Touch & Go

14. State of Grace

This chapter is dedicated to foreversmilin because Mailboy and Artgirl leave me speechless. #Hunter&Forrest. Thank you :)

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"You're my Achilles heel."

- Taylor Swift, State of Grace

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December 31st, 2016

NUMB. Broken. Torn. Lost.

"Mother called again. Iris, father needs us." Grace looked exhausted.

I nodded. There was no room for argument. I knew we had to move back. I texted Theo and pocketed my phone. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

Meet me at my place @ 6?

'course. It's New Year's Eve. You okay?

I couldn't reply. Because I wasn't okay. He knew I wasn't okay. I went into my room to pack my clothes and books.I decided to start with the 1,365 novels I owned. I stood on my toes to them novels in cardboard boxes, failing to bring them down safely. They landed one by one, scattering across the floor. Frustration raked through me and I shouted with my fists clenched.

Grace entered the room; she looked at the mess and then back at me. Her gaze softened and she beckoned me over. I went over to her as she sat on the bed, with her back pressed against the headboard. I lay down on the mattress, among the disbanded clothes, and nestled my head in her lap. She slowly raked her fingers through my hair, looking at me with a sad smile.

"I know it will be alright. It always gets better. I'm just hoping it doesn't hurt that much." She nodded and kissed the top of my head. I don't know how she was always so calm, even in times like these.

The bell rang and she went downstairs to get the door, letting my head rest on a pillow. I hid my face in the pillow, hoping this was all a bad dream.

The door opened to reveal Theo. I instantly sat up straight, tidying my hair. He looked around at the mess that surrounded and then at the half-filled cardboard boxes, realizing what was happening.

"So," he paused, looking for the words, swallowing them, mulling them over, "you're moving back?" he tried to sound casual. Keyword: tried.

"Dad was in an accident. Spinal cord injury. Fatal." Words tumbled out of my mouth, I didn't know how to form coherent sentences.

"Will he be alright?" his eyes were fearful, his hands holding onto the edge of the bed.

My eyes looked down at the carpeted floor. He knew the answer. I couldn't say it out loud.

"Paralysis."

We stood in our places and let it sink in. The realization hit me like tow truck. My father was in a place from where he couldn't return. And no matter how much we prayed for him, he wouldn't get any better. It was out of our hands, and what was worse was that it was out of his hands too; he was always one for control.

~~~

The evening found us seated on a bench in the park, with my head on his shoulder and our hands intertwined. I knew I had to let it all out.

"This is what's supposed to happen. Right when you think you've found the place you were always looking for, you're forced away from it. All we ever want is to hold on. Be together forever. Love unconditionally. Be carefree. But all we are is selfish, confused, wary and uncertain. We want everything to be perfect. Even when we know it hardly ever is.

"Time changes people. I know when I see you again, we won't be Theo and Irie anymore; we would be two entirely different people. We might look at each other and smile but on the inside, we would be asking ourselves who we truly are now. Whether I still like to leave the nightlight on and if you still hate nuts in chocolate bars. If I still sing when it's raining and whether you still watch that Disney movie when you're alone. We'd probably greet each other ask how our families are doing, but all we would want to know is if we are still in love. We would know we're not. And yet we will desperately try to convince ourselves otherwise.

"But the truth will remain. We would have moved on. It will be hard and it will hurt. But after a while, time will wrap itself around our wounds and heal them. We will wish we still had each other to kiss and tell us it will be alright. We will cry in bathrooms at parties and drown in nostalgia when our song comes up on the radio. I will dance with mascara tears and you will drink till you forget my name. Theo, we will fall apart. Life isn't about holding on, it's about letting go.

"All we ever do is touch-and go."

He kept looking deep into my orbs. Holding onto each word; slowly, carefully. Finally, he took my hand and held it over his heart. I could feel every beat of his heart. He inched closer and used his other hand to cup my face. Bringing his lips to mine, he gently kissed me. My eyes closed on their own accord and I held onto him; only for the moment.

His lips told mine they loved me, they wanted me to stay but they would let me go. Mine stuttered and shivered, but said they would miss him and that I loved him too; truly, deeply.

We cried and we laughed. We stayed silent and we kissed. We held on and we let go.

~~~

As we stood in front of my doorway, staring into each other's eyes, we knew this was the last of us for an indefinite time period.

"I will wait for you." He smiled genuinely at me with sadness dripping from his eyes.

"Don't." I smiled back, albeit sadly. Closing the door, I wiped the tears and headed inside.

Time had asked fate to bring him into my life this very day last year when I didn't see him coming. And then time had to repeat its cycle, so it asked fate to take me away from him, when I least expected it.

Happiness was momentary. And we knew our moment was over.

~~~

I'm sorry, everybody.

Unexpected are the situations we are put in.

don't lose hope.

love, sirrah.