Ready To Explode

Friendships ~ Crushes

I hate crushes sometimes. Like really hate them. Whenever I have a crush on a guy I usually have this switch in my brain that makes me a walking idiot. I can't propose proper sentences, I come on a little too strong, I'm very fidgety and I just ramble on and on.

Most of the crushes I've had in the past ended terrible. The guys would kinda just turn into jerks, and they just would ignore me whenever they found out I liked them. I hated it.

With me, if I like a guy, yes I like them as more than a friend. But I don't always necessarily want to date them. I still have a full 100% interest in staying their friend. Because I usually like a guy after a set friendship had been created. I don't really believe in 'love at first sight' so some sort of relationship has had to be made for me to like some- platonically or otherwise.

And usually, whenever said boy finds out my feelings for him are stronger than his feelings are for me, he usually avoids me for a bit or just shuts me out. I don't know what they'll get from accomplishing this, but all I get is a load of trust issues and a crappy feeling.

Recently, the guy I do like- we'll call him Vans -found out that I like him. And he's been acting really weird about it. He'll be kind of an asshole, and will sorta ignore me. His friends say that he's just nervous around me and doesn't want to believe I like him. But it still hurts because I like being his friend and I kinda miss him.

We would always make jokes in class, share food and tease each other, bond and stuff. But ever since this stupid crush happened, a crush I didn't even want by the way, we're not exactly the way we were before and it's making me kind of sad. Because oddly enough, Vans kind of makes me happy. The way he treats me and the way he makes me feel is different to the way other guys have. Especially when were alone, he's a lot nicer to me.

The conversations we've had where it was just the two of us, the jokes we would make, the banter we had with one another was different and we don't have that now and I miss it. I miss the stupid jokes, I miss the stupid insults we had, I miss our stupid friendship.

I miss him.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But I want to tell him how I feel about him ignoring me and stuff but maybe I'm just being too sensitive about this and I'm the problem. I just don't want to lose him as a friends because he's probably one of the nicest, most chill guy friends I have ever had.

I just don't know what to do, and it's making me kind of sad. That's why I agent updated often, so sorry about that. I'm just in a mood. But I'll try my best to get out of it. Writing is suppose to make me happy but right now it still feels like a burden. I have most of BOAL written, and Playing God + Broken Beauty planned out.

But yeah, that's just how I feel right now. Sorry if I bored you. Thanks got also reading this to the end. You guys are amazing. Byeee