Dreamer

Chapter 8: You Can't Escape The Thoughts Of What They Told You

I stared at my phone screen for what seemed an eternity. I could feel my throat creating the huge lump, and a blur of tears took over my sight. I tried so hard not to let them fall. I tried so hard to not make a single noise. As my first night staying with all the guys I surely didn't want to draw this kind of attention to myself, but before I knew it my diaphragm and voice pushed out a loud cry as the tears started the fall uncontrollably. I pulled my hand up to my mouth to muffle the noise, squeezing my eyes shut, and starting to rock myself back and forth. This can't be happening. This can't be happening!!! I let out another loud, but quieter than the first, cry. I was in so much shock I didn't know what to do, or how to even reply to the text message I had just gotten. I heard a knock on my door. I quickly started to try to wipe the tears away and collect myself when I saw Kevin peek his head through the door with caution. I didn't want to look up at him because I knew he would see the smeared make up. I tried to sniffle away the rest of the crud. "Patience... is everything okay? Why are you crying??" Before I could even lie and tell him I was okay I burst into tears releasing everything. Kevin swung the door open and ran to me taking me into his arms and rocking me. "Patience. Please tell me, what is it?? I promise you, I'm safe to talk to. Just please tell me what happened?" He unwrapped his arms from me and knelt down so that he could look up at me into my eyes. He wiped my tears and smeared makeup with his thumbs, although I was still hysterically crying. Then he glanced down at the phone in my hand. He tried to give me a look asking if it was okay for him to look, but when I gave him no response he took it out of my hand. He looked at the lit up screen for a few minutes before lightly tossing the phone on the bed and taking me into a tight embrace. "Oh my God Patience... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Patience." He started running his fingers through my tangled hair. I started to cry harder. My eye suddenly moved to the movement I saw at my door. Alix was standing there, still groggy. "What's going on?? Is she okay?" He asked Kevin. Kevin quietly motioned to Alix that I in fact, was not okay. Alix came and sat by me. "What happened??" I started to shake my head from side to side. "I'm so sorry-" I managed to choke out. "I didn't mean to wake you guys up. I promise I'm not trying to-" Kevin cut me off, "Patience, stop. You have every reason on Earth to be this upset right now. Don't apologize. We're here for you." I muttered the word "thank you" back to him before he said "Do you want to go get some ice cream? Or something? I know a lot of places that are open at this time." I could see Alix give him a serious stare. "Don't worry dude. I'm not going to try anything, she like... our little sister. You can come with us." Alix still looking serious, but clueless agreed.

Though I never really agreed to coming out, here I was, at 3 A.M., sitting in a Waffle House booth with Alix and Kevin. I was too upset to eat, so I just ordered some coffee. Coffee was always my number one friend in messed up situations. "Was... Was he your boyfriend?" Kevin asked me. I shook my head and looked down, "No... uhm, no. He was my uh- He was just a really good friend. He was like... 6 years older than me. He picked me up for school almost every day... He helped me get out of the house when it was possible..." I trailed off as tears started to form in my eyes again, with another lump in my throat. "He was the only one that had a way of getting Megan to treat me like I was a human being... without forcing it. He- He was so special and close to me." I had broken out into tears again. Kevin grabbed my hand, "I'm so sorry Patience." He started to rub his thumb over mine. Alix, not entirely knowing anything that happened, asked, "What happened to him??" I took my hand back from Kevin and wiped my eyes as I took in a deep, shaky breath. "At 2 this morning... I got a text message from his mother, telling me that he was in a violent automobile wreck. Some how... his seat belt snapped. He went flying through the windshield. He ended up under one of the cars... I don't want to go into detail..." I got choked up again, "Just know that he didn't even come close to making it..." And more tears came. Alix slid out of the booth and slid in on my side and put his arm around me. "Patience. We're here if you need us."

-

I woke up at 5:49 A.M. that morning. I had only gotten maybe 1.25 hours of sleep. I just found it hard to sleep. My heart felt so... broken and shattered. The weight of everything was so dark and heavy, and even in my sleep I could still feel the pain. I still cried. I still hurt. There was no escape for what I was feeling right now. I laid in bed and thought back to when my parents died. I blinked away the tears. "I wish they were still here..." I whispered to myself. I started to think of all the things that wouldn't have changed if they hadn't died. "Maybe if they were still here I wouldn't hate Megan as much as I do. Maybe Megan wouldn't treat me the way she does. Maybe she would still be 'Aunt Megan'. Maybe I wouldn't get bullied. Maybe I wouldn't hate myself as much as I do. Maybe I'd be homeschooled. Maybe I'd still feel like someone cared, like someone loved me. Maybe everything would be better for me..." My thoughts trailed off as I started to cry softly. I thought about these things a lot. And every time I did, it ended the same. I laid in bed for about an hour before I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand the darkness, the loneliness, the lack of sleep, the thoughts... I quietly got out of bed and went to knock on Evan's door. When nobody answered, which I really don't blame them, its only almost 7 A.M., I went to Kevin's door. It was already cracked and I could see a dim light shining out of it. I spoke softly "Kevin?". I asked. "Yes Patience? Are you okay?" he responded. "Can I come in??" I asked in an innocent tone. "Of course you can, what is it?" He answered. I slowly opened his door and sat on the edge of his bed with two small tears falling down my face. I sniffled quietly "I can't sleep... and... I just... I need somebody. I need somebody to hold me, and to not let me be alone right now." I told him. "I'm listening." He said, "What can I do to help you Patience??" He then asked me. I thought for a moment about whether or not I should say it, "Can... Can I just sleep in here? Like... With you? Can you hold me until I fall asleep? Please? I tried to knock on Evan's door... but I didn't want to wake him since nobody answered." Kevin looked at me for a moment, then set his sheet music aside. "Of course I can do that Patience. Come here." He motioned for me to move to the open space between him and the wall as he laid down and moved over. I started to make my way up the side of the bed. I laid down and faced the wall as I felt Kevin's arms wrap around me. He wasn't holding me too close, but he wasn't too distant either. It was just enough for me to feel safe and comfortable. I closed my eyes and within a matter of minutes, I drifted off.