I start to run.
Langit masih gelap. Embun sisa semalam masih bertengger cantik di jendela masing-masing rumah yang kulewati. Pohon-pohon disekitarku samar berubah menjadi sekelebat berwarna hijau seiring semakin cepatnya aku berlari.
I thought that my dog days are over.
After everything i have done, i thought i will have a happy ending and happily forever after.
Pikiran itu terus muncul. Mengendap dalam lamunan. Di saat terpapar cerita dan omongan orang lain, endapan itu kembali terangkat, merasuki jiwa dan merengkuh memori-memori lama.
Penyesalan.
Keraguan.
Dua hal yang paling kubenci dalam hidupku.
Orang bilang, aku harus terus berjalan.
Dengan gontai, mungkin.
Terkadang aku melihat betapa bahagianya anak-anak. Keinginan mereka begitu simpel.
Aku iri.
Aku berlari lebih kencang. Tampak langit mulai berubah menjadi sedikit lebih terang. Suara-suara hewan kecil mulai terdengar seperti sebuah orkestra. Suara anjing yang terperangkap di dalam rumah mulai menggongong keras, melolongkan raungannya, menularkan gonggongan anjing-anjing yang lain.
But after what i did, everything are still the same.
Nothing really changes.
Reasons.
Orang dewasa kerap bertanya mengenai alasan-alasan.
Bukankah alasan itu bisa dicari? Bukankah alasan itu bisa dibuat?
Mengapa harus ada alasan untuk hal yang kamu lakukan?
Mengapa tidak bisa seperti anak-anak, menginginkan sesuatu hanya karena, ingin?
Tenangkan dirimu.
Tarik napas. Ingatlah hal yang membuatmu bahagia.
Aku mengurangi lariku. Keringat mulai bercucuran dari dahiku. Lambat laun aku mulai melihat beberapa orang lain yang berlari, melewati diriku.
The ups and downs of life could be happening so fast.
So fast that it only separated by minutes.
How could you be free when everyone is holding at you?
The worst part is, everyone thought you're really okay.
But once they knew what is really happening inside you, they will feel pity.
They will ask, " i thought this is what you want".
"I thought this is what i want. I was wrong".
I wanna scream. I wanna have a replay, like on those games that i played when i was a little.
Everyone is expecting a lot about you.
Every single loved ones.
But you know what?
You want to know what the truth is?
No one really cares but you.
No one really gives a shit about you.
Lagu di headsetku mulai mendengung, terlarut dalam kehampaan diriku, raungan suara biola dan piano dan gitar dan entah apa, membuat lagu dalam playlistku seolah menjadi soundtrack hidup yang bagus untuk menemaniku. Aku berlari lebih cepat, melewati orang-orang lain. Nafasku mulai terengah-engah. Aku mulai merasakan nyeri di dada yang kerap kurasakan ketika aku berlari terlampau lama. Tetapi aku menahannya. Seperti biasa, aku menahan sesuatu yang ada dalam diriku, meskipun se tidak menyenangkannya itu.
People? You want to know about people?
They're just asking how well you're doing at a social party, then they will continue with their life.
They will not having trouble sleeping at night becasue the choices that you made.
You're the one that really responsible with your choices.
You can't blame anyone about your choices.
No one is pushing you.
The only person who pushed you is, yourself.
But turns out you're not ready with the consequences that you made.
Then you feel sorry for yourself.
The next thing you know people will start sorry for yourself.
Aku mulai memelankan lariku. Aku berhenti. Terkadang aku perlu berhenti, karena aku memang sudah tidak sanggup lagi. Kubungkukkan diriku, beban diriku kutumpukan pada lutut melewati tanganku.
Aku mendengar nafasku. Tarik. Buang. Tarik. Buang.
Everything is going to be okay.
Outside, everything is going to be okay.
But, the uneasy feeling keeps repeating. Like songs on my playlist.
Once in a while, you will found that you hate because you repeated it all along, no matter how you like it at the very first place.
Aku menengadah ke atas. Melihat langit yang berubah menjadi jingga kemerahan. Matahari mulai memperlihatkan dirinya, sinarnya melewati ranting pohon dan daun-daun.
Hope? What is hope?
An imagination to keep us stay alive? To keep smiling because everything happens for a reason?
Or the vase that you keep for once in your life is already torned? No matter you try to fix it, it's not going to be the same?
Aku menarik napas dalam-dalam. Mencoba merasakan semilir angin yang menerpa wajahku.
The next thing you know you will feel everyone is okay, doing their routine world happily ever after, like on those movies where you dont see the after ending because you have to see the movie credits.
But the real question of a movie is..
what happened with the character after the ending come?
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
Delta
RandomBerkisah tentang apa saja. Tentang bulan, hujan, bintang gemintang, angin, langit, laut, padang rumput, orang-orang, apa saja. Dan mungkin saja ada kisahmu di sini. Selamat membaca :)