what it was | √

twelfth; someday we'll know by new radicals

I followed the sign.

So that night, when I reached home, I made the last CD. It was simple and cute and I wrote things I could never tell you on the CD before i went to burn the songs on it.

I didn't know why, and it hurt me to do it, but I recorded something for you as the last song on the CD. I sang Beautiful Goodbye by Maroon Five. But before that, I gave you a message. And if ever you read this, I know this wasn't what was in the CD, but this is what I was really meant to say;

Hi, Luigi. It's me! Hoorah. This is Vanessa Stan. By now, you've probably figured out who I am but if you haven't, then this probably isn't a big suprise to you.
Luigi... let me get this straight. I'm a girl and girls don't do this kind of crap. So you're probably confused. Why the heck did I do this? Go through all the effort of making these CD's anonymously and admit that it was me in the end?
The answer, Luigi, is a complete mystery to me also.
Maybe this is what lov- liking someone does to you. I don't know if you've liked someone that much, Luigi. But if you have, you'd know how I feel. I guess... I just wanted to tell you how I feel about you. But sadly, I'm not much of a talker myself so I made the CD's to perfectly express what I feel for you.
I'm sorry... I'm sorry for liking you. I guess you just never really have to think when you're drowning in your own thoughts. You just do. And sometimes, doing without thinking is enough. And that's what kills a person too.

I thank you, Luigi, for giving me memories. For making me feel a bit special and a bit different from all the other girls.

A pause.

This is ridiculousness. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done this. This is like slapping myself hard on the face. You don't feel the same way because it's clear you're in love with someone else and-

I stopped speaking and I wiped away the tears in my eyes that I didn't know had already dropped.

But anyway, thank you for everything, Luigi. Thank you for the feelings. You are one of the best persons I know. When we all separate, I wish you good luck in college. I know you'll go far.

And then I sang.

⚓️

I didn't know what love was. But slowly, I learned. And I learned that love is the only thing that doesn't hurt in this world. It's bliss and it's euphoria and it's this drug that never seems to wear off. But most importantly, I learned that love... Love is not love without pain.