::Eva:: 5:00 am
I sat on the couch in Dr.England's office. I called her this morning because it was time I finally talked to someone.
She sighed deeply. "Come one Eva. We've been here since 3 , you have to give me something to work with."
"Tell me what you see when you look at me." I said to her.
"Okay this isn't how this usually goes but it's something. When I look at you hmm.... I see a woman who has obviously been through a lot but I can also tell you're strong because you fight and you don't give up. I see this beautiful woman who had potential to be great. The potential to perfect what's already perfect. You look like a girl who has it all, a big house, kids, a man who loves you-"
I cut her off. "See that's the problem everyone looks at me and sees this person that im not. Im not perfect and I don't have it all."
"So tell me who you are?"
"Im a scared little girl. I never had a chance to fully grow up. I became a mother in high school , I didn't get the chance to live life like all of my friends. You know today he said something so true about me. He said I'll sleep with any man that'll look at me."
"Tell me why that bothered you."
"In some ways its true. I slept with August because he was the first boy to show me any real attention. Jacquees because after my break up with August he was there for me. And Chris because he's here for me now."
"Eva in some aspects of life you had to grow up quick but i other aspects your still a child who's still trying to find herself and honey there is nothing wrong with that. Tell me something else when you get up every morning you look in the mirror. What do you see?"
"A failure...."
"Failure? How come?"
"I failed at being a daughter and a friend. I let everyone who ever had faith in me down. I let myself down and most of all I failed at being a mother."
"Eva, No you didn't. See the beautiful thing about having kids is they see the good in mommy. They don't pay attention to the bad things you do but only the good in you. They don't care how much you mess up because your second chance is always your first chance. From what I've seen and what I've learned you've given everything to your kids so don't let this one tragedy that wasn't even your fault have you thinking that you were a failure because you aren't."
I nodded taking in everything she said.
"Now lets come up with a list for you to do for homework. We're going to push start on a new start for you. The first thing is to let go of that home you are in. Too much bad has happened and its time for a new start, Leave everything behind in that house and just start fresh. Another thing is Eva sitting at home and only being a mother isn't good for you so what is it you love to do?"
"Dance."
"So go do that have something to look forward to in life. Next , I want you to sit down and have a conversation with everyone you think you failed with, whether its you mother or your dentist, talk to them and be honest. That's your homework for the week."
I faintly chuckled. "A lot to do."
"Yeah but I know you can do it." She laughed.
"I'll see you Friday at 5:00. Call me if you need anything. ANYTHING! okay?"
I nodded and stood up.
"I'm going to prescribe you some medicine for anxiety. Take this whenever you're over whelmed or nervous." She handed me a page from her prescription pad.
