"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up"
—Neil Gaiman
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
We were setting up for the next concert, and I had avoided Josh since out conversation at the gas station. Although, it wasn't really a conversation, but more of a depressing coming out of the closet.
Except I'd come out of a smelly bathroom.
How was I going to play a concert when all I could think about was Josh and how stupid I'd acted? Not that I had a choice.
I sat still in my chair, letting the make up artists cover my neck with black paint. It tickled my skin, making me flinch with every dab they put on.
"All done," I heard one of them say, closing the container with a 'click' and sashaying over to where Josh sat across the room.
I stared at myself in the mirror, wondering if Josh thought I was attractive, because I couldn't help it.
Who am I kidding, no one could find me attractive, a sneaky voice chimed in my skull.
After a few minutes of fixing up my hair one last time, I hopped off the chair.
"We need to start warming up," I said to no one in particular.
Josh turned to face me and nodded. We walked over to the piano and drum set that the team set up for us to practice on. I took my place behind the keys, and Josh sat at the drums.
"Ok what do you want to start with?" I asked him, cracking my knuckles sheepishly. Josh cleared his throat and met my eyes for the first time in days. Unfortunately, what he said next was not a song title.
"Listen, Tyler, about what you told me..."
"Forget about it. It was just in the moment. Let's just pretend it never happened," I cut him off.
"Besides, it doesn't matter what dumb feelings I'm having anyway. I'm married." I mumbled, feeling hopeless.
He looked down with a disappointed face. It surprised me; if anything I assumed he would be glad I didn't like him as more than a friend. That way he didn't have to go through the
"I think we should just be friends, I don't feel the same" talk.
"If that's what you want," Josh muttered sourly, picking up his drum sticks.
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After rehearsal, we went on stage to face the roaring crowd.
"I LOVE YOU!" One fan near the front screamed energetically.
"I LOVE YOU TOO!" I mimicked, which only made our fans holler louder. I chuckled at the exchange, even though I felt like complete crap, then introduced our band and told them the first song.
The concert was going by faster than I expected, and I actually had a pretty good poker face when it came to acting ok. Plus, music is the best medicine for me.
"Our next song is 'I Can't Help Falling In Love', a little cover we like to do" I announced, grabbing my ukulele from where it sat on the piano, the crowd cheering again.
We started playing and I got lost in the music. If I concentrated on the words and what they meant, I could immerse myself in the song.
"Can I stay? would it be a sin?" The crowd sang along loudly as we played.
With every word, all I could think about was Josh.
Stop thinking about him, idiot. Best friend not boyfriend, best friend not boyfriend, I repeated in my head.
"Like a river flows, surely to the sea," I shut my eyes for the verse,"Some things, are meant to be, oh!" I paused.
Now the song was nearing the end and slowing down, so my eyes naturally searched for my true love, Jenna.
But instead, they fell on Josh, who stared back almost as if he was in awe of my singing.
"But I can't help," I sang slowly, a chorus of fans singing along, "Falling in love...with...you," I finished, looking directly at him, almost unable to finish the song as my throat squeezed shut.
He smirked back at me, and I silently hoped he felt what I felt. I needed him to feel what I felt. Because I knew this wasn't something I would be able to shut off or push away.
I regretted what I told him before the show when I'd told him to forget about what I said.
I now knew I couldn't forget it;
and that couldn't help falling in love with him.
There, I finally admitted it.
I'm in love with Joshua Dun.
I took a bow as the crowd yelled happily, and Josh stood up, walking over to me. His face was bright red as we left the stage. Jenna was there, staring at me with an expression I couldn't read.
"Tyler?" She asked in a sullen voice.
"Yeah?" I asked hesitantly, knowing this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation.
"Do you love me?" She inquired after a deep breath. I felt my stomach flop.
"I'm just gunna go uh, do something. Bye," Josh pointed towards nothing.
"Yeah Josh, you do that," Jenna sneered, to which he shoved his hands in his pocket and left. I scowled at her for her rudeness and hoped Josh was ok.
Once he was out of earshot, I answered Jenna's question.
"Of course I do! I married you!" I grabbed her hands, trying to sound sure of myself. Why did I continue to lie like this?
"Are you trying to convince me or you?" She said disgustedly, pulling her hands away.
I tried to speak, but nothing came out. She was angry now, looking at her feet.
"That's what I thought. Call me when you decide what you really want. Because I deserve someone who's in love with me, and only me," she said bitterly. I felt as if I was crumbling from the inside out. My whole perfect little life I'd tried to create was now crashing down into a pile of rubbish. She began to walk away.
"Why are you doing this?" I forced her to stop, shaking my head while my heart stopped.
"Please Tyler, I'm not stupid. I see the way you act around him. I know you have feelings for him. You don't have that kind of connection with me, and you never have. I thought that maybe I could get you to love me like that, but I'm done trying Tyler. I'm done," she quietly choked out the last sentence, storming away and wiping tears.
It didn't take a genius to know she was talking about Josh.
What the hell just happened?
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AN- reading this 2 years later I'm cringing so hard. And yes, I know Tyler puts on his makeup himself. I was a new fan when I wrote this, and I went straight to writing fanfic because my alter ego needed to come out. So excuse any errors frens. Thanks for reading!
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✦Joshler✦: He's A Butcher With A Smile
Fanfiction"Best friend not boyfriend. Best friend not boyfriend," Tyler repeats to himself endlessly. He can't feel this way about his best friend, and he wouldn't let himself. But Tyler should know better than anyone; you can't hide from love. Especially w...
