Here's a sneak peak of my new book, I'm not sure what to title it.. maybe comment a suggestion when you're done reading ((:
Tony, you were always one of my favorite people. I don't really remember much about you but I remember dancing outside in the cold dark night with only the street lights to guide us, I also remember alcohol being a huge part of your life...as was I, and you were a big part of mine.
I can also remember when you saved my life.. now I think it's my turn to save yours. my dad keeps telling me to give up on you but I can't do that... everyone has already gave up on me.. he says all your other family members have tried to help you but they don't understand depression like I do..I can help! and this is the only thing I'm confident in.. I just know that I can do it.
I was told that you still have a problem when it comes to drinking. you have gotten so frail and skinny and you look much older than you are. I wanna find you and hug you..but I don't wanna break your fragile shell of a body. what or who did this to you? I know I am too young to understand but I want to understand you and figure you out. And I wouldn't blame you for drinking so much... I wouldn't want to be sober either, especially with this society.
I want us to be close again, how we were before. I don't want us to be strangers, like my moms side of the family and I. They don't listen. They think I'm just some stupid little girl.. And maybe I am. But I have learned so much from my 15 years of existing. I know that this life is just a distraction from death. I always felt like life is just a book to the never ending sequel of life. I believe that your life is a book. Suicide is the cliff hanger, and your mistakes are nothing more than eraser smudges. I also believe that your book has become wilted and destroyed over the years, that you came across people in your life that skimmed through it, that tore pages out, that took a glance at your title and threw it away. But you will find the one person in your life that will not only read it word for word, but they will annotate... They might even give it a new cover or finish it.
I believed I found the one. No, it's not what you think. I thought what him and I had was love..he stole so many days from my life... I feel like I'm going insane! My moms family.. They are some of the reason why I don't want to be around. I feel as if my 'home' is a prison... I can't escape this and I feel like no one can hear me scream for help. I have tried my best to stay away from drugs but I honesty don't feel like the sober life is for me. I need your advice.. What do you think I should do? Anyways, I love you and say hi to everyone for me... if you can. I heard your family quit on you and know your sister won't tell any of us where she lives. I miss you all so much.
every time I smell alcohol, I smile but tears come to my eyes. the smell reminds me of you, but then I think back to all the times you nearly sided because of the horrid substance. I can remember smelling corona and laughing because of the time when my dad and I were at your friend Jessie's house. your other friend Ramon came over with two black guys and demanded for you to give him money you owed him. he forgot he spent it on weed.. he took a screwdriver from the small coffee table and shanked you in the leg. Jessie looked over at the two black dudes, reached out and nervously said "you want some candy" as if he were talking to a five year old. they stabbed his hand with a fork.
I remember the hospital ride there I was in tears because I thought you were gone die you assured me by saying "don't worry babygirl I'm not gonna die. you see, if you wanna kill a lil fucker you get em in the fucken throat, maybe the gut or neck.. I won't be able to walk for a while but I'm aight." my dad laughed. I then looked over at Jessie and he had his bloody hand out the window. both of you turned out okay but on occasion, his hand twitches and spasms. haha, you moved in with Ramon a few years after..oh druggy friendships are quite something.
I know this is a big thing for me to ask of you but..please try to stay sober for a week. I know you can do this! I just really want you to stick around. I know life is hard, you just gotta keep swimming! Pretty soon, you'll find solid ground. I want you to be around for my wedding, I want you to have at least 34 more birthdays, I want you to find the one, I want to be at your wedding, I want you to live fully, it's much better than just existing. Fight off your demons! Don't try to cheat them, don't try to drown them... They know how to swim. Thanks for being the greatest uncle in the world! And don't tell Tino or Felix I said that because I love them too haha.
Also, don't ever let your heart get confused. Sometimes it wants to believe you have fallen in love when really it's just looking for closure or a way to fill the void. Don't chase after someone because one day, you'll find someone that's willing to chase after you. And by the way, don't let the voices or any pricks tell you what to do or who to be.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to write back to me or visit (just don't come to the front door, my mom's side are complete judge mental ass wipes!) you are one psychedelic trip haha, you be you because no one on earth can be youer than you. And sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, I'm a complete sobbing mess right now.. I'm actually thinking of becoming a writer, what do you think? Tell the family I said hi! I also want you guys to know that I love you all so much and don't worry, my mom's side will never take your place..you are my true family. I wish they were more like you all. And maybe I'll come visit soon! Another note, you will always be the número uno man in my life haha (besides my dad) stay golden..but yeah, and no matter what happens, I'll always be pilita (how ever you spell it.) I love you tio! And sorry for the Spanglish (:
PS// I'd love it if you'd write back. I honestly love writing letters..I wonder why people don't write to each other that much..it really is a shame.
