Touch & Go

20. Not About Angels

Epilogue. THIS IS HOW IT ENDS.

Dedicated to everyone who's learning to cope with pain and loss.

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" 'Cause what about angels?

They will come, they will go, make us special."

- Birdy, Not About Angels

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The winter of 2020

It was hard.

I had lived with the absence of Theodore before, but this time, it was different. This time I knew he wouldn't come back. This time I couldn't cling onto hope and spend days thinking about the 'what ifs'. From now on, it was just me. Theodore had gone to a better place.

I remember sleek black cars lined up by the roadside. The people grieving and sobbing. I didn't talk to any of them. I had stayed with Theo's mother. We talked of Theo instead. We didn't cry. Because the only people who seemed to be crying around us were imposters. They were dressed in pretense and their words were as flimsy as their stance.

I knew though, that his mother had cried behind closed doors until her eyes had gotten red and puffy. Just like I had. I knew that she was hurting inside. Just like I was. But the both of us didn't speak of it. The knowledge of each other's pain was the only consolation.

I didn't speak at his funeral. I didn't want to. No eulogy could be great enough for Theodore. It would have been unfair to the both of us. But maybe I was just selfish. Maybe I wanted to keep all his memories, his smiles, his tears to myself.

His was a closed casket. And that was a reminder of how he had suffered.

I knew I'd never be the same again. He had come out of blue, gone just the same. His was a grand act. The entry and exit were unexpected, but great nonetheless. His life was full of struggles. His struggle to accept his father didn't care. His struggle to try and help his mother. His struggle to correct what he had wronged. His struggle to be himself.

Theo loved. He loved unconditionally. And it was my privilege to love him the same. I was thankful for what I had left of him. All that I had was all that I'll ever need. I didn't complain and I didn't regret. My lips stuttered and my eyes watered when I spoke of him but never once did I wish I had more time with him. He'd given me enough for a lifetime.

And this was how our story went. We would come together and create everlasting memories. Then go away, only to come back again. There was no routine, there was no pattern. Our story had ended where it started. Fate had played us. Fate always did.

It had broken my heart all over again when his mother told me of their last meeting. He had asked for their family ring and her blessing. He had kissed her forehead before leaving and said he loved her.

The doctors had told Adam how he'd laughed when we was being brought into the ER. How his eyes wouldn't stop tearing up and how he smiled while they told him to hang on. He'd said he should have expected it. That this day had always brought something unforeseen. His last words had been somewhere along the lines of "so this is how it ends, doc?"

A bubbled laugh, albeit sad, left my lips. That poetic idiot. My idiot.

Theodore Edward Knight was like a comet. He had collided into my life head-first. Brought light and warmth with him. After a while, he would go away to orbit great lengths and then come back to me. But one day, he was gone forever. Just like that. Tailed out of my life, leaving behind a trail of memories.

He was my wish.

I looked at the stars above. I remember how Grace always told me of them when we were younger. Of how every star was an angel that had died and how God would make the best of them shine the brightest.

I miss you, Theo. So much.

I wiped the tear that fell on my cheek and smiled at the brightest star in the night sky.

"Lumière, darling."

~~~

Started- 1st of January, 2016

Ended- 1st of July, 2016