Living In A Godless World

Lose My Soul

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I had to write this essay for English class about a difficult decision.  Here's what came of it.  This story was actually stolen and read by the person it was about... (Payton). Awkward, right? My teacher was helping this kid at his desk and accidentally left the paper there.  He read it and let Payton read it, too.  She's in the class.  She laughed at it and texted me about it wondering why I was bringing up the issue again. But she still doesn't understand that I thought the story was private and I wasn't bringing up anything on purpose. Then she told everyone about it even though this story was personal to me. But, God has a reason for everything... so I hope you like it :)

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“Fly to Jesus...Fly to Jesus...Fly to Jesus, and live.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks.

I was laying facedown in my Pillow Pet on my giant bed. I’d just finished doing my nightly devotions, and I had the radio on quietly as I drifted off to sleep. As a slow hymn came on, I couldn’t stop the flow of tears. I knew what I had to do. 

- 3 days earlier -

Artillery shells burst into colorful flowers of sparks in the hazy sky. Smoke hung in the air, turning my hair into a frizzy mess. I breathed in deeply, smiling at the memories of bonfires, explosions, good food, and family that came with the aroma of fireworks.

My friend Payton had invited me over for the 4th of July. I was excited to blow off some fireworks and have a good time. “Go pick a song!” Payton exclaimed, and I barreled over to her iTouch. As I scrolled through her music, my smile quickly evaporated. I couldn’t find a single song that didn’t have to do with sex, parties or alcohol. I finally settled on “Forget You,” and soon discovered, to my dismay, that it was the uncensored version. Trying to forget about the music, I walked over to where Payton and Ali were talking.

“I can’t wait for the Nightstorm party!” Payton exploded.

“I wanna go!” Ali replied. “Who else is going?”

“Kenzie and Gabby!” Payton gasped in excitement. “You should come too, Haley!” she added, turning to me. 

I froze, appalled that they would even consider going to that kind of party. “Won’t it just be grinding for two hours?” I muttered, disgusted.

“Yeah,” Payton grinned. 

“Not my style,” I said, unable to look at her. The pressure was immense, and I couldn’t help but consider accepting her offer. What could one little party do? I shook my head. What was I thinking? They quickly turned around and ignored me, and resumed their discussion about Nightstorm. 

I shook my head and retreated to the firework pile. I sat down and rolled a sparkler between my fingers idly. I considered the past week I’d spent at church camp. It had been one of the best weeks of my life. I’d grown so much closer to God, and gotten a reality check. I’d accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior in 7th grade, but I stopped going to youth group and didn’t have any Christian friends. Slowly I started going downhill. I thought of my closest friends at the time, Payton and Kenzie. Kenzie constantly had five or six guys she talked to and flirted with. They all seemed to think they were dating her, even though her “real” relationship was with a kid from her bowling team. Payton and Kenzie loved things like Nightstorm, cussing, and making out. How could I have been friends with them and lived life this way for so long? It was the first time I’d realized I had never been truly happy without God in my life. It was time to make a change. I glanced back at Payton and Alison, still chatting about how fun grinding was going to be. I sighed. 

It was going to be a long night.

A few hours later, Payton’s mom was driving Alison and I home. Payton was blaring a song talking about sex and getting wasted. I could barely stand it. Ali’s head bounced with the beat as I gripped the door handle so tight my knuckles turned white. It seemed like an eternity until the car pulled up at my house, and I blasted out of the car so fast I forgot to say goodbye. I raced upstairs and fell to my knees, crying out to God. 

Two days later, I texted my friend Summer.

To: Summer

From: Haley

I cant hang out with kenzie & payton anymore. they were trying 

2 get me to go to nitestorm. wat should i do?

She had gotten saved a few nights before, and we were both overflowing with excitement about her new faith. I was exhilarated to have a Christian friend going into my sophomore year, and she was so joyful that she’d finally discovered the truth. 

She told me that she would tell them she didn’t want to be friends with them anymore if I did. I had never been rude or mean unless it was extremely necessary, so I struggled to hit the “send” button when I had the message typed out. I had prayed heavily the night before, asking God to give me wisdom about the situation. I believed this was the right thing to do. Before I had time to think about it again, the message was sent. 

Payton replied first. She wanted to know what I was talking about. I explained how I’d prioritized my life and rediscovered Jesus Christ. I told her I wanted to live a life honoring the God I loved so much, and that hanging out with her made that harder for me. I said I was being influenced to do things I didn’t want to, and that she was still welcome to come to church with me anytime and that I’d still talk to her at school. As I expected, she didn’t understand at all... she believed that she wasn’t religious enough for me, and from that day forward she completely ignored me. 

All Kenzie said was “oh...” so I wasn’t sure if she cared or not... but she later posted the whole thing on Facebook. As I read the post, I shook my head sadly. She didn’t get it either. 

I’m proud to say that, through it all, I’ve found my true friends. Summer and I have grown close through our love for Jesus Christ, and I haven’t regretted my decision to end those friendships for a second. I haven’t forgotten Payton and Kenzie, though. I still pray for them every night. My only hope is that someday we will all be together in heaven, praising the Lord of all, the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, forever.