Changed for life

Feeling Nothing and Hospitalized.

I feel nothing. He's kissing me and there's nothing. I want to want him, i need to want him. There's nothing. I pull away, he looks down at me and he seems confused.

Brendon- "What's wrong?"

Me-"I don't know."

Brendon- "What's going on Madi? Your scaring me."

I sit down in the middle of the row and he does the same.

Me- "I don't know what's wrong."

I wish i could cry right now but i don't. He looks hurt and concerned.

Brendon- "What happened. Why did you pull away so fast."

Me- "I...I...didn't feel anything."

Brendon- "What? i don't know what that means."

I say in a low steady voice.

Me- " When I kiss you i use to feel butterflies in my stomach, i felt special, your kiss made me scared and fearless and i felt love or extreme like but i didn't feel anything."

I look up from the floor and he looks hurt, not just ouch you said i wasn't nice kind of hurt but i just found out my cousin died kind of hurt. The worst part was something did die, my heart. Right now all i want to do is hurt, to feel something. I don't want to cry, i don't want to kiss him, nothing. I really just want to leave but I know for a fact that that would be really messed up.

Brendon- " Well what does that mean for us?"

Me- "I think we should break up. You are such an amazing person you made me more happy then i have ever been. You didn't know it but you saved me from wallowing in saddnes for the past few months. You deserve some one who can love you back as much as you love them. Don't you want that?"

Brendon- " I want you. Nothing else, just you. Please we can get through this."

Me- "No you don't want me im not a good person Brendon. I can't stay here with you and watch you get hurt i can't do that to you. I know that i probably will lose you and Fawn forever but if you are happy then i can live with that."

A tear runs down his face and i wipe it away. I kiss his forhead and walk away. I don't feel like i'm walking away from just Brendon, i'm walking away from my first love, from my sanity. The horrible thing is i don't even care. I don't care at all. The rest of the day i avoid people as much as i can and when the final bell rings i grab my things and walk home. I see a family taking there tree off there car for Christmas and i wish i was them. Wish i was with people i love but i don't even know who that is now. When i get home i walk to my room and sit on my bed. I don't have and emotion right now except for anger. I get up and take my swiss army knife from my drawer and flip the knife open. I look down and pull across my arm. It first i don't feel anything but then it stings. I get up and walk to the bath room and clean the beads of blood off of my arm and put a like three band-aids on. Whe i get back to my room i put a sweater on and curl up into a ball on my bed. The throbbing pain in my arm makes me feel normal again. I'm woken up a couple of hours later by the sound of moaning and screams. I walk out an see Brad in my mothers bed with another chick who is not my mother. 

Now i'm angry.

Me- "What the fuck do you think your doing you dick?"

He stops and the chick looks up from infront of him and shrieks. She runs out with her clothes and Brad pulls his pants up.

Brad- "You little whore, you couldn't have ignored it could you? You had to ruin everything like always."

He lifts his hand like he's about to hit me.