Normal is Boring

The List

                 

The List

I've thought of the bad

I've thought of the knife

I've thought of the medicine

I've thought of the crash

I've thought of the sleep

I've thought of the dark

---

But I've never gone as far

---

There's a stronger part of me that wants to stay safe

To not delve into that world of bad

Because I may never leave

I don't want to bleed.

I don't want to sleep.

I want to stay here

----

Sure I'm anxious

Sure I'm obsessive

Sure I spend a lot of time typing on my legs

Sure I spend a lot of time rubbing my feet together

Because maybe that will help
Maybe that will push down the thoughts

---

Too many thoughts

Just scrambling around trying to latch onto my list

My list of failures

Competing to stay on repeat

So many

On repeat

---

I need to not be here

I say

Because I need to not stay here

In this area

Where there are so many people who I need to take care of

I need to make sure everybody is okay

When there's too many I can't function

---

Or I'll fail

And then that failure will be added to the list

The list

The fucking list!