Touch & Go

19. All I Want

I'm sorry. I truly am.

~~~

"But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"

- Kodaline, All I Want

~~~

December 31st, 2018

Shattered. Broken. Numb.

I was dead inside. Everything in me fell apart. My body rendered insensitive and I lost sense of being. Sobs echoed through the corridors, maybe they were mine, maybe they weren't. Amidst the torpedo of chaos, it physically hurt to have a broken heart that refused to beat.

The silence pierced through my ears. If only I would focus, maybe I'd be able to hear the faint shouts of Adam from the other end of the corridor. My legs trembled and my lips quivered as tears continued to fall from my swollen eyes. Five minutes to New Year's. I hummed a tune with a hoarse throat, not knowing how.

C'mon, skinny love, just last the year.

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

Tears fell on my already drenched shirt, the cold soaking me to the bones.

I replayed that one phone call in my head over and over again as I sat on the cold hospital floor.

~~~

"Iris?! Thank god you picked up! Where are you-"

"Adam? Calm down. I just landed in London. Where's Theo-"

"Iris, Iris, Theo... Iris, he... Can you make it to St. Laurent's Hospital in fifteen?"

"Yes, why? Adam, what's wrong?! Where's Theo?! Adam?!"

"..."

"Answer me, god damn it!"

"He's in surgery. Iris, you need to come here. He's been in a car crash"

"The streets are jammed, Adam, stay on the line!"

"I don't know what to do. Iris, I'm scared."

"It'll be okay. He'll be okay."

"He was covered in blood, his head... He was coming back from seeing his mother. The police say a deer came out of nowhere and when he steered away, his car swerved uncontrollably, falling down the valley. Iris. Iris, he needs you."

"No. No, Adam, don't say it that way. He's a fighter."

"I know, god, I know. Wait. The doctors are here. Hold on."

The silence on the other end was deafening. Minutes passed by as I anxiously clung to the phone in the back of the cab. The cars around me honked continuously, stuck in an endless traffic jam.

"Iris. Oh lord, Iris."

"Tell me he's okay." I whispered with my eyes shut, everything in me was tearing at the seams.

"Iris."

"..."

"He didn't make it through."

And just like that, I didn't want to live anymore.

~~~

There's only so much we can do.

Sirrah.