Long Distance Call | tayley ✓

16 | I Screwed Up

[Taylor]

I spend the whole damn day thinking about my actions. Did I creep her out? Probably. Maybe just a little bit. But what if I didn't, and she likes me back? I mean, I did see her tweet from the other day. But finding someone's appearance attractive isn't nearly as meaningful as really falling for someone.

I'm being cheesy, aren't I?

What if she doesn't want to talk to me? I'm so awkward, I had to word it like that.

—

Not having the guts to reach out to her, she's the one who puts my nerves at ease after reaching out to me at almost 1 PM the following day. So, like, 8 AM her time. I'm rarely awake at that time, so I don't know how she's doing it.

Hayley🌈: Hey Taylor. Sorry I had to leave so suddenly yesterday. My mom had to talk to me and then I was pretty busy for the remainder of the day. How was your day yesterday?

Taylor: Heyyy. Yesterday was pretty boring. How about for you?

God, this small talk is killing me.

Hayley🌈: It was pretty good.

I don't think this conversation could get much worse. Should I bring up what I'd said yesterday before the call had ended? Maybe she didn't hear me? Fuck it.

Taylor: Can I call you? Or FaceTime, but I sort of look like shit right now. Can I talk to you on the phone?

After a few seconds, the little text bubble with three circles within it appears, showing she's currently typing.

Hayley🌈: Sure!

With a sigh, I choose the call option. After maybe two or three rings, the phone's picked up.

"Hey, Tay," she says in that beautiful voice of hers, that's enough to make me melt. I smile over her sweet voice, almost forgetting the fact that I need to do that thing that makes phone calls work; talk. There's a silence between us, which I fill.

"Hey. Hey. Hey Hay," I say with a laugh, and instantly realize that all I'm doing is embarrassing myself now. Fuck. I roll my eyes at myself. Good job, Taylor.

She laughs, but everything in me can just tell that it's fake. I'm pretty good at detecting phony laughter. At least she's trying to make me feel like I'm not the biggest loser in the world.

"Why did you want to talk about?" she asks. Oh yes, that reminds me that I need to discuss all that.

"Just...what I said last night. Or just yesterday, for you. It was night for me, but it wa-- okay, that's not important. What I said about liking you. I didn't mean it, y'know. It didn't really mean anything." The second those words pass my lips, I know I fucked up. How do I fix this? Fuck. A silence fills the call, for a moment. I part my lips, about to speak. But I don't know what to say.

"Oh, okay. That's cool," she speaks, not sounding too happy about what I've just said. It's not like I blame her. When you tell someone that you didn't mean something like that, it's a bit difficult to fix it. Especially when you're like me and have difficulty actually speaking at all. Writing my feelings down and being able to edit what I'm saying, I'm not so bad with. But, of course, like I said, I have a chance to go over my words when I do that. I always manage to fuck up in moments like these.

"Hayley, I--" I start, but I'm cut off by her.

"Bye," is all she says before the call is ended. She didn't want to hear anymore of what I had to say, understandably so. I wouldn't want to hear it if someone were to say that to me.

So now, great, I'm alone, with my thoughts. My thoughts seem to always get the worst of me. They're my worst enemy. Because I can't fight them off, as hard as I try. And nobody is ever there to help me defeat the demons within me.

Hayley understood me, y'know? She understood me, and made me feel important. It's crazy how we were speaking for just a few days and I already felt as though I could trust her during my darkest times. Yeah, I think of Jeremy as my best friend. But there's still some things I could never tell him.

Speaking of, I haven't spoken to him since yesterday, and him and I didn't even speak much during that conversation. Now I really have to reach out to him.

Taylor: Jermy. I did a thing. A bad thing.

Germy: What did you do now?

Taylor: Okay well remember that girl Hayley I had talked about? Yesterday, I FaceTimed with her and then said I liked her and then I was talking to her on the phone a few minutes ago and said I didn't feel that way and idontknowwhattodo.

My mind is spinning with so many thoughts, that even really pausing for proper punctuation is too much for me to handle.

Germy: Okay, don't text her or anything immediately. Give her time to think and then after a day or a few days, text her. Because then she'll be reminded that you haven't forgotten about her.

If you couldn't already tell, Jeremy isn't so great with the girls. Not with actual relationships, at least. The longest relationship he's ever been in lasted a week and a half. But some girls still sleep with him, though, because they know he's not in it for more than just a round of sex. Some people want just one night, but it's when they constantly sleep with each other and the other person catches feelings, that's when it gets ugly. I'd help him out, but I don't have much more of a clue than him.

Taylor: Thanks, Jerm. I'll let you know if anything else happens.

Anything else happening. Yeah, right. Unlikely. I can't blame her if she doesn't want to speak to me for a little while, though. Maybe I should give her some space, that would probably be best. I don't want to annoy her, because I can imagine she's not too happy with me right now.

Whatever, I decide. Maybe I need some time to myself anyway. I'm meeting with some people of my future team to try and work out contract details. Our season doesn't start for a while, but we still have to work out a possible contract, have that approved by some people higher up, and then some time next month I'll be officially signing.

And then, I'll truly be able to call myself a professional. Hopefully, things will start to look up.