Changed for life

Opening up

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering what and who I am. I know one thing I'm for sure; I don't like myself. I actually hate myself. It's weird, I remember being so confident and happy when I was younger, but slowly through the the years that confidence and happiness disappeared. Some left with Mario, my big brother, he left me and Anthony all alone with our parents. The people who would non-stop fight about stupid shit. Some left with My father and Kaiden. Some stayed with Brendon and Noelle. Some, well a lot of it is with Chris. But what happened was necessary for everyone to be happier, well everyone but me.

He walked through the library doors with that smile that always made me melt.
Chris-"You ok? I'm so sorry she did that, Ms. Pep had no right."
Me-" I'm fine I promise."
Chris- "Why didn't you tell me? I'm not mad I just wish you would have trusted me to be there for you more. I lo- I mean I though we had or have something."
I stood there for a minute thinking over how he almost said love. Then regain my composure.
Me- " We... Do. I trust you. I do. I just didn't want you to run like everyone else, wow that sounds so desper-."
I was suddenly cut off by Chris' lips colliding with mine. I pulled him closer. Loving every second we touched. Then I remembered why I asked for him. I need to let him go.
I pulled away. He frowned and let me tell you it was adorable.
Me- " We need to stop."
Chris-"Who's going to come in here? You have to key."
Me- " No, we need to stop what ever this is. I've hurt to many people and I am not in a place right now that can be considered normal or health. I fucking cut open my arm to get rid of anger and sadness, that's not normal. We can't. I can't."
Chris-" No."
Me-" What? What do you mean no?"
Chris-" You don't get to do that. I have wanted you to be with me, for us to be something more and you have pushed me so far away, this is not happening. You don't get to decide not to hurt me. If you do that you are hurting me more. Let me help, I don't care how as long as I'm by your side."
Me- "Christian we are done! This is, what ever it was is over!"
I grab my things and walk to the door. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
Chris-"Fine. But let me do this one last time."
He pulled me close making me lose my breath. His lips met mine and I wished it would never end. He picked me up and set me on the desk by the door and kissed me again. Then the bell rang and we pulled apart and he left.
I fell the sadness come back and get up from my new bed. The move actually saved me a lot of awkward and weird moments that would have happened if I would have stayed where we were. New school, new year, new me right?
I walk to my desk and pull out my school issued IPad and do my homework, as so as I get to my Art homework I get a scratch paper out and  make a list of things that make me, well me.
- Music is life
- Emptyness honestly
- lonesome
- a mask
After about five to ten minutes of self hate I decide what I'm doing. I make a rough sketch and like it. I decide black and a bright blue are the main colors. I finish the out line leaving the coloring to be done when I final decide to leave my room for food. I hear my Mother's reggae music which I think is weird being that she's Mexican but whatever.
I smell the spiciness of the sauce she makes for enchiladas and smile. I fucking love Mexican food. As she's spreading the cheese on the not yet fully done Enchiladas I grad a pop form the fridge.
Me- " Thank you mom! When will dinner be done?"
Mother- " Who said any of this is for you? Is your room clean? Did you finish your homework?"
Me- "Love you too mom."
I walk away not getting or giving an answer the the questions asked.
After I finish my meal I go and shower doing the common bathroom things. After I go to sleep.
I look up at the green and purple lit ceiling, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see a boy I  don't know but seems familiar.
"Madison what are you doing here? I told you stay home."
With out control over my body I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close.
Me- "Oh come on Mark you know you want me here. Everyone does! I'm Madison Urrutia the one and only, best party thrower in the state."
Mark- " We talked about this. I can't don't want you, no one does."
I let go and pull away.