Impossible to Forgive

Chapter 4: A Carbon-copy's Regrets

I stared at Shikamaru's back as he left, and I didn't know if I should be angry at him for what he had said. Was I holding onto my hate? My feet carried me to my office and I sat down. Was I really cold and calculating now? Had I really turned into my mother?

I had. I buried my face in my hands. I had become exactly like my mother. I was a carbon-copy of Nori Kimura now, something that I had sworn would never happen. I had failed myself.

Angrily, I turned to the large stack of papers balancing on my desk and I started reading through them. Maybe I could use another person in my department; this was a lot for just me. But then I would have to change the room around, and I couldn't bring myself to replace Shikaku and Toukuro or even move their desks. I looked over that their empty seats and felt a stab of guilt. Toukuro had always loved me so much more than I had loved him, and that was something that I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life. He acted cold and distant, but around me he was all smiles and jokes. When I went through my phases of remembering the past, he was always there to make me happy again. I never really loved him romantically, but he was still my greatest friend and I would do anything for him.

I twisted the wedding band around my finger. Most ninja didn't have engagement rings, expensive things like that simply weren't something that you could bring on missions, and I was no different. But Toukuro and I did have matching wedding bands. I pulled it off and looked at the inscription carved inside that he had requested.

"Forever in Love."

What a lie. One of my many lies both to others and to myself. Toukuro may have been forever in love, but I only acted like I loved him back to make him happy. He deserved so much better than me, and I led him on. He may have been "Forever in Love," but my taking that ring was a lie. My wearing this promise still today was dishonest. Toukuro was a great man, and I had used him. I stayed close because he made me feel wanted and loved. Something that I hadn't felt since I was seven, but I never returned the feelings. I just leached his love and gave him nothing in return. We were married for less than a year when he died. He was long range water style user and a chunin and was positioned in Gaara's Fourth Company during the war. They said that Madara himself killed my husband. The intellectual never stood a chance against a reincarnated god of shinobi.

My left hand shot under the table as my right hip smarted in pain. I had taken a sword into the bone and it had permanently damaged the nerves. The pain was like a phantom limb, but I was still all there. I didn't deserve to make it out so unscathed. Well, I really wasn't all there anymore. That blow had managed to take something away from me permanently: my ability to bear children. But, I never really like children anymore so I wasn't too torn up. Or so I liked to tell myself.

Taking in a few sucking breaths, I waited for the clenching pain in my abdomen to pass, and then I went back to my mound of work. It was the one thing that could save me from my thoughts anymore. I'd arrive at sunrise and work until nighttime, never allowing myself a moment's respite. I was mad for letting myself wallow in misery just now. I had promised myself that I was done moping.