Writings, rants, questions, poems, really just my life in a book.

Things changed and im at fault

I wish things didn't change. I wish things didn't happen the way they happened. I wish I didn't fuck up. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I wish I didn't make that mistake. I wish I didn't go. I wish I said no. I wish I stayed home that day. I'm so sorry. You didn't believe me the day I told you I was sorry and how I truly regret everything that happened you told me you didn't know who I was anymore. You do know me. You know that what happened wasn't me, but I fucked up I pulled a shitty move I didn't mean to hurt you or break your heart. I mean hell I broke my own heart the second I realized what I agreed too. I'm so sorry I'm so so so sorry. I'll have to live with knowing I fucked up the one thing I actually cared about. I'm so sorry. It made me feel so god damn awful. You know I cried too ? You said "how can you be okay with this ?" I wasn't okay. I just didn't know what to do and I know you were gone already and I couldn't reach you to pull you back. I panicked. I'm so sorry. I cried a lot after that day. I also cried that day. Later that night after the fight I text you when I was on acid and I remember you telling me I'm awful and how with every breath I take I'm killing something. I remember not being able to breathe after that I remember crying and feeling so small. I'm so sorry. I'm toxic and awful and I know I hurt you with what happened. I don't even care about the other times we had small fights and stupid arguments. I think we both fucked up along the way but we knew how to fix it here and there. I'm so sorry. I keep trying to think of ways to fix this, but I can't. I keep trying to think of ways to go back and change everything from the moment I woke up that morning. I'm so sorry. I wish this didn't happen it's all my fault. I'm so sorry. You told me not to be like her and I said I never would and then I did this. I'm so sorry. I would never do what she did though. I only fucked up those few minutes but I knew that I messed up I just couldn't bring myself to say anything.  I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me I just want you to know I'm sorry. I swear you know me better than anyone. I didn't mean too. I'm so sorry.