing, but I couldn't just be like,
"Hey Josh, I think I have feelings for you. I know you're not gay and this will probably ruin our friendship, but ya know, just wanted to put it out there so we can never be comfortable around each other again."

I hated feeling trapped like this. Like there was really no good way to handle it.
"Why?" Josh took a step closer, putting a gentle hand on my shoulder as his face softened to concern. I stared at his soft hand before answering.

I sighed.
"You were right about me distancing myself from Jenna." He nodded for me to go on.
"I don't know, I just–" I couldn't find the right words to say, as always.

"Do you have feelings for someone else?" He prodded, the question only making me feel more nauseated.
"Yes," I breathed quietly. I silently hoped Josh didn't ask anything else, that he would tell me it was just a small crush that would go away.

"Who?" Josh tilted his head, as if this was new news for him. I shook my head to say I couldn't tell him.

"Tyler, we're best friends, you can share anything with me," Josh persuaded in a tone that made me feel less nauseous. I flinched at his statement, my throat becoming dry.
"And that's why I can't tell you," I finally met his eyes, feeling mine becoming misty.

All of the sudden I felt suffocated, like the walls were caving in and covering my mouth with their plastery hands. I bolted past him out into the mini store, and didn't stop to see his reaction.

Josh was smart, he could read between the lines.
And I had just potentially destroyed our friendship.