Underestimate Me ⇝ anakin skywalker x reader {book 1}

30.

He shut the door behind him and walked over to me. He sat down next to me.

"Hey, talk to me." He said, pulling me closer. I rolled into his chest. He hardly had to do anything for me to start letting it all out. I began sobbing into him. He didn't say anything, he just sat there and rubbed my back as I held onto him.

This isn't how I should be, weak like this. I hated it. I know from what I've gone through most would be traumatized for life, but I've been trained for this. I've wanted this my whole life. But I never was taught how to deal with so much loss, for when you fail, for when everything seems too difficult for you to keep a balance on your emotions besides meditating. And I've meditated enough and I'm restless because meditating doesn't solve my problems like it does the others, it only makes me contemplate them longer and longer until they consume me.

Until all these little things pile onto my heart and mind till I burst into a million pieces. And now I'm left sitting here. Weighed down by all that I've been struggling to cope with my fears of inadequacy and jealousy of others.

Anakin started whispering sweet nothings in my ear. If I didn't have Anakin, I don't know where I'd be. I laid down in his lap as he rubbed my back. He didn't need to know why I was crying and that's what made this so easy. He just let me cry. I had never had someone be so calming to me. We seem like such an unlikely pair to calm each other but we do.

"It's okay.." He whispered, pulling a strand of hair away from my face.

"But it's not okay." I huffed. I couldn't help but feel like a little kid. That's how I was treated by the council anyway. He shushed me.

"What's wrong? Tell me." He asked me, "Maybe I can help. I don't want you to be sad."

"Neither do I." I said, lifting my head from his lap and I wiped a tear away, he wiped under the other eye.

"I'm sorry. I don't want you to see me like this." I laughed at myself, trying to take deep breaths.

"Hey, hey, no. It's good for me to see you like this." He smiled at me, "I've fallen in love with you even more. It's incredible. Even when your crying your still the most beautiful girl I've ever known."

"Your so sweet to me. It's just so unfair. Master Windu told me I was trouble. That I was a risk to take on, and he's right. I know that he's right. All I keep doing is failing everything and everyone around me. Maybe I would be better off not apart of the Order. I'd be less trouble to the fleet, Master Windu, you.." I choked over my words, tears threatening to fall again.

"Don't, (Y/N). You know that's not the answer to this." He said, "You just helped destroy a droid warship! You're not trouble, you help."

"I wouldn't have risked your guys' lives doing that if I hadn't made the mistake of coming here. I'm not strong enough to do this both in the force and emotionally. I've needed something more. If I didn't have you, Anakin... I don't know where I'd be." I squeezed his hand.

"(Y/N), you're one of the strongest people I've ever met. You're incredibly strong in the force, that's why, they're scared to teach you, they did the same thing to me. You were able to use the force as a child with no training to hold a boy against a wall. You must be trained to use the force wisely." He squeezed back, "Trust me, I understand wanting to leave the Order. But you can't. For me, this is something we need to do together."

I put my head on his shoulder and we intertwined our hands. I felt our ship jump to hyperspace, we would soon be in Coruscant again.

"You're the only person I trust now." I muttered.

"The Order is our family." He defended them, I expected that. "In time you'll learn to trust them, too."

Anakin has always had a love for the idea behind the Jedi order. To be selfless and help others, I share this belief. I believe the Jedi are good but theres so much more I feel like they aren't giving me. It was like they wanted me to leave. I never understood why. Why they kept things from me. My Master was the second most powerful Jedi on the council and he held things back from me. I couldn't understand why this would happen.

I looked up at Anakin, he was my shining light. He was everything to me. He never held things back from me. He's understood me more than anyone else. He had his flaws surely, he's not perfect. But to me he is. He fits into me perfectly. He has the courage I don't sometimes, he has the calmness I don't at times, and he's not afraid to argue for what he believes. He believes in helping those who can't help themselves. I put my chin on his shoulder.

"You're going to be okay, I would never let anything bad happen to you." He whispers, keeping the hair away from my face.

"How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?" I smiled at him, I must look like a maniac with my eyes puffy and red, my cheeks stained in tears. Yet still he kissed me. He wasn't grossed out, all he wanted to know was why I was upset and help me. He had matured so much.

"Something else is troubling you?" He narrowed his eyes, releasing his kiss. He stared at me, how could he know something else was the matter with me when I didn't know anything was wrong?

"I-I don't know." I said, my heart beat slowing down finally. "I just wish I didn't have as many fears as I do. I know it's the path to the dark side, I must stay away from them."

"It's normal to have fears, (Y/N). They're normal emotions, like love. The important thing is you know how to not let them consume you. That when the time comes you can concur them." He told me.

"I feel like Ahsoka." I rolled my eyes playfully at his advice.

"I hope not," he chuckled, "I definitely don't kiss Ahsoka when I tell her advice."

"I would hope not." I rose an eyebrow.

"Of course not, my love." He gave me a quick kiss on my nose to assure me.

"Something is bothering me." I admitted, after a moment.

"What is it? You can tell me." He said turning to face me on the floor.

"It's just- how is this going to last?" I asked, "This will be so hard to maintain with all of this war and craziness and what if you are to meet another woman when not with me-"

"That would never happen. No one else is out there for me besides you, I know it." He held both of my hands, "It's indescribable this hold you have on me, even if you are to leave I would still harbor these feelings for you-" he was caught off by the ship shaking. We fell towards the side of the ship.

Immediately I got up and went to the door, not bothering to cover my tear stained cheeks to ask a crew member what was happening.

"Our ship is under attack!" He exclaimed.

"By who?" I asked.

"An unmarked ship! We believe it's pirates!" He said, and ran to the main bridge. I felt like a knife had been twisted deep in my stomach.

This couldn't be happening.