Delta

Float

It's either love or hate that leads me toward this decision.
I was partly ready for the world and consumed every ideas given for me to prepare.
But you,with your unintended thought,unexpectedly giving me your story of the year.
That night,when you told me that you started seing someone.
Someone turns out to be none other than my best friend-and your best friend as well. Our best friend.
We were having this perfect little circle for the sake of sanity outside of these big imperfect worlds.
But it suddenly crushed into parts.
You are now a team with him. And yet i felt like an outsider.
I could imagine your deniable pause for my selfishly commentary now.
You would probably said "you are also important".
I probably important to you.
But i am less important now.
I though everything is gonna be okay.But it turns out it's not.
So here goes my decision.
I decided to keep the distance with you,and with your special person,which non other than my friend as well.
I choose to be alone.
You said you want someone that you have known very well. You said that you are insecure for everything.
And i thougt i knew almost everything about you. Turns out that i only knew 1% from you.
I only know you very little.
The rest is your big box of kept secrets.
I thought there is a unspoken rules that we kept our circle as good as possible without putting our heart into it.
I kept my ideal. I deny my feelings toward each other.
Yet both of you managed to keep these feelings behind your very best friend and make an inner romance circle inside.
He asked me about my feeling about this relationship and i answered i have no comment about it.
How could i say something such unsupportive for both of you-my support system?
I opened my eyes for your favourite song,your favourite book,your light advices and word supports for every step i would probably scared,i decided that you are essential.
Until you found your own essential person to complete your flaws.
And sadly i was not inside of it.
It felt like all those conversations we had only as floats on a surface,inside of hard coral rock under the sea.
A moment came when i was trying to reach you by our favourite social app and watching you online. But i doubted myself to talk. I checked and i saw my best friend being online as well and i know you both are probably chatting and sharing your private and deep feelings.
I remember that night when you told me that you asked for his permissions first to receive a call for me.
I had a girlfriend but i manage to made this circle of friend as the most important. I did not asking her permissions to be in deeper contacts with you.
But what happened is something that is far from being mutual.
Now your sillyness,your crisp humor,your talented words of advice is ultimately given for one particular else.
And i hate to say this,but you broke these walls.
These imagine walls that kept us from playing fire of hearts.
We are a big boat,riding together into the uncertainty, but then you both choose to float over with your own life boat.
Being deliberately reach this one-sided consideration,i struggle to maintain my heart as neutral and saying "i am so happy for both of you". I am such evil that i won't let you have both happiness. If you're choosing him,it means I will no longer be there.
Since lifeboats only have one slot.
In that note,if you're wondering about me,I'm okay.
I wil try my best to ride my own boat.