Cause of Death {{PETERICK}}

//chapter nine//

Soon after making his promise to Patrick, Pete went back home. He didn't have any reason to, it wasn't like there was anyone waiting for him. Pete was just as lonely as Patrick, but he didn't have any friends, either. He'd spent his whole life with Mikey, and was completely unprepared to face the world without him. Pete wished he hadn't been so devoted to Mikey, the guy who he knew would eventually break his heart. His heart shouldn't have been broken when Mikey died, though, Pete would have hugely preferred to be rejected. He wouldn't take it that well, but at least Mikey, his best friend forever, would still be alive.

Pete didn't want to his mind to be totally occupied by Mikey anymore. He wanted to be able to focus on other things, and he knew Patrick wanted to help him with that. Pete couldn't feel anything but sorry for Patrick, he was trying his best, but it wasn't enough. All Pete really wanted was Mikey back, as much as he disliked it. It was even worse when he remembered how little good that would do him, Mikey was straight, and bringing him back to life wouldn't be able to change that.

That was why Pete was so willing to date Patrick, if he really wanted it. Nothing could change the fact that, dead or alive, Mikey was straight, and would never be interested in him. Patrick, on the other hand, was interested in Pete, as he was alive, gay and single. There was nothing Pete really disliked about Patrick, but he wasn't quite another Mikey. He didn't want to compare everyone he ever met to him, but he did, and he wasn't really ready to change it. He wanted to remember him, even if it was painful.

When Pete got back to his house he just slumped on the couch. It wasn't as comfortable as Patrick's, but he didn't want to get a new one. Pete felt like he'd never be able to replace any of his furniture, knowing that Mikey had been around all of it. He had to keep telling himself that this way of thinking was unhealthy, but he hadn't quite managed to convince himself of that yet. Pete knew it was wrong, he wasn't stupid, but he tended to be very irrational. He thought this was totally fine, for the most part, anyway.

Pete wasn't fine, and Pete wasn't thinking straight anymore. Somehow, spending an evening with Patrick had been enough of a distraction for him to forget how much he was struggling. He didn't want to be so dependant on other people, but, seeing as being with Patrick had made him feel so much better, he was tempted to go back over to his house. He said he didn't have any plans for today, so Pete was almost certain he wouldn't be causing Patrick any problems. He'd also said that he was always welcome, and this seemed like a good time to test that.

Pete didn't think Patrick's hospitality would need to be tested, but he still called first, to make himself sure that he wasn't interrupting anything.

"Hey, Pete," Patrick said, a questioning tone in his voice, "what's wrong?"
"I need to see you again," Pete said, "I know I only left a few minutes ago but... I don't think I should be by myself right now."
"I don't think you should, either. Are you okay? Are you on your way over here now?"
"I'm... I'm going to be fine now. I'm going to get going as soon as I put the phone down."
"I'll see you in a few minutes, Pete."

Pete hung up rather than responding. He knew Patrick wouldn't be too worried by that, or at least he hoped he wouldn't. Pete didn't know that much about Patrick, but, in a way, he didn't feel like he needed to. Patrick didn't seem like a difficult person to get to know, but that probably meant Pete was wrong. He was probably a lot more complex than he seemed. Not that being easy to get to know was bad, it just meant someone was easier to get to know. That was fine.

Pete got to Patrick's house again, knocked on the door, and was quickly welcomed inside again. Pete didn't know what he would be doing right now if he didn't have Patrick to go to, but he didn't want to think about it. He knew it would be something he would probably regret. He tried to get his mind away from that, but it wasn't working. That was why Pete had come back to Patrick, to let his mind clear itself, and to stop thinking so much.

"Are you okay, Pete?" Patrick asked, catching Pete's hands as he came through the door.
"I want to be," was Pete's answer, it was kind of vague, but Patrick knew what he meant, "but no, I'm not."

Patrick wanted to kiss Pete, but he felt like it wasn't the right time for that. It probably would have worked, but it wasn't the right time to test the theory. Instead, Patrick took a much more innocent approach, and pulled Pete into a hug, not dissimilar to the one they had shared the day before. Patrick could tell he'd shocked Pete slightly, because he didn't hug back right away, but he soon settled into it.

Patrick didn't want Pete to be shocked by any displays of affection, he wanted that to be a normal thing for him because he felt like Pete deserved them more than a lot of people. Patrick still wasn't sure why he liked him so much. It wasn't like he was a bad person, or physically unattractive, but Patrick didn't tend to like anyone quite this much, quite so quickly. It wasn't as if he didn't enjoy the feeling of having an actual crush for once, it just wasn't something he was used to.

"That was... nice," Pete mumbled, after Patrick had released him from their hug, "uh, yeah, thanks a lot. I feel much better now."
Patrick blushed slightly, and said, with a smile, "I'm glad, but what's really wrong, Pete? You were being too vague before."

Pete didn't want to have to explain everything to Patrick, he felt like he was just being a burden to him. However, he trusted Patrick enough to believe that, if he was asking, he really would want to know.

"I haven't been okay for a while now, Patrick," Pete sighed, "and you made me forget that... I got home, and I was by myself. All I could think about was Mikey, and I want to be over him, but I'm not. I scare myself... I could do anything to myself if I started feeling bad enough--"
"Don't hurt yourself," Patrick said, with a stern tone in his voice, "it doesn't help, I promise you."
Pete nodded quietly, "I promise. It's just hard by myself.
"I know, but you can't stay with me forever, you need to be able to deal with this yourself."

Pete knew that Patrick wouldn't always be there for him, but right now he really needed him to be.