A Year of Stories

Brando's Big Deal Burgers and Psychotherapy

"Welcome to Brando's Big Deal Burgers, home of the Quad-Pounder, care to try our Triple Trauma Bacon Blaster tonight?"

"I'm sorry, can I have a second?"

"Take all the time you need sir, I'll be here when you're ready."

"He did it again, you know? Ran away. Can you even...I told him after I sprang him out of that... place, the last time. I told him! No! I'm not going to take responsibility for his mistakes anymore. He told me, that he would never worry us like that again. But he lied, to my face, like he always does. Sometimes I think that's all he knows how to do anymore. Lie. Did you know I found cigarettes in his room this morning? No one in our family smokes..."

"Um...Mr. Spellman, is that... you?"

"Who else would it be Conner?"

"Mr. Spellman... I know you're having problems at home, but after the last time, my Manager told me that I should ask you to..."

"Problems? You want to know the problem? I'll tell you the problem! It's that school we sent him too... Ravenwood Prep. Just a bunch of self involved, self obsessed sons of Investment Bankers. What the Hell is an Investment Banker, anyway? Not a one of them would know an honest day's work if it bit them in their Platinum Amex. Not like you. Not like me. Isn't that right, Conner? Problems..."

"We're running a special on sweet potato fries...Order one and get the second one half price. It's a really ... Big Deal. Would you like to try them?"

"Do they pay you to say crap like that?"

"Sort of...Mr. Spellman, is there anything I can get you...from the menu?"

"Can you get me a new kid? Is a new life on your menu? My wife thinks I'm being too hard on the brat, says that he's just 'being a teenager.' But when he knocks some girl up or gets addicted to heroin or drives the car into a lake, whose going to be 'over-reacting' then? That's what the kids do you know, get hopped up on drugs, and drive to wild sex orgies at the houses of parents who aren't 'too hard' on their children. You've never been to a sex orgy, have you Conner?"

"No sir, I don't go to many parties..."

"Exactly, because you're thinking about your future! Let me give you some advice... One day you're going to wake up and find that you're forty-seven, with a beer gut and a mortgage payment, and you'll realize that you would trade every piece of tail, every College kegger, for a little more hair and a lot more 401k."

"I don't think you should be telling me these..."

"I was kid too, I think he forgets that sometimes. I know exactly what it's like. Back then we didn't even have the Internet, you couldn't just type, 'sexy co-eds in silver lipstick on pogo sticks' into your phone and go to town. If a pretty girl even looked my way, I'd be walking around holding a book in front of Captain and Tennille, if you know what I mean. Of course you know what I mean. It's not like I want him to be a hermit, I just want him too, you know, think..."

"He ran away to see a girl?"

"Where else would he have gone? Sarah. That girls a bad influence. He wasn't like this before her, you know. Aaron was a good kid, always used to give me high-fives when I came home from work. Looked forward to that. Bad day at the office, at least I knew Aaron would be there, waiting for me with that little hand of his..."

"Sir, I...I...hate to interrupt, but the line is getting pretty long back there. It's almost noon, and people are waiting patiently to bring home their mouth watering Big Deal Brunches."

"Patience...Yea, I guess that's a good point. When I first started dating, I've told you about that right?"

"No sir, but you probably shoul..."

"When Susan and I first got together, you couldn't pry us off of each other. You must know how that is?"

"Girls don't like me very much Mr. Spellman..."

"Really? Wouldn't have guessed. Anyway, one week, Susan and I skipped three days of class to go see Sound Garden when they performing in Akron. My parents lost their minds when they found out. It would have been even worse if they realized we had screwed like bunnies in the back of their new SUV all weekend. It was probably the best week of my life. Don't tell my wife."

"I don't know your wife sir...Mr. Spellman, my manager just told me to let you know that in order to better serve Brando's Billions, I have to request that you park your car and come inside to complete your purchase. I apologize for any inconvenience this might cause."

"Conner you old dog, I get what you're trying to say, don't have to tell me twice. I've been dancing around the subject all afternoon, when I already know the answer."

"Sir, if you don't leave the drive thru immediately, we will be forced to call the authorities..."

"Nail on head Conner, nail on head! I'm the adult, the authority, 'the man,' as my dad would have called it. Aaron isn't acting up because he's a bad kid, he's acting up because he knows it'll piss me off, and the whole point of being young is pissing off people who are try to control you. All I have to do is be a little more...patient, good call on that one by the way, and he'll burn himself out and be back to his old self in no time."

"Uh..."

"No. You don't say anything else, you've already done more than enough Conner. Has anyone ever told you that you're wiser than your years?"

"Are we done yet sir?"

"Not quite yet, I almost forgot the most important thing..."

"And that is?"

"Could you get me one of those Triple Trauma Bacon Blasters? Don't go crazy with the mayo, the doctor says I need to cut back."

"Right away sir...Please pull around."