Ready To Explode

I'm going insane

[LONG]

Okay, so this will be long and slightly boring, but I'm literally going to exploded(hence the title of this story) if I don't get this out of my system. I don't really care if you read to the end or not but I just want this said in some form of way, because it's eating me alive.

So there is one girl I've written about twice in this rant book so far. She's seen one of these rants before, so I dunno if she actually reads this or just stumbled across it one day. She was the girl who would reach out to me and things act awkward in person(I would act weird too by the way)

Recently, I've been seeing a lot of her lately. And I mean a lot of her. Last semester I only saw her for a period a day and sometimes at lunch(we've got mutual friends so that's why) but THIS semester I've had 3/4 classes with her. At first I was worried I'd have to talk to her and then things would get awkward. But after, like, a week of having her in my classes I didn't really care.

I've given a little recap on our friendship, but I feel like there are certain things I haven't exactly addressed. I've contemplated doing it, mainly because I feel like I'll be super biased and I'll accidentally make myself out to be the only victim(which isn't true at all. We both hurt each other and we were both wrong)

During our friendship we were pretty close - I mean really close. But that also seemed to be the root of our problems. The two of us met in grade nine and instantly became friends because we both liked 5SOS. In grade ten we were practically always with each other. We started calling each other "besties" way too early in the friendship.

This - how much we rushed our relationship - seemed to be what caused the problems in our friendship to me. Us, two girls who barely knew each other, were calling each other 'best friends' when we barely knew each other. We didn't let the friendship mould into what we made it be. It was forced.

We had a few fights(some over things as dumb as whether Calum was a fuckboy or not)mainly because our opinions were so different and we almost never saw eye to eye. Sometimes while debating, we'd get really mad at each other and then disregard each other's opinions completely.

There were times I'd say she was annoying me or that I didn't care if she disagreed with me. I'd say my opinion was my opinion and that what she had to say wouldn't affect it.

We'd sometimes tease each other, and the teasing would get too far and one of us would get hurt. We'd talk it out but we never actually did anything about it. We assumed that nothing like that would happen again.

One of the biggest things I didn't like about her(and what caused me to get angry at her)was how, although she was a really supportive friend, I felt she never actually listened to me.

When I told her about my depressive thoughts, yes she did provide a helping hand(something I should have appreciated more than I did)but she never kept it a secret. There was one friend she told and it always pissed me off.

Whenever I told her something sad, I'd say "don't tell anyone" and she'd tell another friend. I knew she was doing this because the other friend would ask me specific questions or always repeatedly asked me if I was feeling good.

I understand her situation of telling someone if she was deeply worried about me, but I would never say to her things that were outright alarming. Some of the things I told her to keep secret she could've kept secret, but she never did.

Whenever telling her a secret or something personal, 75% of the time it wasn't kept a secret. And whenever I tried confronting her, and her alone about my issues with her, she'd bring up the other girl.

It was a spiral of the same things happening in our friendship, and these things weren't good. Eventually(about a year ago exactly)we messaged each other. It was during one of our biggest fights. She had decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Although I disagreed with the decision greatly, I respected her wishes and backed off.

When second semester rolled around, we still avoided each other. In the one class we had with just us, we'd sit two desks apart and wouldn't talk, but when a partnered assignment was mentioned we'd pair up without even really asking each other. In that class, we've also been put together in groups.

Something would come up, like 5SOS for example. A mini conversation would spring, and then we'd go back to not speaking to each other.

We've had a few text messages(I've written about them before), one where(to me anyway)we spoke to each other as if we never stopped being friends. We fangirlled over 5SOS, talked about music and fanfiction. It was like nothing really change for those few hours.

Fast forward to right now. We're ok. I don't hate her anymore, or even really dislike her. She's kinda just there to me. Like, that kid you went to school with when you were younger but you weren't exactly friends with them. You know each other but you don't talk.

That's us.

Recently we've been kinda talking again. It's more so in big groups than smaller ones. Today in class she kinda sat next to me and we talked a bit in class today. It felt nice I guess.

There have also been times where we've had open class discussions and we've directly addressed each other and agreed with what the other was saying.

Things have been slowly becoming normal, but not exactly the same and I'm conflicted. I liked being her friend, and I really did care go her. But right now, in this moment, I'm okay that we're not friends. It doesn't bother me anymore and it doesn't hurt. I accepted a long time ago that a friendship probably isn't going to be in our future and that that's okay.

She just there in the world to me now and I've got no problem with it staying that way. But, I think I also don't have a problem if we slowly became comfortable around each other again. And I mean comfortable in the sense of how we used to be.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I have exams coming up in a few weeks and o just don't want to have this stuck on my mind. There are days where I miss her. But not to the point that I want to be her best friend again.

To the girl I'm writing about, if you read this, well. Now you know how I felt during our relationship. And you now know I feel about it now. Commenting on this won't change how I felt or how I saw things. I've stuck with these feelings for a long time and I don't think they'll really be changing. But, if you felt I'm being rude in the way I talked about you, please tell me. Because that wasn't my intention. I just can't keep this in anymore, it's going to drive me to insanity.

Sorry this was long, but if you've got advice, please tell me it. I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about it.

Thank you for reading this and everything else I write. I really do appreciate it. Well, I'm gonna go read a bit to clear my head more. This felt good to get off of my shoulders.

x Suad