If We Just Lay Here // Dan Howell

Chapter 35

YOUR POV

You finish unpacking and you just lay on the bed, thinking about the future. For now, this place is your home. You'll probably never go back to London and see Dan and Phil ever again. You won't see them at all. You won't wake up every morning in Dan's bed or your own. Normally, you would wake up and see Dan the minute you do, but from this point onwards in your life, you'll never do that again. Oddly, you don't feel like crying anymore either. It's like your body can't take the tears and emotional pain anymore that it's chosen to give up and bottle it up.

You guess that you have to now.

For you Mum's sake, you have to spend her last month with her and after then, you have no plans. It's a clean slate. You can do anything. Anything but go back to London. You couldn't face it. You sit up from the bed and look out the window, sighing at the view ahead.

It's so different compared to London. You'll have to get used to it as this is most likely your home for a while now.

"(y/n)?" Margaret says, opening the door slightly.

"Oh yes" You reply, standing up from your bed.

"Are you ready to see your Mother?"

You nod and Margaret escorts you out the door and through the hall, to another room. She opens the door and you see a frail lady laying under the floral sheets of the bed.

"Mum?" You ask, walking towards the bed slowly.

The lady turns over and smiles weakly at you. She has aged so much that's it's scary but you are still able to identify her features clearly.

"My dear (y/n)" She smiles, holding her hand out.

You grasp onto her hand and sit on the edge of the bed next to her.

"I'm sorry Mum" You tell her, dropping your head in shame.

"Sorry?" your Mum croaks, "For what?"

"Not seeing you often or even calling to see how you were. I led my life in London and I should've come with you" You respond.

She slowly moves her shaking hand up to your chin, pressing her hand against your face.

"Don't feel guilty sweetheart. You were in London chasing your dreams, which is what your Father and I always wanted you to do." She tells you, "We always knew you'd find your future there. Especially with that Daniel."

"Thanks Mum" You smile, "But actually, I found that my future is not there after all. Especially not with Dan."

Your Mother's eyebrows become lower in confusion.

"I don't quite understand" She replies softly, "You and Dan were so close and you have always loved London."

"I know" You sigh, "Sometimes people change and people move on. We can't help but think of better things. Sometimes we learn the hard way and other times we make a lucky escape."

"You have become so mature (y/n). It makes me so proud to see the young lady that you have become." She grins, dropping her fragile hands back to down to your shaking ones, "Whatever there is for you in future, I'm sure you'll make the best of it. You'll find a way to live your life and you won't look back. Your Father once said to keep going in life and only look back if you're looking in the mirror at your ass!"

You laugh and lean forward to hug your Mum tight.

"I missed you Mum. I'm going to try to not disappoint you and I want to be with you until the end of..."

"Just say it sweetheart. I know what's going to happen. Please don't be sad when it does as it will simply mean that I've gone to be with your Father. I'll be able to tell him just how his beautiful daughter grew up to make us proud." She smiles.