Touch & Go

6. Moment I Knew

The second part of the chapter is a flashback.

This chapter is dedicated to Shiningstars99 for supporting and appreciating me all along. I miss you. :)

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 "I try not to fall apart, and the sinking feeling starts."

- Taylor Swift, Moment I Knew

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January 26th, 2016

COLD. White. Plain. Nostalgic. 

I was huddled in a corner with my favourite ice cream flavour. My phone pinged and I read Theo's message saying he was running late. That's alright, I thought, the snow was being a major obstacle in everyone's way that day.

I sneezed and immediately regretted asking Theo out for ice cream earlier. It was a desperate attempt at meeting up and he had seen through it. I remembered how my brain had turned into mush and my limbs refused to untangle from him. In an attempt to calm my conscience, I had asked him out again. The only downside being, I suggested we go out for ice cream. I knew I should have thought it out. Now he must think I'm a clingy person with a rampant mindset. Great work, Iris.

I sneezed again and cursed myself, keeping my eyes closed. Only to open them to a sight I would pay to watch.

There stood Theo, a few feet from me, in a beanie and hand-knit muffler, a long coat and rudolf nose. The snow flakes settled in his attire, adorning his look and he rubbed his hands rubbing against each other, attempting to keep himself warm. His eyes searched for me and glinted as they found me. He walked towards me and opened his arms, embracing the thermostat-maintained temperature of the quaint shop.

I noticed the tall, lean figure trailing behind him, his face hidden. He seemed familiar and I dreaded the outcome. I tried to focus on Theo instead, who had now walked up to my table. He kissed my cheek with a wink and greeted me with "Hi, monkey."

"This is my closest cousin, I ran into him on my way here. Thought he could use some time away from Uni. Hey doofus, this is Iris." He called at the man who had entered with him and gestured him towards us, except I still couldn't see him, for his head was bent downwards and he wasn't looking at us.

I waited till I could see him and greet him. Only to see his face and freeze like the weather outside. My spine straightened and my face drew a blank stare. I felt my eyes gloss over and my lips tremble.

"Iris? This is Adam Rufus Hugo." He said his cousin's name like he was introducing a member of an aristocratic family.

Adam. My Adam. A tear threatened to break through but I held it in, refusing to cry over him again.

"Iris. Hi! It's great to see you again. It's been exactly a year since I saw you, eh? You look pretty." Adam said casually. I tried to keep it in, but failed miserably when the past flashed in snippets in front of my eyes.

"Don't you dare pull this with nonchalance, you coward." I spewed with hatred lacing my every word.

"You still have forgotten, I see." He didn't even glance at me.

"It's a little hard to forget two years of my life."

"I told you, I didn't mean it."

"Didn't mean to what? Cheat on me every time I trusted you?"

"It was a misunderstanding."

"Shove those excuses up your arse. I'm sick of your lies."

I stood hastily and looked at Theo, vulnerability shining bright in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Theodore. It's a story for some other day." I tried a feeble joke, "I need to go."

"Sure. Let me please drop you home. It's mad out there."

"I need to be alone, Theo. I'll call you once I reach home, I promise."

He nodded in understanding and apologised for whatever had happened. I exited without a backward glance and let the tears stain my face.

~~~

January 26th, 2014 (two years ago)

"You look absolutely dench, monkey. Good luck with your speech." Grace smiled and kissed my forehead like she always did.

It was my 18th birthday along with the annual school dance. I knew Adam said he was preoccupied when I asked him to the dance. But I remembered how he had casually promised he would be there with "Why would I miss this opportunity, girlfriend?".

I waited for four hours, glancing continuously towards the door, waiting for him to walk up to me and wish me. I hugged and danced with other people, still waiting. I just wanted to be alone by now. That's when Stewart came up to me and sighed, "Iris, trust me this once. He's lying."

"I know what I'm doing, Stew. He won't lie to me. I know him."

"You trust him too much. I warned you, Eddie." I brushed it off and continued drinking the sour punch.

The party ended and people exited the hall, and with every passing second, I was giving up on him. Grace hugged me and asked me to come back home.

I called him once I had locked the door to my room. He picked up and heaved like he had just run the marathon. I tried to overhear the faint breathing of another on the other side.

"Iris, hey. How was everything?"

"Great. I missed you." The sinking feeling had settled in by then.

"I know, I was a bit caught up."

I took a minute to level my breathing and tried to keep the tears at bay.

"Tell me, Adam."

"Tell you what, pumpkin?"

"That they're lying. Tell me it's a prank."

"I don't understand?"

"You do, Adam. You do." And I let my world shatter.

"Hey, hey, Iris. No. It's not like that."

"I trusted you."

The line went silent. And my world grew darker.

"It started before our first year anniversary." He said quietly.

I cried loudly and settled against my door frame, wanting the earth to swallow me whole. I didn't have it in me to say anything further and I knew this was it.

"Tell me one last thing, was it ever true?"

"Yes."

"I don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"Iris, we can still be friends."

"Remember me, Adam."

I hung up and my entire body was shaking.

I cried until I fell asleep on the bathroom floor and when I woke up, I cried again. It was something to be lied to and it was something else to be broken by someone you trusted your life with. I had loved him unconditionally and attached every aspect of life to him. That was where I was wrong.

Everything that I did in the months that followed, his memories ate away at me. It was easy to laugh it off and it was easy to say he was a mistake, but it was never easy to accept that I would never be the same again.

Hand written notes, paint fights and shared laughter. Library meets, lunch breaks and winter carnivals. Lies, facades and cover ups. Pain, heartache and tears.

They say you can never forget you first love, and I could only then hope they were wrong.

~~~

please don't tell me it's cliché

because it hurts just the same

love, sirrah.