Male Quirks and Female Foibles

A man's Blind Spot

Authors note: If you're new to Wattpad, please click on the star at the end of the chapter if you like what you read. That lets other readers and me know that you found it worth reading. You are allowed to leave comments. Authors always appreciate comments. I especially appreciate constructive criticism. Thanks for reading.

The story of creation as told in the Bible indicates that God made man before he did woman. His intent was for man to rule over the Garden of Eden, naming the animals and taking care of the garden. However, God soon decided that man should not be alone and decided to create a helpmate for him.

Having lived with a man as his helpmate for nigh on 45 years now, I can imagine what transpired in the garden. I'm sure the first day went something like this.

God made Adam and noted his creation was good. He instructed Adam on his duties as keeper of the garden and namer of the animals. Then He left Adam alone to carry out his assigned responsibilities while he checked out the rest of creation.

On returning to the garden, God decided to check in on Adam. He found Adam lounging in the shade of a tree.

"How's the naming going, Adam?" God asked.

"Well," Adam replied, "I named a few things. That little four-legged thing over there with the stubby nose and a squiggly tail, I called a cow, or was it a rhino, no, I think it was a pig. Yeah, that's it, a pig."

"I see," God said. "And what about the little furry one with the bushy tail that plays in the branches of the trees? What did you call it?"

Looking a little perplexed, Adam replied, "I'm not sure which one you're talking about, God. I don't think I saw any bushy-tailed creature."

With infinite patience, God replied, "See that little animal over there?"

As God pointed the animal started and darted up a tree.

"Oh," Adam said, "I didn't even see him!"

"If he'd a been a snake, he'd a bit you," God said in exasperation.

"A snake," Adam questioned, "Which one's a snake? How did you know I was going to name one a snake anyway?"

"I'm sure you'll figure out which animal to call a snake," God replied. "I was just hearing your thoughts, sorry. I didn't mean to jump ahead of you. I did give you the job, after all." Then skipping to another topic, God continued, "By the way, how are you coming with the plants? Have you figured out what you need to do to take care of them?"

"Well, I haven't really had much luck with the growing things." Pointing to a leafy plant, he said, "I tried eating that one - I believe it's a mustard. It kind of stuck to my tongue, and it was really tart."

"Did you try putting it in the warm water from the hot springs?" God asked. "Heating some plants makes them taste less bitter."

"Hey, that's a good idea," Adam said. "I didn't even think of that. If I drank some water, would it get that nasty taste out of my mouth?"

"I'm sure it would," God said. "Well, Adam, you had better get up from under that tree and start naming. You've got a lot left to do."

"Yeah," Adam said. "I don't suppose you want to stick around and bring me the animals one by one to name. Things would go a lot faster if I had someone to help - a sort of go for - you know."

God helped Adam for a while and then put him to sleep. He removed a rib from his side and created him a helpmate. After all, God couldn't stick around all day keeping Adam company. He couldn't take the time to point out things that were right in front of his face. And he certainly didn't have the time to remind Adam of what names he'd given the animals.

It's a good thing God created that helpmate for Adam and commanded men throughout time to seek out  helpmates for themselves. After all, who would organize society, cook, and keep track of important things to remember? And, most importantly, if they didn't have helpmates how would men find things that are right in front of their faces?

I have often considered resigning my job as helpmate after sending Wayne to the pantry to bring back a bottle of ketchup. It sounds like a pretty easy task, something anyone could do with alacrity. Alas, I forget that Wayne is a man, the creature who cannot find something staring him in the face.

I mean, ketchup is red. It is in a bottle that is taller than most of the cans in my pantry. I keep the pantry organized by kinds of food. It resides with the condiments. But if I want Wayne to come back with ketchup, detailed instructions on where to find it are insufficient. I usually shout instructions from the other room while he claims I'm mistaken and we are really out of ketchup. When I finally follow him into the pantry and reach over him to pick up the bottle of ketchup sitting in front of his nose, he says sheepishly, "I really didn't see that."

I guess men can only find things if you draw them a map or give directional instructions. Perhaps he would have found it had I told him it was on the second shelf from the top, on the east end, beside the Mayo and diagonal to the spices. But maybe not, it was in his blind spot, the one directly in front of his nose.

One weekend, we were having a workday at our church. Wayne decided to fix himself some Frito pie with the ingredients sitting around. After looking perplexed for a minute, he asked where the cardboard containers were to put the food in. They, of course, were sitting right in front of his face.

After pointing to the containers, I borrowed a phrase coined by God in the garden with Adam. I said what all women say to men from time to time, "If it was a snake, it would have bit you."