I am a dependent, a depressed, ungrateful, unwanted, undetermined, non-passionate, adolescent who seeks love, compassion, and exception. I am oh too sensitive and selfless. I crave attention and ambition..so when people leave me, when I am left behind..when people grow tired of me, it hurts me more than it should. it takes a toll on me and I almost feel like I am nothing without them.
when he left, I was a mixture of emotions. I thought I'd be better off six feet under...but that's not the case. he meant nothing to me, it's just--- I've been oh so desolate and empty.. I wanted something to fill the void. I desperately seeked for someone, anyone to hear me out, to breathe me, to show me they had some recollection that I was there.. you know?
all my life it's like I've been a ghost of myself and I've been running from my problems. I'm just a terrified little girl.. a stupid stupid little girl. I want someone to make me feel again. I want purpose and self worth. I need a euphoric emblem to possess such as a relationship. I want to be loved and appreciated. I am like a chubby kitten, seeking to find a warm place to call my own, for someone to pay attention to me and cuddle me.
I feel as if I found the one. when I looked into their eyes I feel this unknown notion.. this unrecognized yet much appreciated sense that makes me want to jump and scream and laugh. I feel like I have a reason to live.. I want to know if they feel it too, if they miss me too. I wonder if they can hear my heart beat.. I wonder if they can smell the reeking of desperation.. I don't even know.. I just feel like I've known them all my life, like I can tell them everything and they would understand and they wouldn't look at me differently.
I long to see them once more. before I go to sleep, I talk to them as if they were with me and when I wake up, I reach for them in my bed. I have this shirt I haven't washed, I just keep it on a hanger. but now it's time to toss it in the wash since it no longer possesses your sent. I remember the exact day I was wearing it..the first time we were alone. I wanted to hug you because of what you told me about your depression. I remember rolling up my sleeves and showing you my scars. there was no shame or embarrassment in your eyes. you simply told me that I'd be okay, that time would heal me.
you make me feel like I'm finally living, not just breathing. you make me feel like a diamond, not like the speck of dust that I am.
I texted you a day later..well, my friend had to click send since I was so nervous. I then yelled at her for it.. you never replied. I haven't seen you since. I wonder if you're okay quite often, I think about you more than I think about dying and that--that is saying something. I talk about you 24/7 and it annoys my family. I want you to meet them.
but the last time I introduced a guy to my parents, it was a total mistake of a relationship and waste of my days. I have all the receipts from when we dated... I spent roughly $300+ on him. wow. I wrote him a letter or two each day we were together..that's more than I can count. but I know you're different. my parents will like you. and I know you will respect me and treat me better than he ever would've. it's times like this I regret not meeting you sooner. if I had gone to sunset in the beginning of freshman year, I would've met you first, I would've dated you first-- I would've been dating you still, that I am confident in. I am confident in us!
I don't wanna rely on anyone for happiness, but I would love for you to be the one to break me even more than I already am inside. you are worth everything to me. I wanna take a risk, take a chance on this. please let me love you. I know I can love you better than anyone can! for I am an optimistic, hopeless romantic. I wanna breathe you, maybe you can be the one to heal me. I know this is far too early for me to say this but.. I think I love you.
-Evelyn Quiroz | 11:11pm
