Normal is Boring

Anxiety in Human Form

You did nothing wrong.
Is what people keep telling me. You are not at fault.
Their responses to my pain: you shouldn't blame yourself for what she did.

But how come every time I think about her and what she did I feel like I am to blame.

No matter fucking what, I feel like I did something wrong. Forever. Always.
And that fucking sucks.

Because I'm here. And I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I'm in pain.
But she won't even talk to me.
Radio silence.

You know what it's like to think of every possible reason for someone to hate you and believe with your heart that all of them are true? On a constant loop 24/7.
I do.

I write these lists and I tear myself down because that's all I know how to do sometimes.

✖️You had no right.
✖️You hurt me.

My brain isn't normal. It's easy for other people. They just think something and it works.
But I have to think something over and over again I have to write it over and over again for it to work just a little bit.

✖️I didn't deserve that.
✖️You were wrong not me.

But even while I type this I'm still thinking that I am to blame. That I did something to make the person I love so much tell me a list of things they don't like about me. Things I've done wrong. Things I've said wrong.
A list of ways I've hurt them.
A list of reasons to go silent.
A list of reasons to leave.
A list of reasons to push me away.

My god I've never had another person write a list about me.
It's like my anxiety became a person.

It's like I couldn't breathe.
It's like I evaporated into the air.
It's like the person I loved choked me.

The person I loved so much became the human form of my anxiety and I couldn't deal.
Forgive me if I freaked out a little bit.

Tears of pain.
Tears of anger.
I want to run and scream and jump into a river. I want to be heard.

✖️I thought you heard me.
✖️But I was so wrong.