How To Overcome Anxiety

Step 9. Start A Conversation

"Paisley...?" I hear my mothers soft voice, muffled by my closed door. She taps twice before entering.

"Mmmehh." I groan, not wanting to wake and wrap the covers around me to make a cocoon. "I'm asleep."

"It's only Tuesday. Get your arse out of bed."

"You're supposed to let me sleep till my alarm clock goes off."

"Boo hoo," She laughs lightheartedly, "I need you to help with some chores before school and get Lily ready for me, the office wants me in early today."

"Fiiiine, give me half an hour."

"Kay, hun." I feel her plant a kiss on where she thinks my head is. It was my elbow, but close enough. "You don't mind dropping her off at your dad's for me, do you?" Yes. Her voice didn't even falter at the mention of him. How could she forgive so easily?

I didn't want to see him. Ever.

Since I turned twelve I had refused to visit him. I wondered how mum could talk about him with such little hatred.

I pull my messy bedhead out from under the covers and look at her. Her blonde hair is pulled back from her perfect face. I wish I looked like her. Such delicate features, only now succumbing to small wrinkles around her electric blue eyes, the ones that only come from years and years of laughter.

Granted, I inherited her small frame, hair and eye colour. Although my features seem dull and bleak in comparison.

"Sure." I murmer.

She perches on my mattress, "I know you don't like to see him but..." She looks away for a second and then back into my eyes. "You've got to at least try Paisley, for me, if not for you." I nod, my face expressionless.

"Thanks hun." She smiles. I wish I had her perfect smile. Instead I got his crooked one.

My mum leans and kisses my forehead again. This time my actual head, not my elbow.

***

Little Lily, dressed in her pink parka, her golden pigtails bounce as she walks. I'm holding her small, delicate hand as I take her to our dad's.

Let's just get this over with and then get to school.

He doesn't live too far away really, just across the woodland area, much to my disappointment. Although Lily is only four, I don't think I have it in me to explain to her why I never stay over with her when she does.

"Paisley?" She asks sweetly, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I look down, "Yeah?"

"Why do squirrels have furry tails?" She always asked the most random questions. I loved her for it.

"Because they have curly hair, so when they brush it on a morning it goes POOF!" I answer enthusiastically, raising my free hand to demonstrate.

She giggles. "I wish I had curly hair so I could look like a squirrel."

I can't help but laugh too.

When we eventually reach the door to our fathers, I knock, hard.

In a few moments the door is swung open. Timothy stands there, I would never call him dad to his face.

His pale blonde hair is neatly combed over, he's wearing a navy jumper and jeans. His expression resembles something of a startled camel. Not that I'd ever seen a startled camel but if I were, I'm sure it would look like him. All scrunched up flesh and wide, dopey eyes with long eyelashes. "Paisley." He pauses, pushing up his thin-framed glasses. "I wasn't expecting you." He's formal. Can I blame him? We only speak when it is utterly necessary.

Although a burning hatred is threatening to grow inside of me, I fake politeness for Lily's sake. "Yeah well, h-hello." I can't help but get stuttery again. I need to work on it. "I need to get to school so..." I bend down to Lily's height, "Ti- Your dad's gonna take care of you now today." She nods and smiles, one of her teeth fell out the other day and now there's a large gap. I kiss her on the forehead and stand.

"Here's her bag." I hand him the miniture pink rucksack Lily made me carry - pink's her favourite colour if you hadn't already guessed.

"Thank you. How's school lately?" His words are forced, trying to smile and be optimistic. I turn down the steps, ignoring him and gripping onto the sleeves of my cardigan.

"Seya Lily."

***

Science.

I sit in the dull classroom, barely keeping awake to Mr Larsson's continuous monotone voice.

Leroy is perched on the stool next to me, intently writing down this and that - probably something to do with whatever sir is teaching us.

Me and Leroy, had this unspoken deal between us where we only spoke if it was necessary. I guess I better change that if I want to be less like a freak.

I turn to him now. He's not good looking in th conventional way, but the way his brown locks fall over the rims of his thick glasses makes him kinda cute. Not that I find him cute, but I guess someone could find him cute. Well, not that I don't think he's cute, I'm just not into him like that.

I'm debating about this too much.

Right. Say something Paisley. Start a conversation. Talk to him.

"Leroy?..." I start, quiet so the teacher doesn't here me. We're at the back of the class anyway.

He looks towards me now, pausing his writing. "Erm, yes?" I think he's a little surprised I've actually started the conversation for once, he's half-smiling though, that's always good.

Now what? I really didn't think this through enough.

"Can you pass me the glue stick?"

Paisley.

The glue stick is right in front of you.

Leroy reaches forward, slightly confused, and moves the glue stick a few centimeters closer to me. "...Here?"

Dear Ground,
Please swallow me up at your earliest convenience.
Much thanks,
The socially awkward twat who's too stupid to comprehend.

I smile, forcing down the blood coming to my pale cheeks.

Well, at least my future attempts at conversing with other humans can't be much worse than that.